| T.R | Title | User | Personal
Name | Date | Lines |
|---|
| 469.1 | To expect or not to expect...that is the question! | OVDVAX::KRESS | | Wed Feb 10 1988 08:26 | 60 |
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Expectations....boy, they can be a killer, can't they? Mark Twain
once said "Don't expect anything from anyone and you'll never be
disappointed." It makes sense but it is also easier said than done.
I believe our expectations depend upon the type of relationship.
I may have expectations of a family member but I find that if the
expectation is not met, I have an easier time "dealing" with it
than I would if it is an outsider.
The problem with expectations is that they are based on a person's
idea of how a person should act...not necessarily on reality.
Expecations can be destructive if we do not communicate these
expectations to the other person. What good does it do to keep
it to ourselves. If the expectations are set and not met, then
a person can harbor the disappointment until an appropriate moment
and use it as ammunition.
Expectations can also be constructive. If we expect great things
from our spouse, our children, our SO, our friends, our family,
and we let them know we have complete confidence in that expectation,
then that confidence can be transmitted to the person and he/she
can use it as a goal. If such is the case, then it is up to the
person setting the expectation to be there for the person...cheering
them on, lending support, encouraging....it must be a positive attitude!!!!
I believe that expectations would be difficult to discard.....And
personally, I don't think all expectations should be cast aside.
Penny specifically refers to expectations around "reciprocation."
Reciprocation of love? If that is the case, then I say throw those
expectations out the window! Everyone shows their affections
differently and to judge another by what "we" expect is not right.
You can then forget about relationships!!!! Not only is it not fair
to the other person, you're not being fair to yourself. Speaking from
past experience, I lost out on a couple of wonderful friendships and
one relationship because I felt the other person should do this/do
that/and it was all based on my interpretation of what friendship
should be. These expectations serve no purpose because a) everyone
has different interpretations of friendship and ideas on how to
express affection b)we have no control over another person's actions.
I find that my expectations are strongest in a romantic involvement.
Coming in second would be friendship and running a close third would
be family. Past experiences have taught me that expectations can
get me into trouble. I'll be honest...I'm working on this!!! What
a person should remember is that if expectations are set, then it is
the problem of the "set-er" and not the "set-ee."
Yea, Yea, Yea, I know....it's difficult not to have expectations.
I have the feeling that with Valentine's Day just around the corner,
expectations are running high.
Kris
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| 469.2 | Give your's expect their's | FLOWER::JASNIEWSKI | | Wed Feb 10 1988 08:58 | 16 |
|
I guess the only expectation you can have of another is for
them to be their best! This is embodied in the statement "Give it
*your* best and "expect" others to give their best in return" "It"
can be your job, a relationship, or perhaps an afterwork basket-ball
game.
As far as others not meeting your "expectations", not
*reciprocating* or whatever - you can easily tell when someone is
"bullsh*tting" you in any of the above mentioned contexts (i.e.
I Know You Can Do Better Than That - you just dont want to, or you
think you cant or you have no respect for other's efforts, or you
just feel like being a jerk today). The catch is that, at the same
time, this someone is usually bullsh*tting themselves.
Joe Jas
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| 469.3 | Constructive vs Ammunition ? | ATPS::GREENHALGE | Mouse | Thu Feb 11 1988 09:40 | 16 |
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I like your wording, Joe. Setting expectations, hmmm... I tend
to set very high expectations of myself (then kick myself for not
meeting them) more as a goal to be reached than anything.
On the other hand, the first reply made two excellent points, (a)
that expectations can be used constructively to encourage someone,
you being the moral support, and (b) it can be used as ammunition
when the expectation is not met.
What about when you take these two points and put them together?
If an expectation is set and to be used in a constructive manner,
let's say by a spouse, and the spouse fails to meet that expectation,
does this open the spouse up to having their inability to meet that
expectation used as ammunition against them?
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| 469.4 | Matter of Choice | ELESYS::JASNIEWSKI | | Mon Feb 15 1988 08:34 | 12 |
|
Of course it does. It then becomes a matter of *choice* to the
other's options as to use this "failure" as ammo or not. It depends
completely on the situation at hand. If someone is physically incapable
of meeting an expectation and has just failed, I'd think it quite mean
and cold to use the fact as "ammo" or whatever. However, if the
capability is clearly there and a failure is due to a mind_set
attitude only, I'd say "fire away"! People know that physical things
are relatively permanent whilst the mind can be changed virtually
immediately.
Joe Jas
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| 469.5 | Fire away? But I forgot my shield! | OVDVAX::KRESS | | Mon Feb 15 1988 17:49 | 44 |
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****WARNING: AMMUNITION CAN CAUSE SERIOUS, IF NOT FATAL, DAMAGE****
Joe,
I can't agree with you. What good can using "ammo" do? Oh sure
"fire away" and the other person volleys a return and before you know it,
you've entered "the combat zone." I believe that each of us sets
goals and some of those goals are never met. The last thing we
need is someone hitting us between the eyes with it.....bringing
it up, rehashing the entire failure. If a person has or sets
expectations regarding another and that expectation is not met,
then it is up to the person to "deal" with it. We cannot be held
accountable for another's expectations. If it were otherwise, I'd
have much accounting to do for what my mother expects of me :-).
