| T.R | Title | User | Personal
Name | Date | Lines |
|---|
| 459.1 | | CSC32::WOLBACH | | Thu Jan 14 1988 18:00 | 21 |
|
What's going to happen in the next few months? You are going to
enter the adult world and be a responsible person! And your first
responsibility, my dear, is to YOURSELF! You are quite incorrect
when you say that your family and your SO are the only ones you
have. You have, first and above all, yourself. And if you are
mature enough to consider marriage, you are certainly mature enough
to be responsible for your own choices and for your own life.
No one can "make" you feel guilty. If you "ruin your life", then
YOU will be the one responsible, and it will be up to you to pay
the price. Make your mom and dad sick? That's THEIR choice. If
they choose to let your actions make them sick, they will have to
deal with the consequences.
If you truely love this man, and feel you will be happy with him,
than do what you feel is best for you. Listen to that little voice
inside yourself. Trust yourself.
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| 459.2 | You think you have it bad? | CADSE::WONG | The Mad Chinaman of CADSE/CTC | Thu Jan 14 1988 21:52 | 26 |
| RE: .0
This happens to alot of people...really sucks...
Thinking about it...
Your parents have two choices...take an honest look at your SO,
or lose their daughter forever...I know someone else who had that
problem. The father came around, eventually.
Fear of losing one's parents is always strong in situations like
this, but ask yourself some questions:
Did your parents do a good job in bring you up? Did they give
you a good moral and academic education? Are they confident
enough that you have enough intelligence to make a good decision?
They will have to trust you eventually. Now is the time to find
out.
I've faced your situation many times, and I've always decided to
go where my heart takes me. It's my life, and no one is going to
tell me how to run it. I don't ever want to think, in the future,
about what might have been if I had decided to do things differently.
The Mad Chinaman
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| 459.3 | It's your life.... | FOOT::LIDSTER | The ramblings of a tortured mind | Fri Jan 15 1988 05:55 | 23 |
|
re: .1
I wholeheartedly agree....
In my opinion, if you can really say that you love this man,
if you are sure that he does not represent a reaction against your
parents who, in your own opinion have had dominant effect on you
life so far, if you are sure that he loves you a strongly as you
love him and he can take the pressures caused by the situation
then you really only have one way to go.
I have been disowned by my father so many times I've lost count
- he intensely disliked my rebeliious phase, hated my motorbike, was
driven crazy by my long hair etc, etc Despite many arguments and
one exchange of punches (a long time ago - I lost:-)) - we are great
friends and have a good deal of respect and love for each other.
Go your own way - as long as you are REALLY sure.
be lucky,
Steve
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| 459.4 | | AKOV11::BOYAJIAN | Lyra RA 18h 28m 37s D 31d 49m | Fri Jan 15 1988 06:06 | 27 |
| Do what you feel is right. If you love this person, then marry.
That's the only decision you need to make. If your parents
don't like it, that's not your decision to make, it's theirs.
Whatever they decide, IT'S NOT *YOUR* FAULT, it's not your
doing; it's all theirs and theirs alone.
A couple that I knew split up on *very* bad terms. I was friends
with both people, and had been even before they got together in
the first place. The split was so bad that one of the two wasn't
happy that I was still friends with the other. What I said to that
person was:
"It hurts me that you two have split, but that's your choice and
I have nothing to do with it. I love both you and X as friends
equally, and I refuse to be put in a position where I have to
choose one or the other of you. If you insist upon forcing that
choice upon me, you won't win, because I cannot call someone a
friend who would put constraints on whom I may or may not associate
with."
Your parents may or may not like your SO; that's their business.
But, if they go so far as to "disown" you because you marry someone
they don't like, then I would say that they neither respect you
nor love you. If that's the case, then you should stick with the
person who *does* love and respect you.
