Conference quark::human_relations-v1

    With all due respect to Dr. Buscaglia, I would not welcome a hug
    from a stranger.  Hugs are welcomed as a sign of affection, 
    coming from a stranger it would be a sign of hypocrisy.
    Hugs from/to family and/or dear friends are freely given and
    most welcome however.:-)

    
    A hug from a friend?  I wouldn't mind.  A hug from a stranger?
    It wouldn't get a great welcome!  You wouldn't know the reason
    for the person approaching you so close, I would stand back.
    I do LOVE hugs!  A hug can take away any bad feelings for the
    moment, make me feel all warm inside and make a brighter day
    for me!  I have a lot of close friends that know when I could
    use a hug and sure enough it helps!
    
    Re. base note
    
    I have just starting reading my first book from DR. Buscaglia
    about LOVE.  It is interesting reading and I have recommended
    it to friends.  I would love the opportunity to see him in 
    person, do you have any information about where I catch a
    seminar with him?
    
    Carole...
    

    > how would you feel if a person came up to you and gave you a hug?
    
    Depends on the state of mind of the person (not so much who they are),
    and I'll try to explain this in a minute.  But *usually*, I am nervous 
    about hugs.  Not because they're not a nice thing, but because I haven't 
    yet learned how to be comfortable with them.  I usually feel trapped 
    (there's a lot of reasons for this which I won't bore you with).

    There was a time in my life when I didn't want to hug, or be hugged,
    and I didn't want people touching me (other than more serious gestures).  
    I was afraid of being abused if I let people get too close (this stems
    from my childhood).  I'm sure that the process by which I have grown
    around this has been a gradual one, however, there was one particular 
    day that had a real impact on me.

    I had just given my best friend a gold necklace that said "BEST_FRIENDS", 
    simply because I loved her.  She knew how I felt about hugging, but after 
    she opened the gift box, her face lit up, her eyes filled with tears, and 
    she asked VERY POLITELY, "May I hug you?"  Someone I really loved felt
    that they had to ask my permission to show their love in that way!  :^{

    I've gotten much better at giving and receiving hugs...but they have to 
    be real, not just for show.  If they're just for show, they leave me 
    feeling emptier than before the hug.

    One other experience I'd like to relate quickly is that I attended a
    Loving Relationships Training a few years ago.  One of their 
    interesting demonstrations was on how people give hugs.  It was really 
    funny to observe, and relate to, what many of us really do.  There are 
    the kind of hugs where you just use your arms but try not to get too 
    close to the person.  There are also the kind where you pat the person 
    on the back while you're hugging them (I'm guilty of that one).

    But to me, a hug isn't much good without love.  If a stranger came up 
    and hugged me for no obvious reason (as opposed to being very happy 
    and excited about something), I'd think they were getting fresh.  If an 
    upset person hugged me I would want to be there for them and would enjoy
    sharing love with them in that way.  If a happy person hugged me just
    because they were happy...I think I would feel the love and excitement 
    and enjoy it.  But if someone hugged me as a greeting gesture...I'd be 
    nervous, right now (I'm sure this will change someday).  

    I enjoy communicating love and greetings with faces and eyes very much.  
    I haven't yet integrated hugs into my style of communication. :^)

    So, all you hug-lovers out there...now you know the inner-workings of
    one nervous-hugger's mind. :^)  You can give me a sincere smile and say 
    "hi" and it will brighten my day just as much!

    Jerri

    P.S.  I've read several of Leo B's books.  He is a very loving person
    and I know how much he enjoys hugging.  If I saw him, he would probably
    be one of those very happy people I would enjoy hugging and sharing the
    good vibes with.  But I think finding people like him is unusual.

    Hi--
    
    Looks like we all feel the same way!!
    
    I love hugs, too, but from a perfect stranger, no.  I'm afraid they
    would get an unwelcome surprise from me, then!
    
    With people I know/like/love, you can't hug too much.  I'm a believer
    in the "support-type" hug--the kind you give a co-worker who is
    having a bad day.  When I get all choked up, I hug, too.
    
    Hugs and kisses,
    
    Jane

    RE .2
    
    I'm not sure how to find out about his seminars.  I know that
    channel 2 and 11 will sometimes show tape seminars of his.
    
