Conference quark::human_relations-v1

    
    	Lets say its because you dont have a *positive self image*;
    I think insecurity *follows*...
    
    	Positive self image means that you think of yourself in a,
    well, positive way. Yes, I am good, I've worked hard and deserve
    the compliment I've just recieved. The most positive thing you
    can do for yourself *and* the giver is to simply say "Thank You".
    
    	Joe Jas
    

    Well, it sometimes depends on my guess of why the person is paying
    me the complement.  Some people want something "nice" to say, so
    they'll complement on ANYthing, just to complement.  Some people
    want to control you, like you're depending on them saying something
    nice just so your day will go well.  Or like you've finally given
    in to their demand and they like the result, whether or not you
    like it.  And some people really DO think that whatever it is
    is neat and want to let you know out of the goodness of their
    hearts.
    
    I used to be much more uneasy about complements than I am now.
    Now, what I say depends on how well I know the person and whether
    I think they and I want the situation to be more than a graceful
    social exchange.  I've found I feel better when I take the
    complement with a pleasant "why, thank you!" instead of letting
    myself get embarrassed, and it lets the other person feel good
    too.  Sort of like gifts - you have to let people feel good by
    giving you the complement, so long as they're not trying to
    control you.  Or, so long as you're not letting them use it
    to control since, always, you have to give that away for someone
    else to be able to take it.
    
    Confused a bit, but perhaps you can make sense of it.
    
    --Louise

    I think that it may be harder for people who consider themselves
    perfectionists.  Unless they truly believe that what they have done,
    created or are is truly perfect then they find a reason to also
    make the complimentor aware that it is not perfect (very self-
    defeating behavior, as what is perfect?)  To accept a compliment 
    graciously is a very difficult thing to do, but it can be done just
    by simply saying thank you and ending it.  This is another of those 
    "behavior modifications" that takes concious practice, but once
    the habit is formed it is amazingly easy.
    
    I from personal experience:  I am a knitter, and have been doing
    so from age six.  I am an expert (although it took me a long time
    to admit it), have knitted professionally and also have taught
    classes.  And yet......it took me most of my life to get over the urge 
    to tell anyone who complimented my work about the mistake in the
    piece.  In fact for years, I would rip out almost completed pieces 
    because I found a mistake somewhere.
    
    As a sideline to this subject, why do we also feel the need to call
    ourselves names?  How often in conversation do you hear someone
    say of themselves "I'm so dumb" or "I can't do anything right"?
    Is this because we really want from the other person reassurance
    that we are not?
    

    In my case it's partly seeking reassurance, and partly defensive
    strategy -- if I criticize myself for some small flaw, perhaps that
    will disarm the other person and keep them from saying anything
    really hurtful.
    
    --bonnie

    
    I don't take compliments or praise very well, and I tend to play
    down my role in just about everything.  Life experience has cultivated
    an innate distrust of people who pay compliments right off the cuff.
    Also, for some reason I never really perceive my role in anything
    as particularly crucial. My habit is to think, "well, I might have
    made it easier, but it would have happened anyway."
    
    My closest friends have learned to cope with this aberrant behavior.
    If I do something for them, they say thanks.  If they like something,
    they say so.  And leave it at that.
    
    DFW

    I was always defensive about recieving compliments, too.  Sometimes
    I still squirm a little.  But I never thought about that defensiveness
    bothering anyone until I dated someone who ALWAYS backhanded them!
    I mean you just could NOT say anything nice to this guy--he just
    couldn't hear it without putting the compliment (and me) down. 
    After a while, it just got too hard to deal with, and we stopped
    dating.  BUT, I learned something very valuable--I learned how it
    felt to have my sincere compliment thrown back in my teeth.  So
    after that, even if I doubted the person's sincerity, I tried (and
    continue to try) to take it at face value and thank them.  Usually
    it makes both you and the other person feel pretty good.  
    
    Feeling good pretty often generates more good feelings, too!
    
