Conference quark::human_relations-v1

    You are going to think that I am crazy, but.........
    
    My son also has a very unpredictable temper, and we finally about
    a month ago took him off all added sugar.  He has no sugar added
    to anything anymore, if it is already built in we limit what he
    has.  So far the temper has calmed down quite a bit, and we are
    working on how to calm it down all the way.
    
    Try to eliminate as much sugar as you can from your diet and see
    if this helps!  Heck, it can't hurt!
    
    Mary-Lynn
    
    BTW my son is almost 14, so he isn't a "little boy" with a temper
    tantrum problem!

    You may want to see a family counselor.  I doubt you'll get told
    that "you're crazy", but the counselor may help you understand
    why you react the way you do and give you ways to control it.
    
    I hope you realize that you are endangering your marriage by
    continuing as you are, thus it is in your best interest to seek
    help.
    				Steve

    Liz
    
    Look at a counsellor as a filter; let them filter out the root of
    the problem. Another tool is to be honest and tell your spouse that
    you focused on a problem and work out a plan to deal with the problem.
    The problem may never go away but at least you know when to go into
    a space of your own and let it explode.
    
    Reply .1 answer about diet will also work. The dietic needs of your
    body will tell you when you need to increase or decrease blood sugar
    levels. Eyesight is another general cause of stress that lends itself
    to bad temperment.
    
    If you should find out that stress is driving you to the funny farm,
    work on your priorities; you're number one when it comes to sanity.
    Communicate your feelings, work on your sanity. All the other stuff
    (housework, work-work, social work can go away until you feel better.
    
    Temper is a symptom, the underlying parts that make the "you" function
    is calling for attention. A Christian truth says that you cannot
    love others until you love yourself; love yourself to take care
    of yourself. [Note, I didn't say indulge yourself as some of Madison
    Avenue says].
    
    Hope this helps.
    
    /cal hoe

    
        I too have had occasions when I really regretted losing control
    and going *berserk*. The thing that changed me was that in a fit
    of rage I smashed my hand through a pane of glass severing all of
    the tendons in my right hand and receiving thirty stitches.
    
        Whilst I am not recommending this as a cure - I took some time
    out to try and rationalise what it was I was so angry about. I found
    out over time that most of my anger came from way back in the past 
    caused by my Father and the feeling of rejection I had from being
    an adolescent (we didn't get on). Since then (three years ago) I
    have worked on all of my relationships and some have gone well and
    some have gone badly (I include the loss of one wife as a possible
    "don't know") but the main point is that I took the trouble and
    professional help to find out the cause and for me it worked.
    
        I still occasionally walk round with a face "like thunder" and
    people who know me well stay out of my way but these times happen
    more and more rarely and I rarely loose control unless I have
    over indulged in alcohol. (Because I am aware of this I am very careful
    when I am drinking). For times when I feel I am going to explode
    I use one of the oldest tricks in the book - I count to ten and
    if I still want to say it I do. Invariably, I dont ! A bit of a
    silly technique but it does work if you can steel yourself to use
    it.                
    
    Don't give up (and stay away from the windows !),
    
    Steve
                                            

    Don't be afraid to seek out professional help - a psychologist or
    a family counselor. Or, perhaps you should even begin with your
    doctor, who can do a physical to rule out medical reasons, such
    as a blood sugar problem as was suggested in reply 1. Hormone
    imbalances can also be the cause of mood swings. If there is no
    underlying physical cause for your temper tantrums, then your
    doctor can recommend a psychologist.
    
    No psychologist is going to "declare you crazy". You don't sound
    crazy in your note. Lots of people who are not mentally ill go
    to psychologists for therapy.

    	- Rich    

    Well you can feel good about one thing...you've already made
    the first step towards solving this problem!  You've RECOGNIZED
    it.  Sometimes we can go for a long time without even seeing what
    we're doing.  You are seeing it...and are wanting to change it.
    
    There are many, many ways to change it.  Just keep it firmly in
    your mind that your goal is to change it, and do whatever you
    think will help.
    
    You've been honest with us about your feelings and fears and guilt...
    and we're strangers.  I truly feel it would be good to be honest
    with the one you love...the one who is on the receiving end of
    this.  If you can't say it, write it.  Let your love be bigger than
    your fear!
    
    I wish you success...and peace,
    
    Jerri

    Someone close to me is known to fly off the handle as in .0 and
    ALWAYS, there is something else that person is angry about that
    they can't deal with at the moment.  
    