    In answer to my own question, I too would probably be leary of
    a hug from a stranger, unless she was well endowed :-).  
    
    Seriously, I feel everyone has there own space around them that 
    they don't like being intruded.  When people get too close to me, 
    unless it's my SO, I tend to back away.
    
    Shawn
    
    

    	
    	I highly recommend that anyone who hasn't read his work
    	should.
    
    	I ran into him in Boston a few years ago.  At the time I
    	was taking a philosophy course and I had just read 
    	"Living, Loving, and Learning".  I walked right by him, and
    	then I realized who he was!  I turned around and yelled
    	"Leo" at him.  We talked for a few minutes and sure enough 
    	he is a really nice person!
    
    	We need more like that!
    
    	I do agree though, if a stranger hugged me I'd probably feel
    	very uncomfortable.
    
    						Carol

    Not that Dr. Buscaglia isn't a nice guy, but hasn't he spent too
    long in his hot tub? :) :)
    
    I started to agree that a hug from a perfect stranger would probably
    earn said stranger a sharp elbow in the ribs, and then I remembered
    being in Fenway Park last summer when Tom Seaver pitched his first home
    game for the Red Sox, and won -- and I was certainly hugging the
    perfect stranger in the seat next to me with great enthusiasm when the
    Sox scored the go-ahead run! 
    
    Most weddings and funerals I've been to end in indiscriminate hugging,
    too. It's as though the joy or the sorrow break down the walls and
    unite us as one big family of human beings.

    Another note mentioned hugging wrong, like patting on the back while
    you're hugging -- Doesn't everybody pat??????????????? That's certainly
    the way I learned it. Especially if you're hugging after a funeral.
    What's wrong with patting?????
    
    --bonnie, who doesn't necessarily feel comfortable with hugs but
    agrees they're wonderful.

    I guess us people in the west don't feel the same as eastern people.
    i know i was in boston a few weeks ago for the first time. i went
    up to a couple of people to ask directions, and they seemed to feel
    i was in there space. which is real unfriendly. on hugs lets say
    you are with a few friends, and you meet some new people at this
    time, you party together for a few hours, have a good time but still
    these people are strangers, at the end of the night you get ready
    to leave and few of the people you have just met want to give you
    a hug, are they in your space or not. i think it is a way to show
    you they have enjoyed your company. so it is not the people doing
    the hugging that has the problem, it is the the people that can't
    except the warmth and kindness that can't deal.

    Yeah, well, unfortunately in the situation you describe, I've been
    hugged more often by men wanting to paw me for a few cheap thrills than
    I by friendly sorts who wanted to indicate they had a good time. Cold,
    maybe. My problem, partly. But not entirely.
    
    (I am, by the way, a Westerner by birth and training -- Montana. I hug
    my family, but only at weddings, funerals, and reunions. I have found a
    lot more people who hug casually in the east than I ever knew in
    Montana.) 
     
    --bonnie

    
    	Me an my SO even hug over the phone! It still feels good, even
    though we're miles apart, because the Spirit behind it is still
    there!
    
    	Personal space...is such..a..*surface* consideration! Whats
    in the person's heart?
    
    	Joe Jas
    

    Re: .7

    Sorry Bonnie, I don't remember what exactly the LRT said about
    patting on the back, but I don't think I said it was bad.  The LRT 
    just pointed out several reasons why *some* people pat...which have 
    nothing to do with giving a real hug.  Some people may pat because 
    they're nervous and don't know what else to do...or some, maybe 
    because they feel superior..., etc.  I guess it's up to the 
    individual to decide for themselves what they're doing.

    I think the LRTs main focus was that all you have to do to give and
    receive a real good hug is to wrap your arms around the person (don't 
    hold back), hug them good (without breaking their ribs), and you don't 
    need to do anything...like thinking, or patting, or whatever.  Just 
    feel the good vibes.

    That, of course, is their opinion/suggestion/insight.  I think there 
    is value in it...it made me think about why I pat people.  It didn't
    make me totally stop...but it makes me question my reasons when I do 
    it, and that has been valuable for me.

