Conference quark::human_relations-v1

>	The question is ...
>
>	How do you kiss ?? and what kind of kiss do you like to receive 
>	in return between friends/SO's etc. ??


    >	Suction strong enough to pull out a set of dentures !! :-).
    OK, when in passion, but I have broken a blood vessel in my tongue
    this way, and so I am a bit cautious.
    
    >  	Wet and sloppy.
    OK, again when in passion.  Especially great when not on the lips.
    
    >  	'French Kissing'.
    WONDERFUL, not only when in passion, but only with my SO.
    
    >  	Chaste and Dry.
    Beautiful.  A great way to show affection, with anyone for whom
    it would not be misunderstood.  With my SO, indicates "I love you,
    and that's not just because of the great sex."
    
    >	On both cheecks ( upper ones of course !! ) ;-).
    With any other than my SO, perhaps a bit too formal, but if that
    is how they feel comfortable, equivalent to "chaste and dry", above.
    With my SO, why the "of course" clause??? ;{)
    
    >  	On the hand.
    Formal, but a bit on the elegant side, seems to make the other feel
    a bit special if they are not used to it, else it has little meaning
    for me.

    >  	etc.
    YES!!! (again, with my SO).
    
    Sandy

    Let's bring this topic back to life. In fridays' "Dear Abby"
    column, a woman wrote in to say that she had a strong desire
    to kiss "other men". She is married and the mother of a 7-year
    old. She claimed the desire was NOT sexual, she just wanted
    to kiss. in view of her circumstances and seeming obsession
    with the matter, it was suggested she seek professional
    counseling. My question, do you ever want to "just kiss" ?
    With no further implications ? Without it leading to "more" ?

    YES!
    
    --bonnie

    Yes also
    
    Bonnie J

        I not only want to, I sometimes do. I have no interest in having
        serious sex with anyone other than my wife, nor casual sex
        either. Kissing on the other hand is fun and affectionate and as
        long as it isn't so passionate as to resemble foreplay and give
        the impression that sex is the obvious outcome I think it is
        perfectly harmless.
        
        JimB. 

        I have absolutely no way of dealing with a note that starts out
        with "since kissing serves no logical, useful or necessary
        purpose...", except to say that it is extremely alien to the way
        I view kissing and human relations in general. I will say that I
        refrain from any kissing that would result in unneeded and
        unwanted stress to the young lady involved, but that on the
        whole that hasn't been the reaction that I've normally gotten.
        
        If the way I act offends, distresses or discomforts those who
        happen to view it, I am terribly sorry. I do not, however, run
        my life by what plays well in Peoria. I do have a rule that what
        I'm not willing to do in public, (or at least to have known
        publicly that I do) is something I should probably not be
        willing to do in private. This doesn't mean living my life by
        other's standards it means being sure that I live it by mine and
        that I'm willing to stand up for what I believe in.
        
        On the whole, if you read conotations into the public behavior
        of others you'd better be awfully careful that your inferences
        are correct before you act on them or pass them on to others as
        facts. In this case, some of us kiss our friends, and mean by
        that nothing more than that they are our friends and that it is
        fun to kiss them. If you assume that there's something more
        going on, that is your problem and your mistake. You serve
        no-one well to convey your suspicions about our private behavior
        to others.
        
        JimB. 

        Nothing antagonistic seen in the above either.
        
        I was merely stating (perhaps a little strongly) that I see
        nothing at all "questionable" about kissing or holding hands
        with our friends, and see the expressions of friendship, love
        and mutual fun as extremely adequate reasons for indulging. Also
        I have enough problems of my own to be unwilling to accept the
        problems of those who form negative opinions from observing me.
        
        To paraphrase your title and signature, I see no reason not to
        do it, and no purpose to letting other people's speculations
        regulate my life. It comes from my refusal to allow myself to be
        motivated by or manipulated through either fear or guilt. People
        will lay all sorts of guilt trips and fear on you if you let
        them. And if you let them, you can end up sacrificing all sorts
        of things like love, friendship, companionship, trust, honesty,
        commitment, and integrity. Kissing's a small thing, but small
        surrenders lead to big defeats.
        
        JimB.

    Um, hey guys, did it ever occur to you both that many of us kiss
    others than those of the sex opposite ours and of equivalent age
    and the same species?
    
    
    When asked if I kiss (when I don't want to *do* it*) first answer
    is - with my husband of course I do, we kiss all the time, only
    more so when we are *especialy* close. But my 'yes' really meant
    that, of course I kiss lots of people - my parents, my kids,
    my in laws, my good friends, and even my pets....for whom I have
    no desire to do anything more than kiss....a kiss is just a bit
    better than a hug.
    
    Bonnie J
    
    
    

    Well, I'm not really all that interested in general kissing.
    [Insert unsuccessfully suppressed smile here.]  What I care about
    is hugs.  Simple little squeeze-gently-at-the-waist hugs to solid
    full-contact-passing-the-comfort/pleasure hugs.
    
    It just happens sometimes that one or more kisses fit in in the
    esthetic sense.  And Art must be served.
    
    							Ann B.
    
    P.S.  Why, no, I don't know anyone named Arthur.  Why do you ask?

        Sure it has occurred to me that many of us kiss friends not of
        the opposite sex and equivalent age. Being your basic fan of
        kissing, a lot of it happens around our house. My wife and I
        kiss quite a bit and we kiss the boys a lot, and they often will
        literally "kiss and make up" after fighting or hurting each
        other.
        
        Less kissing goes on with my parents and siblings as the family
        I head is more "touchie feelie" than the family I grew up in
        which is more of a traditional reserved New England family.
        
        The only males I kiss (other than babies) are my own sons. This,
        I'm willing to admit is culturally dictated but such is life.
        