    People have different "styles" of handling anxiety/frustration;
    a lot does depend on how you grew up.  But you can rework your behavior
    without having to change the way you feel about things.  Being angry
    is okay -- putting your fist through a window isn't :^)
    
    I highly recommend getting counseling; consider whether you are
    just letting your temper go with your husband, or in general, then
    decide on individual or family counseling.  Start with EAP.  No
    one will tell you that you are bad or crazy because you want help
    in making your life better -- it would be crazy not to!
    
    G

    Do check into possible physical causes.  I seem to remember a science
    program that described a woman who had the same kind of unreasonable
    temper.  In her case it turned out to be due to PMS (Pre-Menstrual
    Syndrome).  As I recall her husband thought she was crazy too.
    
    						MJC O->

    Hi Liz, my name is Judy and I have the same problem.  In fact, I'm
    a red head and you know what they say about us red heads! 
    
    First of all, the best advise I can give you (which works for me)
    is talk to yourself.  Given the same situtation, I would have done
    the same thing.  I'm not married but have found myself a wonderful guy. 
    He's perfectly aware of my temper and we've talked about it alot.
    It does come down to insecurity.  My insecurities are derived from
    a tuff childhood where I was picked on terribly and never had a
    "best friend".  I was homely and so out of place.  When I finally
    got to high school I blossomed and found many friends.  BUT, I never
    really trusted them.  Relationships have been even harder!  Brian
    fully understands my insecurity and is extremely patient with me.
    We've been going together for just over a year now and my temper
    has become quite controlled.  Oh, I still blow of steam over the
    stupidest things, but he's so understanding.   
    
    When I get into a situation where I feel myself getting all worked
    up, I literally talk to myself - "Judy, calm down, there's a perfectly
    logical reason as to why he hasn't called".  It works, believe me!
    
    Also Liz, don't be afraid to seek professional help - that proves
    you really want to help yourself and you'll be amazed at just how
    beneficial it can be.  I did it!  Yup, and I've become a better
    person for it.  Be prepared to take a hard look at yourself, but
    it's the best thing you'll ever do!  
    
    Hope I helped!   
       

    I agree with all the replies to your note; I'm just writing to relate
    my long going battle with my temper.  I guess my greatest goal in
    life is to learn to control my body; to understand the effects even
    before the causes occur.  Growing up as I did, I had a certain way
    of handling my problems which I inherited from my single parent
    mother.  We used to both scream at each other, and that was the
    way we handled the problem.  Now I have been living with my father
    who has a completely different behavior pattern, and he has helped
    me become more aware of this and some other problems.  RECOGNITION
    is, of course, the first step to recovery.  CONVICTION is the second
    step.  This is made up of two parts; a visual perception of recovery
    and a constant discipline to helping yourself.  Since you cannot
    truly know what your reaction will be to a situation before it happens,
    you must help yourself by "acting out" what you feel a normal reaction
    would be.  You will be surprised to know that when a situation like
    this occurs again, you will find yourself reacting more towards
    the normal way.  Discipline is tough, because many peolpe don't
    know their limitations.  Counseling and reading on the subject keeps
    the attitudes that you have fresh in your mind in order to discipline
    them.  One book that a friend has recommended to me in this department
    is called PYSCHO-CYBERNETICS.   Over the course of two years, I
    have seen those behavior patterns of old diminishing, and this is
    the course that I have taken
    
    Good luck
    
    John
    
    P.S.  Leo Buscuglia books are very helpful, too!
    
    

    Thank you very much you've all helped in certain ways, I've decided
    to seek out professional help, I hope I can control all these feelings
    someday.  But for now I thank all of you for being so understanding
    and friedly to me.
    
    Thanks, Liz
    
    

     My advise to you is to talk it over with someone you trust(a good
    freind).  Everybody looses their temper from time to time, which
    is normal, so dont feel bad.  The most important thing is you realize
    the problem.  Some ways to solve it??  Try to make a goal, or keep
    a dairy of each day you loose your temper, and write it in.  Write
    in why you lost it, and when you look back at it..you will want
    to do something about it.  Another solution is to try to relax,
    if you are up tight.  Do you have a hobby such as reading, painting,
    etc.  I do ceramics when I am uptight, and believe me it does wonders,
    because it gets your mind off of your frustrations.  try it! and
    I hope things work out for you.

    
    Try to think about what made the temper let go, then think about
    what really upset your day.  A bad temper could be an indication
    of other less visible things bothering you. Don't worry if its not
    part of you regular pattern, do something if it is. 
    
    John