    Jane

    I, too, tend to cringe from compliments and to put myself down.
    Some of this is a holdover from my socially-inept teens (which are
    now twenty years behind me, but my! how these things hang on!);
    some of it is an extreme form of "the last shall be first," in which
    I would rather claim less than my due and have someone say "Oh,
    but you're so much better than that," then to claim more and hove
    someone say, "Nope, move down a seat." And some of it is simple
    superstition; I'm afraid the Powers That Be will overhear if I'm
    too enthusiastic about something or too proud of it or if I count
    on it too much. (Interesting contrast here to the "New Age Thinking"
    stuff, isn't it?)
    
    I've finally learned (I hope) to accept compliments graciously,
    though, despite all of the above hangups. If the compliment is sincere,
    even if I'm not particularly proud of whatever it is that's being
    complimented, it's better to thank the giver than to deprecate onesself
    and suggest that the complimenter doesn't know what s/he is talking
    about; and if the one offering the compliment is being snide or
    insincere, then accepting it graciously will remove the sting!

    As for my negative attitude, I'm not sure I want to change. It would
    be nice to think more positively - and in general I am an optimistic
    sort of person - but it feels safer to follow every "I wish" or
    "Let's plan to" with "...but in case it doesn't work out, that's
    all right too."
    
    -b

    I normally didn't 'put myself down', unless I was complimented.  Then I
    seemed to try to minimize it.  Perhaps part not trying to seem like an
    inflated ego, and part feeling uneasy about accepting it (perhaps
    because it felt unearned).
    
    Well, after realizing how cretinous this seemed to me, I started saying
    'Thanks!' with a smile, whenever I was complimented.  No point putting
    the compliment-or into spazms.  :-)  Now, the only time I'll say
    anything else if if I feel the compliment was waaaaay out of line.
    
    Kak

ever notice...?

	o  that you take a compliment better when you feel
	   you've "earned it" by strenuous efforts (as opposed
	   to being recognized for some innate talent that
	   "comes easy")?

	o  that a compliment from your peers is appreciated
	   more than a compliment from "higher-ups" or other
	   people who are not that in-touch with what you do?

	o  that you quickly learn to identify those folks who
	   try to "start you off" with a compliment before
	   "following up" by making demands on you?

	o  that being singled out from among your fellows for
	   praise does not taste as sweet when you feel like
	   those fellows are unappreciated or being given a
	   "raw deal" by the persons doing the praising?

I perform on the violin.

Last Friday night, I played in a duet, with my wife on piano.  It was
in a suburban house, about 25 people there, and there were about
4 other pieces played by people.

To me, we made a bunch of mistakes in our piece.  Once we were a measure
apart, got back on.  In another place I missed notes entirely, almost
dropped my bow.  In yet another, I made up the tune !

I think I was nervous.  We played MUCH better during final rehearsals.

So I felt I had screwed it up.

But during refreshments in dining room afterwards (standing around,
juice n one hand, choco chip cookie or cheese in other):

	"Oh Eric, you played wonderfully!"

	"Eric, your tone is SO much improved.  Why I remember when
	you were just a beginner."

	etc. etc. etc.

I was tempted to say "you didn't hear the mistakes ?" etc.  But I've
finally learned to refrain.

I've finally learned to respond with smiles and

	"Thank you very much !"

and

	"Oh, thanks you.  And thanks for coming !  I'm really glad you're
	here!"

I figure it this way.  They may not have noticed the mistakes, and
they may actually mean the compliment.  If so, a smile and "thank you"
is perfect for both of us, makes us BOTH feel good.

Or maybe they DID notice the mistakes and have other motives for
complimenting me.  It does no good to admit my suspicions of such.
If such a person wants to compliment me anyway, I'll accept it.
Let them worry about whether I deserve it.

There's another facet too.  I tend to be ALOT harder on myself than
others are on me.

So some people probably noticed my mistakes and still enjoyed my playing
anyway.

I certainly enjoyed anothe woman's performance of a Brahms Sonata that
evening, even though she STOPPED in the middle because she lost her
place and had to resume.

In fact, I enjoyed her performance even more for that.  It made it a
human performance, not a mechanical recital as a perfect performance
would have seemed like.