        JimB.

    RE: .8
    
    > My question:  do you ever want to "just kiss" ?
    > With no further implications ? Without it leading to "more" ?

    I certainly do! (and hug, too ;-) ).
    
    I look at generic kissing as sinply a means of expressing oneself,
    and only one of several such means.  If someone sees me kissing
    a pet or a human, and wants to believe that I'm dating or getting
    cozy, then that *their* problem.  ;-)
    
    Kak

    It is interesting that this society does not condone touching. 
    
    I am a member of a small group of people who could be called "counter
    culture".  What I see with them is the total exceptance of displays
    of affection such as kissing, hugging, touching.  It is encouraged,
    supported, and desired.  Some call us weird, but in many ways we
    are more sane than "normal" society members.
    
    Kissing, hugging... you bet... and no: its not always sexual. 
    
    dana
    

    In college, we had an event called "Hug Day" in which everone coming
    into the student center was approached to be hugged.  We wore buttons
    that said "Official Hugger" (which I still have) and asked people
    if they needed a hug and if they said "no", we'd ask them if they
    wanted one for the hell of it.
    
    I'm sorry to say that this "free" event didn't catch on and by 1:30
    that day, no more hugging took place and Official Huggers all went
    home.
    
    As for kissing, I like kissing, just for kissing and nothing more
    than a good "smooch" for the day.  I wish I were kissed everyday
    but since my boyfriend and I don't live together, we go days without
    kissing and really enjoy "catching up".
    
    As for kissing anyone else but my boyfriend, not in a sexual way
    and mostly on the cheek (his friends, my mom).  The only other person
    in my family that kisses on the mouth is my niece Cara.  That's
    what she was taught.  The rest of us just aim for the cheeks.  I
    don't know what that all means and I don't try and figure it out.
     I'm just glad that we kiss as much as we can and even hug more
    often than kissin.
    
    Cathy (who heard a hug a day chases the blues away)

    Sure I like kissing.
    First, here in Europe, it is a custom. You meet a friend somewhere,
    or are introduced to a someone within your age group, and you just
    kiss them on the cheek. It depends on the country you live in. Four
    kisses in France and three in Switzerland. I'm not sure about the
    rest of the countries.                             
    Now personnaly, when I'm with someone I date, I like to french kiss.
    But, unfortunatly, nowdays most people don't know how to french
    kiss, or should I say, not the way I like it. So when I date someone,
    it will take me weeks to show him how to kiss me the way I like
    it. But I guess that is just how to built a relationship.
    As they say "PRACTICE MAKES PERFECT".

	What do noters believe the custom is in the USA about when to kiss?
Do you give/expect a kiss after the first date? Some of you might say
"kiss when it feels right", but what about those who aren't experienced
comfortable kissers so it might not feel right?

Chuck

    As soon as possible, but not sooner.

    re:.23
    
    There are two possible responses. The first is "go for it" and
    the other is "don't". I'm not trying to be a wiseass. Let me
    explain...
    
    "Go for it"
    
    I would think that as long as you don't appear "threatening",
    going for a kiss should be okay. If she doesn't want to be
    kissed, she'll say so when you try to kiss her. As long as you
    don't take it personally and/or put up a fuss, you'll be okay.
    If she *does* want you to kiss her, then there's no problem in
    the first place.
    
    "Don't go for it"
    
    As long as you're not comfortable doing it, don't. If she really
    wants to be kissed, she'll probably let you know (unless she's
    just as shy as you are :-)). With one of my XSO's, we'd gone out
    about three or four times before we kissed. That time, just as I
    was on my way out from her place, I started to lean toward her
    and she practically leaped at me! At later times, we had a good
    laugh over it.
    
    There's always the safe middle ground: *ask* her if she'd mind
    being kissed.
    
    --- jerry

The last few reply were good for a chuckle... It's been so long
since I've faced this dilemma... 

Of course, in most cases, the young lady's response is already known
--or at least, suspected-- beforehand. In the rare cases when it was
not, I always felt jumping her with an amorous kiss was in poor
taste (no pun intended), while asking her for permission implied
lack of confidence. 

So, the approach I favored involved enlisting her help. Like
saying: "I'd like to kiss you good night; please remove your
glasses". Or, moving very slightly away, then saying: "Would you
come over here, please?  I'd like to kiss you". 

This, when correctly and sincerely done, always seemed to work pretty
well: that way, she was actively participating. If, on the other
hand, a lady ever chose to decline: no move had been made on my
part; I had not been physically rejected; no 'face' had been lost;
the 'mucho' aura had not been damaged :-). 

    RE .26 >the 'mucho' aura had not been damaged :-)
    
    Is that like 'macho' only more so ? :-)
    
    Dana

    In England things are a bit different I think.
    
    When people meet for the first time - they (generally) would not
    kiss (onthe cheek) or otherwise.. (I don't think).  I feel that
    we are far more reserved (shaking hands is more the norm!).  I love
    kissing my husband and make a point of kissing my family (which
    is accepted).  I'm talking about English culture (I can't speak
    for Scotland/Ireland or Wales!).  When I met my husbands family
    they are also a huggy/kissy family, and I love it.  It seems to
    me that it does depend on where you are - Europe is most definately
    different (and personally I loved it?).  Have you noticed that in
    different areas different things are acceped?

    Re:
    .28> I'am talking about English culture (I can't speak for Scotland/
    Ireland,Wales!)
    
    You mean to say there are different indigenous ethnic groups in
    Gt.Britain ? I previously thought all the British people "are the same."
    So you seem to be saying the Scottish, Irish, English,Welsh have different
    cultures, different languages, different foods, etc.. from each other?  
    

    
    Re .29
    
    You're joking, right?
    
    'gail