| T.R | Title | User | Personal
Name | Date | Lines |
|---|
| 479.1 | thou shalt not mope | SA1794::CHARBONND | JAFO | Mon Mar 07 1988 14:03 | 10 |
| Put on Linda Ronstadt's "What's New?" album, close my eyes, and
picture her singin' it just for me. Play Roy Orbison's "Only The
Lonely" 'til you get pi**ed off enough to make some changes.
Get busy. Read. Take a night course. (This works very well - met
someone at school recently and....:-) ) Go to a bar and buy a round.
When all else fails, work overtime (why be lonely and broke at the
same time ? )
Dana
|
| 479.2 | | LDP::BANGMA | | Mon Mar 07 1988 14:25 | 25 |
| WHEN I'M LONELY, I can always rely on my family, anytime, anywhere.
They understand me, like no one else. My mother reads my face so
well. I'll visit my Grandmother - she's lonely too. I read comedies.
Anything by Bill Cosby should do the trick and make you laugh at
yourself and the world around you.
WHEN I'M BORED, I force myself to tackle a project that I've been
contemplating for a long time. Then I reward myself - whatever
it may be - a long, hot bath with all the treatments works well
for me, it soothes my nerves. I go for walks. I play with my
four cats - they sure can make me smile. And last but not least - I
go shopping! I may not buy, I may be broke, but at least I'm out of
the house and focusing my eyes on something other than four walls!
Chin Up!
|
| 479.3 | It's up to you... | COMET::BERRY | Howie Mandel in a previous life | Mon Mar 07 1988 14:35 | 31 |
|
RE to the base note...
By all means, get around people! Get busy!
Try something new! Tennis, golf, ski, softball, volleyball, bingo,
dancing, join the "Y", go to the pubs, get around people, loud music,
take a karate class, box, buy a motorcycle and go touring this
summer....
The worst thing you can do is sit at home, watching the TV, feeling
lonely and sorry for yourself! Take charge and be a dare-devil!!!
Get started today!
If you DO stay home and watch TV, and if you have a VCR, then at
the very least ....
*****************************
*****************************
** WATCH HOWIE MANDEL !!! **
*****************************
*****************************
-Howie
(Dwight in this life)
|
| 479.4 | Simple but effective -- at least for me... | SLTERO::KENAH | My journey begins with my first step | Mon Mar 07 1988 15:36 | 13 |
| A book I found helpful was:
"How to Survive the Loss of a Love"
Melba Colgrove, PhD
Harold H. Bloomfield MD
Peter McWilliams
One thing I didn't know/accept was the fact that anger is a normal
part of the loss and recovery process.
Good Luck,
andrew
|
| 479.5 | Pick yourself Up, Dust Yourself Off... | HENRYY::HASLAM_BA | | Mon Mar 07 1988 18:26 | 25 |
| Re: .4
I second "How To Survive The Loss of a Love" and buy it for every
friend going through a period of loss.
Other than all the previous excellent suggestions, I find that helping
someone less fortunate or someone having problems is great therapy
for loneliness. It gets me out of myself and helps to be a bit
more objective about my pain. A good support group of friends is
also helpful to deal with loneliness.
Boredom, on the other hand, means that I'm not really interested
in doing anything. Every idea that comes to mind seems somehow
flat and uninteresting. If I dig deeply enough, I may discover
that my boredom is more deeply seated than a momentary feeling.
It may mean that I need to look for new challenges throughout my
life, not just for now. Once I discover the root of my boredom
through introspection, I try a little "brainstorming" to come up
with some new ideas to add pizazz to my life, then I act. By acting,
I have committed myself to at least trying something new before
I rationalize it away. Usually, I feel better about myself because
I have made the effort to take charge of my life and create my own
circumstances, and I discover that life is less boring than I thought.
-Barb
|
| 479.6 | put this where you WILL see it | COMET::BERRY | Howie Mandel in a previous life | Tue Mar 08 1988 03:47 | 15 |
|
There is a neat saying on the wall at the USAF Academy where I box...
and the coach gave me an inscription of it, which I put on my bathroom
mirror... It has helped me many times to "pick myself up."
It say's ....
"TOUGH TIMES DON'T LAST -- TOUGH PEOPLE DO"
You'll make it..... and be stronger for it.
-Dwight
|
| 479.7 | You're not alone - we've all been there | STEREO::VINDICI | It's the Journey, Not the Destination | Tue Mar 08 1988 08:55 | 21 |
| I agree with the other very good suggestions in previous replies.
In my case, counselling/therapy was helpful along with avid reading.
Listing short term goals and current interests along with something
new you've always wanted to do, but never made the time for, also
helps. (i.e., classes on meditation, yoga, join a health club,
bridge, sailing, etc.)
A support network of friends and family is very important - someone
is always just a phone call away.
You should also learn the important lesson of being comfortable
and enjoying being by yourself.
Boredom could be a sign of depression; i.e. lack of motivation.
Changes in life hit us hard, but with perspective, it's a great
time for personal growth.
Good luck!!
