Conference quark::human_relations-v1

    
    	Sometimes too far...
    
    	Nowadays, for me anyways, I think about it more and weigh the
    	pros and cons.  I sometimes wish that those few people (one
    	in particular) didn't affect me like they did.. Then again,
    	someone was bound to take advantage of my good nature. Better
    	that it happened sooner rather than later..  I kinda miss
    	being "starry-eyed" sometimes..
    
    							mike

    ...do I or do I not:
    	want to go the extra mile
    	want to give of myself
    	want to get close/involved
    
    		??????????
    
    My answer is yes!
    
    Being a single person is great fun (again) - being a solitary
    person is not so great fun (ever).
    
    j
    

    
    
    
    
    	Fool me once, shame on you;
    	Fool me twice, shame on me.
    
    

I know that my own "bad experiences" have impressed upon me the need to be
more cautious with regard to how I express feeling, but it doesn't make me 
any less devoted.  My devotion to my soulmate is no less than the devotion 
I expect from myself, so I don't feel that I'm giving too much.

I have developed the habit of turning most bad experiences into positive
ones.  So it didn't work out - what have I learned about myself?  I'm not
about to sit and pout and feel sorry for myself, but at the same time, I'm
not going to hang onto a rope, with no one on the other end, forever.  So-
called bad experiences have the advantage of giving me the experience I
need to face reality and realize that it's time to move on.

How much of myself would I devote to my soulmate?  As much as I possibly
can!  And if it's apparent that the relationship is going nowhere, then 
I'll stop.  And how will I know when to stop?  Can't say, really.  I just
hope that that time never comes.  

But *if* it does, I'll deal with it then.

Elf

    How much devotion will we put into a relationship without immediate
    gratification.  Well I am a conosoir in devotion, because I have
    been devoting myself, my time, my body, my thoughts for almost six
    months now waiting for a military man to return from his overseas
    assignment.
    
    My answer would be as long as it takes to see it through and find
    out whether or not it can work.  I have too much invested to back
    out now not knowing what the outcome would have been (letters,
    sacrifices, putting my life on hold); it all would have been in
    vain if I don't see it through.
    
    I used to drive 10 hours round trip just to spend 3 or 4 days with
    him; it was also convenient for me at the time.  But one must
    consider realistically if it is a wise move.  For instance he asked
    me to move to Greenland with him but it would have been defeating
    our purpose of getting caught up on our bills and saving some money
    before we get involved so that we can start out with a clean slate
    without having to fight financial pressures.  Also, I want to give
    our relationship every chance of making it, and Greenland does not
    offer normal living conditions (severe snow storms, total darness
    months at a time).  Right now, he doesn't have to pay rent because
    he lives in the barracks; but if I joined him we would have that
    extra expense.
    
    Also, I have a seasonal business that means big bucks to me and
    is going to be "my ticket out of here" when we relocate together
    I can be self-sufficient during the move.  Point 2:  If I follow
    him to Greenland without getting the committment of marriage, he'll
    probably never feel he has to marry me because he has me hooked.
    So its important to play your cards right.
    
    So what I'm trying to say is I plan to devote myself for the
    duration "support wise" and "body wise" because he is the captain
    of my heart but I also have to consider myself because if I don't
    look after me noone else will.
    
    I used to joke around and tell people I was "hopelessly devoted",
    but I really don't think so anymore.  I've known him for 7 years
    and if he was taking me for a ride, I would hope to have detected
    it before now.  Sorry about getting carried away with this.
    

    >If I follow him to Greenland without getting the commitment of
    >marriage, he'll probably never feel he has to marry me because he has
    >me hooked. So its important to play your cards right. 
    
    Feel he has to marry you?  Hooked?  Play your cards right?  If he
    doesn't love you enough to want to keep you, what makes you think
    your marriage license will be worth the paper it's written on?
    Also, if you were to follow him to Greenland without marriage, don't
    you believe he would become just as hooked on you.  Your phrase
    "play your cards right" disturbs me.  It sounds like this is a game
    of entrapment, and you are the bait.  At the very least, it sounds
    like you have a lot of insecurity surrounding this, and should think
    a bit more before considering marriage or relocating to be with
    this person.
    
    Elizabeth

I wouldn't go that far...  'Play your cards right', seems to be making sure
you're not left in the lurch on a glacier...

Jim.

    	
    	just how far with devotion? logically speaking within the 
    	bounds of getting hurt, badly.... speaking from the heart
    	`too far".....*sigh*
    
    	d

    Re: .7 (reply to CSMADM::GOINS' reply)
    
    I don't think Kim means she is trying to "bait" the guy into marrying
    her.  It surely isn't a "game" or a "chase", but I do know what
    she means.  It seems like many men are getting very comfortable
    with the ideas of the 80's.  Things like cohabitating and children
    out of wedlock seem to suit them just fine.  Many women (myself
    included) enjoy thr freeedoms of our age, but we still have that
    deep down feeling about getting married and settling down.  I think
    marriage is becoming obsolete to a lot of men, but less so to women.
    I know my SO thinks "what we have is great, why change it?"  I don't
    think he's afraid of marrying, he just doesn't "feel the need."
    I know what she means by "playing her cards right."  I am playing
    mine the best I can.
    It's not a game, it's just letting your SO know that "this great
    thing we have" is not the end of the line.
    
    Stacie

    Oh, I forgot about devotion!
    
    I consider myself *very devoted* to my SO.  I used to think there
    was something wrong with that.  My friends gave me the impression
    that if you are "devoted" you are being taken advatage of, losing
    yourself in the relationship, and/or being used.
    I found out that though it is possible to be too devoted, there
    is a nice balance you can strike in a loving relationship.  It's
    right around a variable half.  (Give or take a little according
    to immediate need.)  I think about him and his needs just as much
    as I think of my own.  It's not anything conscious, it just happens
    that way at this point.  Sometimes I give a little more when he
    needs it, sometimes I a little less when I need to give more to
    myself.  I like being devoted.  It makes me feel good.
    
    Stacie       
    

    a soul afraid of dying is a soul afraid to live.....
    

    
    	around and around and around and around and around
        
    	

    
    
    i'm devoted to my growth and my happiness...
    i'm devoted to my kids growth and happiness until they are 21.
    Then they'll be mostly on their own while i spend all my money
    on ME for a change!!!
    I've had 3 major relationships, all lovers, but have never devoted
    myself entirely to any of them....
    i devoted a LOT of my self to each of them, in turn, but i guess
    i don't believe in or care to devote my entire self to anyone.
    
    a nice compromise is fun, though....