--- jerry
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| 459.5 | Try a Different Approach | PLANET::GIRARD | | Fri Jan 15 1988 08:03 | 18 |
| Do what even the Mexicans do: Say he is of Spanish heritage!
We have visions of great Castilian villas and are more acceptable
to European culture than to Mexican peasants and migrant workers.
What you are experiencing is different than racism or prejudice.
This country models Mexicans, Mexican/Americans and Chicanos for
us with little reality and a lot of single sided issues.
Your parents will identify with him as a Spanish descent but will
reject him as a Mexican. This can go on for sometime until they
get to know him and like him (as he must be a good person for you
to care so much, this must be an attribute that they will notice).
And then being Mexican will not be a blow, only an incidental.
Trying to change parental views can be next to impossible. Maybe
some salesmanship can benefit all!
GRG
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| 459.6 | B | SSDEVO::YOUNGER | It's the LAW! 186,000 miles/second | Fri Jan 15 1988 09:20 | 19 |
| There seems to be a concensus here - follow what you feel to be
right. If you love your SO, by all means marry him.
Your parents may disown you. Let them. I have seen numerous parents
disown their children only to re-own them in a year or two. If they
don't what have you really lost? Parents who love you as long as you
live up to their idea of "perfect little girl." As Deb said, no one
can "make you feel guilty", unless you choose to be made guilty.
In fact, over the long run, they may love and respect you more for
this - it will show that you are your own person, not an extention
of them.
FWIW, your family and your SO are not all you have. You have yourself.
You have other friends. You have the ability to make new friends.
Assuming things work out with the SO, you said that his family accepts
you. At worst, you can "adopt" his family as yours - thus still
have a family to do all of the family-things with (Christmas dinner,
a grandma for any future children, etc.)
|
| 459.7 | | LEZAH::BOBBITT | Silicon ~ Graffiti | Fri Jan 15 1988 09:38 | 18 |
| If things get too hairy, and you start getting confused, old ties
fighting new ties, guilt and worry and sorrow....get some counseling.
Perhaps before you break the news you can talk to a counselor who
may be able to help you phrase the news positively, and may help
in a supporting way for you to see/prepare for the outcome, whether
it be positive or negative.
Be calm...follow your heart...
However, like my parents did at one point, they may (if it ever
ends, and I am never one to prophesy doom in any way shape or form,
because Love always finds a way...) say someday "we told you sooooo..."
Hope for the best, prepare for the worst...and many of us are behind
you....
-Jody
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| 459.8 | Ditto! | TUNER::FLIS | | Fri Jan 15 1988 12:53 | 26 |
| Ditto on all the replies.
To add some conviction, I can not say LOUDLY enough some of what
has been said.
- *You* can not make your parents 'sick', only they
can *choose* to be sick, and ONLY as a ploy to get you to change
to their way of thinking.
- *They* can not change your way of thinking. You may choose to
change the way you ACT, but you have no control over the way
you FEEL.
- *They* can not make you feel guilty. You can *choose* to feel
guilty as a result of your parents ploys.
- If the worse happens, not only would you be 'losing' your
parents, but your parents would be losing a daughter and
a son-in-law and an entire family and and entire culture, and...
Hope this helps - Please let us know how you are doing!
jim
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| 459.10 | if you don't mind another ditto.. | RAINBO::MODICA | | Fri Jan 15 1988 13:06 | 8 |
|
So this is where the friendly noters are........
I can only endorse the sentiments expressed here.
Good luck!
Hank
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| 459.11 | They can come around-Mine did | CIMNET::LMATTHEWS | AMON & BOWIE's MAMA | Fri Jan 15 1988 13:17 | 34 |
| Reminds me of many years ago when I told my parents I was getting
married. My Dad gave me such grief - wouldn't talk to me, be in the
same room, etc. He did not dislike my husband-to-be, we had been going
together for over three years. I think he was afraid he would lose his
"little girl"
His one comment was: Sweetheart, the door only swings one way and
don't let it hit you in the a__ on the way out.