*******RECIPROCATION********
Joe,
You mentioned earlier that we should be able to recognize when a
person is handing us a line. I think that it is true...but why
is it easier to see that when you're not the one involved? When
we are the one in the relationship, do we wear blinders? ....do we
give the person the benefit of doubt? ....or do we just ignore the
signals in hopes that the person will change? A friend of mine
is in a relationship and there is little reciprocation.....I'm an
outsider so I guess I feel I'm more objective. You feel like shaking
your friend and saying "Can't you see what is going on??? Wake
up! Open those eyes!!!!" But all the while, I know what is running
through her mind...."it's just a phase, he'll change. he loves me
- he's just not the demonstrative type!!!" Who am I to say anything?
I've done the same thing!!!
Kris
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| 469.6 | No, do not fire upon your spouse | BRONS::BURROWS | Jim Burrows | Mon Feb 15 1988 18:36 | 29 |
| RE 469.3 and .4
469.3 asks
"does this open the spouse up to having their inability
to meet that expectation used as ammunition against
them?"
My answer is quite similar to 469.5's.
If you use anything as "ammo against your spouse" you've already
lost the game. Marriage, as I have said before, needs to be
based on love, trust and commitment. "Firing away" is both a
poor way to express love and a lousy technique for bolstering
trust. Blaming the other person for break-downs is a sign of a
poor commitment.
Like-as-not, a failure of a spouse to live up to expectations is
a sign of unrealistic or unwarranted expectations. The time to
figure out if your expectaions and your spouse match is before
marriage. A major objective in courtship and engagement is, or
ought to be ascertaining that your exectations match and are
realistic. Having gotten them explicit and in synch, the way to
make the marriage work is to be 100% committed to it and
understandinb of the fact that any expectations of or trust in a
human being will occasionally fail. Humans aren't capable of
always fulfilling the trust we have in them.
JimB.
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| 469.7 | OK,.. | ELESYS::JASNIEWSKI | | Tue Feb 16 1988 08:07 | 15 |
|
OK, so I was a bit candid in remarking "fire away"...I'm really
not advocating *fighting* per se, and I have seen the guns unloaded
not out of anger, but in love, as in "So wake up and smell the coffee;
I really want to see you succeed!".
The idea that was in my head at the time was in the differentiation
between expectations_not_being_met due to a physical limitation
vs an attitude. I wasnt thinking that some would take my "fire away"
remark as a negative...
However, I see that some great words have followed, so maybe
that's OK :')
Joe Jas
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| 469.8 | | ATPS::GREENHALGE | Mouse | Tue Feb 16 1988 10:24 | 22 |
|
Jim,
I agree that using the failure to meet an expectation as ammunition
against spouse or any other person is not the correct way to go
about things. However, this is easier said than done when one is
angered.
I have witnessed friends who give their marriage 100% commitment and
still use the other's failures as ammunition against the other. I
have also seen what Joe describes as "wake up and smell the coffee".
Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.
My point to raising the question in reply .3 was to bring the two ideas
expressed earlier in this note about "constructive" use of expectations
and the use of expectations as "ammunition" together to show that
setting expectations in either instance is not beneficial.
The only good that I see coming from setting expections is when it
is used BY me, FOR me, to set MY personal goals.
Beckie
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| 469.9 | Ammunition Context | ELESYS::JASNIEWSKI | | Fri Feb 19 1988 07:59 | 24 |
|
One aspect of "ammunition" that we've havent talked about is
the motivational intent and style of delivery. Apparently, it has
automatically been assumed to be negative, as in "If I catch you
doing that again, I'll kill you!" or "Dont go near the cigarette
machine today"...
Ammunition. Although it suggests "bullets and death", it is
the style of delivery that determines it's positive or negative
connotation.
Why would anyone motivate another toward a positive result with
a verbal style that's full of negatives? If you do it this way,
most of the time the result will be exactly what you expressed *not*
to do!
It's a very simple idea, and also very subtle. It gets overlooked
by most people. We've been "trained" to construct our wording in
the negative motivation style. Quick: think of a positive context
of expression for "Dont miss your plane - you'll be late now!".
Could you do it "instantly" -or- are you finding the wording
or sentence construction a bit difficult?
Joe Jas
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| 469.10 | Expectation of honesty | SSDEVO::YOUNGER | Calm down, it's only 1's and 0's | Fri Feb 19 1988 18:07 | 15 |
| No matter what a given person is to me, I expect them to be honest
with their dealings with me, as I will be with them. It doesn't
matter if the person is a friend, colleague, SO, family, or other.
If this expectation is not made, you may rightly make the expectation
that I will cut off dealing with the person.
In terms of love, that is a tricky one. If I am loving a friend,
that love is freely given, with nothing expected in return except
the recipient to be him/herself. In terms of an SO (person I intend
to spend a significant portion of my life with), I expect love to
be returned. If it is not, I would expect to re-evaluate the
relationship, perhaps regressing (?) to friendship and finding a
new SO.
Elizabeth
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