    If patting makes you happy, pat away. :^)

    Jerri

    Yes, Jerri, that answers my question, but I still interpret what they
    said as implying fairly negative things about patting -- that if you
    pat while hugging it indicates insecurity, immaturity, or some kind of
    ulterior motive that spoils the message of the "pure" hug.  CertainlyOr
    I don't think one needs to pat or rub in order to have a good hug,
    and when I get a good hug without patting, I don't feel like I've
    missed anything.
    
    On the other hand, when I rub or pat a friend's shoulder while I'm
    hugging them, I don't think I'm indicating power or nervousnous
    or anything but affection.
    
    --bonnie
    
    p.s. I didn't mean to sound like I thought you were responsible for
    their opinions, either. . . 

    
    Leo Busceglia is often found after his lectures in the audience
    hugging people. Unfortunately the people who need it most usually
    don't get the attention, elderly mostly who have lost their spouse
    etc...
    
    Hugging is a great way to show appreciation but it can be taken
    two ways in the work place. I was promoted once in a job to night
    manager and I was so happy and excited (I had worked har for this)
    that I jumped up and hugged him right there. After a tense second
    he started to hug back too! I wouldn't suggest this tactic every
    time you get a great review though. :-)
    
    I know though if given that situation all over again I would have
    done it exactly the same way. I love hugs and it is my way of showing
    affection sometimes the best way too. Just because I hug you doesn't
    mean I am fooling around with you too.
    
    Debbi
    (a kid at heart)
    

There's no question in my mind that a hug is the perfect pick-me-up.  I think
people by nature are social creatures, and to know that a fellow "creature"
thinks enough of you to hug you is a great feeling.


There are all sorts of motives for hugging, depending on who you talk to.  For
myself, it's this:  "Hey you, I like you and care about you and I wanted you
to know that so I thought I'd show you instead of telling you."  Of course,
there's a great difference between hugging family and hugging my SO, so that's
not a universal truth!  But it's true most of the time.


I too am not sure about a hug from a stranger!  But who knows, if the circum-
stances were right it might be fine.  I _do_ hate to limit my possibilities!


Brian

    I'm definitely a hugger, and my SO is, too (thank heavens).  I did
    not grow up in a very physical family and just over the last four
    or five years, started hugging my mother hello and goodbye (I see
    her about twice a week).  At first, she was reluctant, even seeming
    embarrased.  Now she hugs back exuberantly.  
    
    She's an unattached woman in her mid-fifties and once confided in
    me that she was glad to have grandchildren, because it meant she
    could get hugs!  How sad!
    
    I thinking hugging is addictive, and when you don't get it, you
    miss it, but avoid the unfamiliar physical contact.  I would not
    reject a hug from a stranger in the right circumstances (the exciting
    sports event type).  Actually, I wish people would shake hands more!
    (I mean Americans here).  It's a good way to break the ice physically
    when you meet a stranger or run into an acquaintance.  We only seem
    to do this in business situations.  
    
    G
    
    

================================================================================

    I found this on my desk this morning, when coming to work.  It seemed
    appropriate, so here it is:
    
    		      HUGGING CAN IMPROVE YOUR HEALTH		
    
        
    Hugging is a miracle medicine that can relieve many physical and
    emotional problems facing America, experts say.
    
    "The type of hugging I recommend is the bear hug," said Dr. David
    Bresler, director of Pain Control Unit at UCLA.  "Use both arms,
    face your partner, and perform a full embrace."
    
    "I often tell my patients to use hugging as a part of their treatment
    for pain.  To be held is enormously therapeutic."
    
    Researchers have also discovered that hugging can help you live
    longer, protect you against illness, cure depression and stress,
    strengthen family relationships, and even help you sleep without
    pills.
    
    "Hugging is an excellent tonic," declared Dr. Harold Voth, senior
    psychiatrist at the prestigious Menninger Foundation in Topeka,
    Kansas.  "It has been shown scientifically that people who are mentally
    run-down and depressed are far more prone to sickness than those
    who are not."
    
    "Hugging can lift depression - enabling the body's immune system
    to become tuned up.  Hugging breathes fresh life into a tired body
    and makes you feel younger and more vibrant."
    
    "In the home, daily hugging will strengthen relationships and
    significantly reduce friction."
    
    "I'm convinced that the tender embrace can prevent or cure a host
    of different problems," said Dr. Robert Rynearson, who is chairman
    of the psychiatry department at Scott and White Clinic in Temple,
    Texas.
    