Well, I did get married, he came around and even when I ended up
getting divorced eleven years later he never threw it in my face
that he "told me so". My Dad was rather upset we were splitting
up because he came to like my husband alot.
When I told my parents (in Buffalo, N.Y.) that I was splitting
with my husband (while living in Acton, Ma), he said he was going
to get rid of his upstairs tenant and I could move in free of charge.
I really appreciated his offer but I declined. I always got along
with my parents and I'm sure (for the most part) it would have worked
out fine living upstairs but I really didn't want to leave NEW ENGLAND.
I always teased him about his comment about the "Door....".
As mentioned in the previous notes, DO NOT let your parents dominate
you. Only you can live with yourself and your decisions.
Had a really good friend who's parents controlled her to the point she
was engaged twice (and her brother once) but the parents didn't
"approve" of the choices. Her parents died approx. 3 years ago and
both she and her brother have no one. She has so much anger towards
her parents because NOW she realizes that she let them walk all
over her and what does she have to show for it!
Good Luck. May your decision be the right one FOR YOU.....
|
| 459.12 | | BSS::BLAZEK | Dancing with My Self | Fri Jan 15 1988 18:55 | 27 |
| re: .0, .9
Please remember that this is *your* life. Your parents don't
*own* you. If it was meant to be that you did everything they
wanted, then why would the umbilical cord be cut at birth???
Because you are an independent soul who has a right to make
your own decisions. You are an INDIVIDUAL. You have a right
to live where YOU want to, marry who you want to, get the job
you want to, and furnish your house the way you want to.
Similarly, I cannot understand what .9 said about how his (her?
sorry, can't remember) parents made his "life a living hell"
and then felt guilty for hurting THEM???? What about what THEY
did to YOU??? They are not allowing you to be *you*!
Your parents are choosing to emotionally torture you because
you are not doing what they have decided you should do. You
can either live your life as *your* life, or you can live your
life as puppets of your parents.
I hope both of you can find your way to happiness with both
your SO and your parents. But please don't compromise your
own life's path by letting someone else choose which way you
should go.
Good luck to you, Carla
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| 459.13 | -> One for the road! <- | FIDDLE::LAVOIE | Moderator Extraordinairre | Mon Jan 18 1988 10:00 | 29 |
| Just a quick note, my girlfriend and I sat down this weekend and
talked out alot of what was said here as far as opinions and much
needed advice. A bunch of decisions were made and she is sticking
by them.
Firstly:
She is moving out into an apartment on February 1st. She has been
fortunate enough to find a really nice place.
Secondly:
Her and her s.o. had a very long talk about futures etc and they
have decided that they can make it because of their own network
of friends and people they know.
Thirdly:
She is very grateful for the support you guys have given her. Tonight
we are getting together and she is going to read all of your replies.
On a personal note, thanks guys! I knew that if this was presented
here the support and understanding she needed would be found. This
is probably one of the most difficult decisions in her life and
she has made it and is going to stick with it. You guys are great!
(sniff.... :-) )
Debbi
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| 459.14 | Marry him if it is right, but love them too... | BRONS::BURROWS | Jim Burrows | Tue Jan 19 1988 13:02 | 63 |
| I'd like to temper some of what has been said about the parents
of the young lady who wrote the base note. I think that while I
agree that each of us has to be true to our own beliefs and
feelings and that the young couple should marry if that is their
decision, I can't be so condemnatory of the parents.
We often forget that our parents were raised in very different
times with very different fears and expectations. We need to be
able to understand and to love them even when we can not
understand what they say and do. And in a few years we will need
to remember to treat our own bizarre children.
No, I don't think I can put myself in the place of the bigotted
parents, and no their views don't make sense to me. But given
that they have bought into the cultural assumptions that they
have, I can understand their anguish over what they see as the
terrible mistake that their beloved daughter is making. And
understanding the depth of that feeling, I would hope that the
daughter however she decides to go from here will remember the
love that her parents have despite the manner in which they
choose to express it, and that she will return that love in the
best way that she can.
