Conference quark::human_relations-v1

	I do it all the time, usually when I'm mad and want to be sure
	and remember everything I want to say.   Only problem is, either 
	the other person doesn't respond right and I can't follow my
	"speech" or they say something 180 degrees off from what I was
	going to say, I feel like I had it all wrong, and I abandon it.

	In other words, about 95% of the time, my rehearsals are a
	waste of time.

	Kathy

    
    Lawsy, lawsy, talk about your applicable topics.
    
    I do this constantly.  In fact, I do it so constantly that I think
    it is my default mental activity.  If I'm not actively thinking
    about something, I'm engaged in one of these simulated conversations.
    
    It almost never does any good.  I have discovered that I am not only
    not the least bit psychic or good at predicting people's reactions,
    I think I have a facility for actually picking some reaction other
    than the one I'm going to get.
    
    Consequently, I've had to cultivate the ability to not be too taken
    aback when I get something other than what I thought I would.  Oddly
    enough, running fantasy role-playing games has helped in this area.
    FRPGs are sort of an organized subset of this phenomena, and one
    is frequently forced to wing it.
    
    Fortunately, when I was about twelve my dad turned me onto P. G.
    Wodehouse, which is about the only thing that saves me in situations
    like this.  A line for every occasion, even if all it does is making
    looking like a complete idiot feel better.
                                    
    DFW

    
    	I do, all the time, to no avail. Actually, the only time I
    	get words right anyhow is about a second after the
    	conversation ends. 
    
    	I used to REALLY practice that when getting ready to deal
    	with a store or mechanic because of dissatisfaction. I've
    	learned though, and now I write letters.
    
    	(Maybe thats why marriage vows are spelled out in advance;
    	 no telling what we might say. :-))

    Rehearse?  You bettcha!!!  All the time.  I now have this down to
    a really fine art.  I do it most often when I am really angry with
    someone, and I didn't have the opportunity to be spontaneous with
    this anger.  So, I have worked out this wonderful fantasy where
    I say everything I want to say, and the other person NEVER says
    a single word.  The major problem with this, is that I have actually
    been able to pull this off on numerous occasions, and as such, the
    other person doesn't get a word in edgewise, and is soooo ticked
    off that in the end, even though I said everything I wanted to say,
    I don't very often get to feel as good as I think I'm going to.
    
    I am working really hard on curbing this.  So far, not a lot of
    luck!!!!!!!
    
    sandie

    Steve, I think that rehearsing a speech is probably most effective
    if you want to ensure that all important points are covered, and
    the conversation, at least during the rehearsed part, is meant to 
    be one-way.
    
    By this I mean that *you* want to *tell* the other person something,
    without the other person's responding during your rehearsed part (no
    interactivity).    
    
    Once you are engaged in a two-way conversation, I don't know
    how effective a "canned" speech can be, unless you have thought
    of all the possible permutations of answers to match the other 
    person's responses.
    
    Also, *I* happen to think that feelings from the heart are best
    expressed when the actual words are not thought of in advance. 
    Unrehearsed, when you do speak, the words may come out kind of 
    "klotzy", but *your* feelings will most likely be interpreted the 
    way you mean them.
    
    
          Alan
    

    Back in the years before I was married I would do this when the
    relationship I was in was beginning to die. I would have long
    conversations with the man in question in my head - which of course
    never came to pass - because what he was saying with his actions
    was "so long". After a couple of these I decided never to anticipate
    what was going to happen because it never turned out that way. I began
    to regard this sort of mental conversation as a kind of bad luck.

    Bonnie

    
    It's funny, but I USED to do this but looking back on things, I
    think I've stopped.  Back when I used to do it, it was usually while
    I was smoldering over something and my stomach was ripping itself
    apart in knots and I'd rehearse what I was gonna say and then what
    she was gonna say and then finally, like you said, it would all
    go out the window.
    
    I found that it was linked to WORRY, and I pursued an active program
    to stop WORRYING (which you actually can do) about 95% of the stuff
    that I used to WORRY about, and lo and behold, I think that is when
    the scripts all stopped being created too. - Mark
    
    

    One way to make rehearsing important speeches more productive is to
    think through several versions of it -- "If I say x, how is he going to
    react?" or "How many possible reactions are there to statement Y?"
    
    This works a lot better for important conversations where you have
    to be prepared to answer lots of questions, like job interviews
    and performance evaluations, than it does when you're dealing with
    emotions.
    
    The fallacy in mental rehearsal for emotional arguments is that
    we almost always argue with some kind of projection of ourselves
    or our view of the person we're arguing with rather than trying
    to put ourselves in the other person's shoes and really imagining
    how that person will honestly react to what we're saying.  That's
    why role-playing conversations, where you rehearse by having a friend
    take the role of the person you need to confront, are more helpful
    than mental rehearsals.
    
    --bonnie

    Yeah, Steve, I do it too.  For me, I think it's more a part of my
    fantasy-life.  Strangely enough, I'm getting better at talking in
    real life the way I always wanted to in my fantasy life.    :)
    
    Lee

    I find that if I get a mental picture of where the conversation
    will take place, and then one or two sentences which will act
    as an opening to the subject to be discussed, it works a treat.
    
    The most difficult part is how to start talking about a particular
    topic, we usually know what needs to be said.
    

There are (in my opinion) two problems with "rehearsing a speech" and then
giving it.

1. The person to whom you are talking gets the feeling of being talked at, 
rather than talked to, especially if you "follow your script" regardless of
their actual responses. In personal communication, this can have a strong
negative effect.