Helaine
|
| 479.8 | | DISSRV::KOSKI | | Tue Mar 08 1988 09:26 | 10 |
| Hmmm? Just where do I sign up for this supportive family? And if
I had more supportive friends I'd certainly be doing things with
them, but alas that's the problem.
Thank goodness I have my classes to go to (and a supportive cat),
I've not regressed into couch potatoism...
Keep up the chipper comments I know very well I'm not the only one
who appreciates them.
Gail (doing much better thank you)
|
| 479.9 | "Loss And Grief" | FDCV03::ROSS | | Tue Mar 08 1988 09:33 | 31 |
| Gail, I think that the feelings of boredom or non-motivation are just
very normal parts of the "grieving process" that accompany *most*
divorces. And as someone has already mentioned, these feelings can
be connected to the depression that you're probably experiencing.
Even though divorce turns out to be the only alternative possible for
us, no matter how shitty (or good) the marriage/relationship may have
been, we most of us feel, and react to, the sense of loss.
When my ex and I split up, just around two years ago, I had no desire
to do anything for a few months. I came to work, did necessary shopping,
paid my bills, and sat in front of the TV (not always aware of what I
was watching or had already "seen"). That was my life.
People said, "Alan, get out of the house, start doing things". They were
trying to be helpful, I know, but often I felt that for me to do what they
were advising, would be equivalent to my taking care of *their* needs - not
my own.
And my need back then was to be alone, to mourn, to reflect, to begin to
emotionally heal.
There was no magic turning point or event that I experienced, that got
me out of my "vegetation" mode.
Just, one day I woke up and felt I wanted to join the ranks of the living
again.
And having paid my dues to myself - by myself - I did.
Alan
|
| 479.10 | Being Adult can be very lonely! | PLANET::GIRARD | | Tue Mar 08 1988 09:50 | 26 |
| Masking feelings with business and friends and family may seem the
preferred way of getting over the pain. Personal growth is a label
which we adults have put on disposing on what we think is juvenile
behavior. Yet when it comes time to involve ourselves with another
person again we go juvenile again and think nothing of it.
There is nothing wrong with feeling lonely, nothing wrone with brooding
so long as it dosn't hurt you or anyone else. Suffer. Anguish.
Sorrow are human responses. Feeling them isn't wrong. They make
us understand that we are caring.
At what level do you pick yourself right up and carry on? After
the first failed date? The romantic night that never was? The marriage
that fell apart? It appears that getting involved is more of a problem
than getting uninvolved.
If you can put yourself in touch with you feelings, no parent, friend,
or book can really help. It has to be you. As for me, I would
rather languish with the tought of a failed love and know I cared
than to package it, shelved it and take it down only when I need
it.
"I'd rather be blue, think of you
Than be happy with anyone else..."
|
| 479.11 | Life is tough, but think of the alternative | MANANA::RAVAN | Tryin' to make it real... | Tue Mar 08 1988 10:07 | 21 |
| I agree with the last two replies, but it's a delicate problem. If you
spend too much time regretting the past and/or living it over again,
you will miss out on new relationships and experiences, but if you
don't give yourself time to mourn a loss it may well cause serious
problems later on. (I'm prone to serious attacks of guilt myself.)
I guess there's a time to be inside yourself, contemplative,
experiencing your feelings - good *and* bad; and there's also a
time to turn outwards and find something else to think about. As
someone who has never felt at ease in social situations and who
does not consider herself very outgoing, I have been astonished
to discover that I *can* meet new people, go places (with or without
company) and have an enjoyable time, and even (gasp!) initiate
conversations with total strangers. (Hey, for me, this is a big
deal...)
The most comforting thing, I think, is just to know that others
feel/have felt/will feel the same way, and that you can get through
it.
-b
|
| 479.13 | Loneliness's Autosolution | ELESYS::JASNIEWSKI | Turning down to Zero | Tue Mar 08 1988 11:13 | 19 |
|
Although sincere, I can't agree with the "I'd rather be blue,
think of you, than be happy with somebody else" line at the bottom
of .10 - doesnt sound like the healthy approach at all!
Another reply suggested doing volunteer work as a means of keeping
active. But what does this mean, really, in taking care of someone
"less fortunate" or whatever? Well, from their perspective, you may
be seen as one who helps somewhat with *their* loneliness. By doing
so, you become the solution to your own feeling of loneliness as
well. How? Because you tend to get back what you give out. Lonely?
Comfort someone *you* observe to be lonely or otherwise in need.
Make it a personal choice. Do it right away.
A very intelligent friend of mine consistantly suggests immediacy
in "finding someone new" as the best solution to loneliness...
Joe Jas
|
| 479.14 | | NATPRK::TATISTCHEFF | Lee T | Tue Mar 08 1988 12:05 | 23 |
| I'd have to disagree with Joe Jas (.13) very strongly - finding
someone new (ie. a new mate) when you're going through the loss
of a big one... has been disastrous for me, as well as for my friends
(and family).