For the record, it's hard for me to hold back the tears as I
think of what this young couple is going through and what they
have before them. A little less than half my lifetime ago I was
engaged to a fantastic girl. I'm your basic upper-middle class
WASP whose people have been in New England and the Maritimes for
more than 350 years. She was from a working class immigrant
family. I represented everything that they wanted their daughter
to stay away from. They opposed our relationship right down the
line.
Eventually my fianc�e had a complete nervous breakdown from the
stress. She couldn't bear to be without me and she couldn't bear
to hurt her family. The stress of that unresolvable dilemma was
just to much, and she snapped. And when we got her patched
together again, she and I had a long talk, and I kissed her
goodbye and walked away. It was the hardest thing I'd ever done
at that point in my life, but I couldn't bear to see her hurt.
And for all the pain it cost us, I know that her parents really
and truly loved her. They weren't determined to ruin her life or
to torture her or to harm her in any way. They only wanted what
was best for her. They just wanted it in a way that neither of
us could understand.
Betty wass very happy when last I heard from her. She married a
wonderful guy that her folks weren't too crazy about, but after
me they'd settle. I, of course, am also extremely happy having
married about the most wonderful woman in the world. It's hard
to believe I was as lucky as I was twice to find such women.
I don't recommend that the young lady in the base note follow
the same course that we did 18 years ago. It was the right
thing for us, but every story has its own plot and its own best
choices. I only recounted my own story to underline the fact
that despite having every reason to be bitter against parents
who try to come between their daughter and the man she loves, I
still counsel love and respect for those parents. It is very
hard to understand them, but I think we ought to try.
JimB.
|
| 459.15 | | BSS::BLAZEK | Dancing with My Self | Tue Jan 19 1988 22:01 | 11 |
| Just saw the previews of "For Keeps", a new movie. One of
the lines immediately reminded me of this topic. The girl
and boy are telling his parents she is pregnant and want to
get married, and while they're trying to express their love
and feelings for each other the father yells out:
"Shut up and listen, we're trying to decide your future for
you!!!"
Carla
|
| 459.16 | | GUCCI::MHILL | Void if Detached | Wed Jan 20 1988 08:28 | 4 |
| .1 said it best. I would like to suggest reading "The Road Less
Traveled" by M. Scott Peck, M.D. It offers many insights.
Marty
|
| 459.17 | | FIDDLE::LAVOIE | Moderator Extraordinairre | Wed Jan 20 1988 11:10 | 33 |
| She is going to pick up the book and definately have both her and
her s.o. read it. She has made a major decision on HOW to tell
them as well with avoiding as much of the yelling screaming and
mudlsinging which she is really afraid of.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My idea basically comes from a friend who suggested it first. I
am afraid that when I do tell them they will start to yell and things
will be said that aren't meant thus deepening whatever hurt there
may already be.
I am going to write them a letter explaining my actions and why
I am doing this. Also I am going to take a couple of points that
I know they will try to use and make counterpoints arguing them
as well as I can. At the end of the letter will be an invitation
to have dinner at my house with the four of us. At that time they
can make the decision to respect me for the decision I made and
at least give my s.o. a chance or they can end it all right there.
That way they can use their own rationale and it gives them the
decision they have to make.
Sure I am nervous but I am not scared. If i send them the letter
with all of my arguements why they should not abandon me then when
it comes time I can use those points and try to keep it from becoming
a mudslinging event. I love them and they can only be hurt if they
want to be. I also love my s.o. They have to understand I guess
that I am a big girl now making my life exactly that my life.
I will let you all know how it goes. I am moving on February 1st
and we will probably have them down towards the end of the month
beginning of March that way they can adjust to the shock of my not
living at home and then have to adjust to my decision.
|