2. If the conversation goes off track, and you let it go, then you are left
with a personal feeling of dis-satisfaction at the end: "Hell, I had all 
these neat things to say, and never got a chance to say any of them". So
the person to whom you are talking senses this irritation, and perceives that
you are dis-satisfied with the results of the conversation, so ... here we go
again.


 However, I _have_ found it useful to spend my time preparing an agenda rather
than rehearsing how the conversation will go. Sometimes I even write down the
points that I want to cover, and show the person with whom I am conversing the
list: "Here's the points I want to cover". Then we have a conversation, not a
lecture. Having an "agenda" also helps set the expectations of the other person
in that I have obviously put some thought into this and it is obviously of some
importance to me.

				Nigel
(I have, however, rehearsed the next few responses!)

        It doesn't work, I feel, if it is "rehersing a speech", but if
        it is practicing for an encounter it can be quite valuable. I
        play fantasy role playing games (like D&D), and murder mystery
        week-ends, and will often play out an anticipated scene from and
        upcoming game several times in several ways. I find that this
        helps me quite a bit even though the actual scene never occurs
        in any of the ways that I expected. 
        
        Similarly, I practice and play out in my mind many things from
        real life, and I think it helps. Often as I argue a point in my
        mind, I see the weaknesses of my own thinking, and will end up
        starting from a very different point than I would have with out
        the exercise. 
        
        View it like war games or team practice before a big game rather
        than as rehersal and you can turn waht could easily be a
        weakness into a strength. You're doing the right thing, pretty
        much, just viewing it wrong. 
        
        JimB.

    I agree with .8
    
    
    I'm constantly having converstions with people inside my head. There's
    very little that comes out of my mouth that wasn't thought about
    (rehersed) before hand. The only difference is I don't try and put
    the other person in any given role. Rather, I will anticipate many
    different reactions to what I might say, and be prepared for them
    all. The other thing I'll do is ALLOW the other person to raise
    a valid point. I'll put myself on the defensive and see how well
    I do defending myself. I think that just boils down to being honest
    with yourself. I have been very successful using this method.
    
    
    Steve

    re .13  Yeah , and I wish *HE* would shut up !   :-)

    I must have it pretty bad if I rehearse what I'm going to say in
    notes!
    
    I have found rehearsing a conversation pretty much a waste of time.
    People very rarely react the way I imagine they will.
    
    A friend has said to me, 'Never take responsibility for how someone
    reacts to you', i.e. it's their reaction to you; you can't predict
    what they might say.
    
    So I usually forget what I've rehearsed and play it by ear.
    
    Pete.

    re: .15, .16
    
    Aha .. there is the crux of the matter !
    
    If we "rehearse" in  the same manner a Boxer does shadow boxing
    ... practicing what  "MAY" happen, and imagining what 'scenarios'
    we "MAY" have to deal with, then we are doing something very USEful
    ... not only have we 'rehearsed' what we "MAY" say; we've also
    rehearsed the 'technique' of 'alternative planning'; then when 
    we do get the 'real situation' we are better prepared to handle
    it realistically.
        
    On the other hand, if we have imagined but ONE scenario "The ONE
    Right One" (sounds silly already, don't it ?) - then we have not
    practiced our art very well, and if there is any deviation from
    what is expected ( Boom .. CRASH ... failure city, folks !).
    
     Of course, for some situations, this is easier said than done;
    especially for those situations where we really DO want the outcome
    to be just one 'logical choice' -- ours !
    
    Example:
    "Ah .... honey-dear-sugar-plum......." 
    
    "Buzz off .. I gotta headache".
    
    .bob. (i should feel rott'n, but i don't)
    

    I have some of my *best* conversations with all sorts of people...
    all by myself!  ;-)
    
    I often use such mono-dialogues to either practice something, or
    to explore possibilities.
    
    In any case, I try not to use any such dialogues verbatim, they
    have little to do with a real situation with real people.

    Kak

Wow! I'm fascinated that so many people are doing this so often.  

I have learned to rehearse what I will say and consider possible responses,
but for me, it is a learned skill.  Highly artificial, like writing the
outline of an essay. I can do it very well, but it's not spontaneous. 

As a kid, I lived in a chaotic universe and we never quite knew what would
happen in the next hour or day. I never rehearsed anything because I never
had any idea of what was coming (Next weekend?  What's that?). 
 
In fact, the most "sci-fi" book I've ever read is called Day Dreaming, by a
Harvard psych professor.  It is a collection of day dreams and various
kinds of mental 'rehearsals' that people reported to the prof during his
years as a shrink.  (The prof specialized in counseling creative people
like scientists, writers, artists.) For instance, one man recalled that he
loved base ball as a kid and from about age 9 to 15 ran an imaginary league
in his head, kept scores of teams, traded players between teams, fired
coaches, etc.  And every spring, when the real season started up, so did
his imaginary one. Wow! 

.0 Is rehearsing more of a problem than it's worth?

If one must err, it is better to err on the side of reheasing.  
At least it ensures one is paying attention.                    Meigs

    I'm learning to rehearse only to go over possible responses, not
    to memorize a script.  It works a lot better.
    
    				Steve

Funny, I always thought EVERYBODY does this. Before a review, 
interview or an important conversation, I always spend some time 
daydreaming through the whole thing, carefully thinking out my
responses. I would then go back to the beginning, assume a different 
response from the other side and follow that one through. I do that 
again and again.

Just like in chess, the number of possibilities is usually quite
enormous. Just like in chess, I hardly ever manage to plan more than
three or four moves ahead. Also just like in Chess, I usually miss
the most obvious possibility...

While the approach is less than effective, I still do it, anyway. 
Force of habit, I guess.

-- Ron