    "A hug can have an astonishing therapeutic effect by providing a
    sense of companionship and happiness."
    
    "Researchers discovered that when a person is touched the amount
    of hemoglobin in their blood increases significantly," said Helen
    Coulton, author of the forthcoming 'The Joy of Touching'."
    
    "Hemoglobin is a part of the blood that carries vital supplies of
    oxygen to all organs of the body - including the heart and brain.
    An increase in hemoglobin tones up the whole body, helps prevent
    disease and speeds recovery from illness.
    
    "My 15 years of research have convinced me that regular hugging
    can actually prolong life by curing harmful depression and stimulating
    a longer will to live."
    
    Pamela McCoy, R.N. who trains nurses at Grant Hospital in Columbus,
    Ohio, said, "We found that people who are hugged or touched can
    often stop taking medication to get to sleep."
    
    "The warm meaningful embrace can have a very positive effect on
    people, particularly during times of widespread stress and tension
    like today," Dr. Voth added.
    
    "Hug your spouse, your children, close friends or relatives.  If
    you live alone, the warm embrace with a friend whenever you meet
    is just as beneficial.  It's a marvelous way to improve the quality
    of your life."
    
    "Sometimes I just take out my prescription pad," Dr. Bresler said,
    "and then I write out a prescription for four hugs a day - one at
    breakfast, lunch, dinner and bedtime.
    
    LET'S GIVE THREE CHEERS FOR HUGS!!!!!!!!!
    
    Corey
    
    
  
    
 		
    

    A hug from my husband, daughter or sister is one the greatest
    pleasures I know...  No kidding!  
    
    But from anyone else, it doesn't feel nearly as natural, and
    therefore has a whole different effect.
    
    In fact, I'd probably feel fairly uncomfortable.
    
    
    Jacki
    

    FWIW, there is a Square Dance "call" for this; it's called
    
    	"turn to your corner and Alamande Y"

    Re: .19
    
    Indeed - if you ever feel in need of hugs, square dancing provides
    LOTS of them.
    				Steve

    
    Another call used for hugging your corner is "Yellow Rock" - keep
    that in mind for the next time you go Square Dancing ;-)
    
    					Joe

    I do not know about anyone else at this point, but I sure could
    use one right now !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    	This has been one of those days............
    

   You are so right....it has been one of those days.
    
    I could use a big bear hug, right now.  Anyone got one they could
    throw my way????

    At 6-2 (1/2 :-)) and 250lbs, does that constitute a bear hug???
    
    If so ...hereeeeeeee.  GRUUUUUUNNNNNNNTTTTTTTTTTTT,
    SSSSSSSQQQQQQUUUUUUUSSSSSSSHHHHH, SNAP!!!! oops sorry. :-)
                                Al the bear....

    Gee, I wish I had known you were here at the same ridiculous
    hour I was working last night . . . nothing more discouraging
    than being at work at midnight on a Friday night . . .
    
    --bonnie

    RE: 24 - Al
    
    Yes, that was the BEST hug I've had all year!!  Thank you!  But
    I will probably need a visit to the Chiropractor  ;-).
    
    -Dotti.

    UGH!  ZUG ZUG, GRUNT, F**T, SNORT.... (please enter all other
    discusting noises that you can think of)   :-)
                                      AL (the animal)

Odd... occasionally I crack people's back when I give a bear hug, but I've
usually been *thanked* for it! :-)

Jim.

    
    On huggs........
    
    Seriously, hugging is a dead essential for any stressful job.
    I have been lucky enough to work for the last two years in sales
    units where there have been some great "huggees" - and they bring
    a ray of sunshine into a fraught day.
    
    So.......to any of you sensitive huggers out there who have given
    a well-timed, well-meant hug at the right moment........THANKS!
    
    There's a good book called "The Little Book of Hugs" (would you
    believe) - it looks cute and I got it as a present. Lots of pictures
    of polar bears hugging and definitions of a friendly hug, supportive
    hug etc. I didn't take it too seriously but I saw in the back that
    it had been written by a marriage counsellor and was a humourous
    way of putting across a serious point i.e. HUGS, WE ALL NEED THEM!
    
    Abigail