I ended up feeling more lonely than before; being with someone who
I didn't know as well as *him* and who didn't know me as well as
*he* did was horribly painful. After some time, when I got used
to not having someone around who *knew* me that way, it was much,
much easier and less painful to start from scratch with someone
new.
I think everybody has their own time-scales for each kind of loss;
mine seems to be about 2-3 years. All romantic activity during
that period was pretty hard, so after a while I quit trying. When
I was ready again, I found someone new. But trying to force yourself
past that loss does not work very well.
Learn to enjoy reading. Enjoy movies, at home or at a theatre.
Eat at an outlandishly expensive and/or classy restaurant as often
as you can afford the treat.
Lee
|
| 479.15 | | SA1794::CHARBONND | JAFO | Tue Mar 08 1988 13:09 | 5 |
| I'd have to disagree with .13 also, but for a different reason:
questioning my own motives. "Am I attracted to her for herself,
or just because I need _someone_ ?"
Starting on a basis of need instead of appreciation is a sure way
to ensure failure.
|
| 479.16 | enough advice here to keep ya busy? | COMET::BERRY | Howie Mandel in a previous life | Wed Mar 09 1988 05:43 | 11 |
|
I don't disagree with the note that, "it's ok to 'feel' lonely,"
but, I do believe it's unhealthy to dwell in your sorrow. The faster
you can get on the road to recovery, the better. That person's
advice seems to say, "Don't just do something, STAND THERE!"
Get on with your life. Hey, if worst comes to worst, (and assuming
your back east), get a plane ticket to Colorado Springs, and I'll
take you out for some loud music, BEER, and pool at Pink E's....8^)
-Dwight
|
| 479.17 | IT'S ALL IN THE PLANNING! | TALLIS::SECOVICH | | Wed Mar 09 1988 15:44 | 18 |
| I agree with ideas like joining a health club, get into a hobbie,
watch comedies. My lover is overseas TDY with the air force and
I spend alot of time alone. I have found that the "key" to fighting
lonliness is to keep your social calendar filled; (literally keep
an appointment book). For instance (tonight I have a family
birthday party, Thursday, I'm showing a van I have for sale,
Friday I', I asked a girlfriend to go see George Carlin In Person,
etc.) I find my calendar crucial, you set yourself up by making
plans. That way you have less time to "fall weak" to the sinful
temptations of this community we call "Greater Lowell" (by falling
weak I refer to the evils of (sex, alcohol, drugs, gambling, etc.)
I also work two jobs that keeps me out of trouble and gives me less
time to think about our separation. My uncle always told me to,
"WORK YOUR PLAN AND PLAN YOUR WORK"
Anyway, it seems to work for me!
Kim
|
| 479.18 | Exercise and seeds - good depression fighters | SQM::AITEL | Every little breeze.... | Thu Mar 10 1988 10:29 | 24 |
| Your sinful temptations are not the same as mine: mint girl scout
cookies, ice cream, coffee with 2 creams and a blueberry muffin
at dunkin donuts, peanut butter - right out of the jar (ok, 'fess
up, how many closet pb-straight-from-the-jar eaters do we have
out there?).... The health club helps with these sins, both in
avoiding and repenting.
When I was really down, fat, frustrated, PO'd at the entire world,
what I did was join a gym. You can't eat with a dumbbell in each
hand! Plus, there were people there, people not related to work,
and that helped me work on my "meet new people" skills. And all
the weightlifting and biking helped me improve some of the things
I was depressed about. I've read that exercise, any sort, even
walking 20 minutes, will help combat the blues by getting more
oxygen into your system and getting your blood moving. Now that
it's looking like spring, it's prime time to get out there!
Another suggestion is to plant some seeds. In New England, you
can plant things like petunias now, indoors. In a few weeks, you'll
be able to start other flowers, and some veggies, and even plant
spring peas outside. Nothing like new life, bright and green and
cheery, something you created yourself, to chase away the blues!
--Louise
|
| 479.19 | "How To Make Yourself Miserable . . ." | GRANMA::PORANGE | | Sat Mar 19 1988 23:39 | 33 |
| I'm no authority on how to cope with it; however, putting things
in perspective has helped me. After being divorced 5 years I combat
'feeling lonely' ALONE by remembering the numerous occasions I was
lonely WHILE married. You CAN feel lonely in the company of someone
and, in my opinion, the most severe, producing a feeling of
helplesness that is usually garnished with pessimism.
I find humor to be the best antidote. I recommend the following
book
"HOW TO MAKE YOURSELF MISERABLE"
(FOR THE REST OF THE CENTURY)
BY: DAN GREENBURG WITH MARCIA JACOBS
Topics include:
Basics of Self-Torture
Why You Need to be Miserable
Creating a First-Class Anxiety
The Power of Negative Thinking
Methods to Misery With Others
How to Lose Friends and Alienate People
How to Formulate a Reject-Me Image
The Dynamics of Rejection
etc. etc
It takes a humorous look (to the extreme) at "misery-provoking"
behavior we sometimes adopt unknowingly!
with pessimism.
|