Sometimes just looking at my own reactions, like my enjoyment of
the "flawed Sonata", allow me to conclude that other people like
me and my performances even when I flaw.

This all helps me accept compliments more easily.

Similarly, I enjoy seeing pictures of myself more than I used to.
I used to say "Yecch.  Am I really that bald ?"

/Eric

	Do I put myself down ... Yes
	
 	Why ...lack of self confidence and low self image

	When a person compliments me, instead of accepting it at face value, 
	I question the motive behind the compliment.  The persone needs a 
	favor from me or s/he has something bad to say to me so their 
	"buttering me up."
	
	The lack of self confidence and low self image stems for years of 
	family members telling what I'm not and never will be.
    
	Thanks to my S.O., I now have a better self image, and my bouts 
	with depression are less.  I have stop trying to prove to my family
    	that I am worth something, because it doesn't matter.  What matters
	is what I think about myself.  I still have long uphill battle to
	fight, but at least now I'm fighting back.

    

    well, I still want to cringe and crawl out my skin when someone gives
    a complement on XXXX, especially when XXXX is something I am insecure
    about. 
    
    Its the not-so-personal aspects of life that I can accept without
    too much fuss... like a memo, a program, the repair I did on someones
    auto... but the complements on my looks, my art (photography), or...
    are the hardest to take, because they hit so close to my heart.
    
    Sure, I have learned to say "thank you <and hide in terror inside
    myself... denying the comlement totally... wondering why?>", but
    still there is some body_language which will contradict the listener.
    I must ACCEPT the complement... sometimes that is not so easy when
    one does not feel good about him(her)self.
    
    When it comes to one's art, the terror is especially appearant.
    When learning an art, you are CONSTANTLY criticized by your teachers,
    fellow students, peers.  Anyone can look at a photo and say "it
    does not speak to me", or "what is that in the left corner". Or,
    read a poem and contradict its tempo, criticize the flubbed note,
    or inappopriate timing during a musical performance.  You begin
    to EXPECT criticizm, and begin TO BEAT THE PUNCH by putting yourself
    down before the critic does.
    
    Admittedly, the critics are found more often in art-schools and
    within other in-secure artists (who can always do 'it' better),
    but one "run through such a mill" begins to expect being cut down.
    It hurts to have ones work cut apart.
    
    Sometimes it is benificial.  Sometimes the critics are just petty.
    
    But this is the society we mature in.  You learn not to be TOO PROUD
    of something, because someone will tear it down.  You also learn
    you are never THE BEST, there is always someone better (or at least
    so they believe).  
    
    This society is slow to reward and quick to stomp on someone's inflated
    ego (usually by someone elses inflated/insecure ego).  You learn
    that complements are not expected, therefore what do you do with
    them when given?  Well, look for 'the catch' or dis-believe them,
    of course!  
    
    Another aspect to consider is what is the "complementor" doing while
    we are recovering from the complement?  I have frequently seen someone
    give a complement in hopes that you will notice them, and possibly
    complement their XXXX.  ("I stroke your ego, you stroke mine?") 
    I have not fully figured this behavior out...  I usually do return
    the complement, but in order to "notice" that this is expected,
    I have recover from the "self-centered panic" that their complement
    started.
    
    I am not sure that anyone takes a complement well... at least not
    someone with a little humility.  I cannot quickly think of one.
    
    Well, I guess at the noters party their will be a lot of complements!
    :-) ... I suspect we are all being human!
    
    -dana

        Re: .11
    
        Thinking about it as a downhill battle (instead of an uphill 
        battle) may make it easier.  Perhaps you've already come over
        the top of the mountain! :^)
    
        Jerri

    I enjoy compliments and get them but every time one comes my way
    I also have a but...
    
    An example - I am very particular about my hair being perfect, very
    rarely having a strand out of place and would spend hours doing
    it in the morning.  Exactly why I'm not sure but I know that I never
    feel comfortable unless my hair is perfect.  A few weeks ago I got
    a perm for the back of my hair, the front was too short.  The front
    finally grew in and it was long enough now.  So bored with the old
    hair style I had the front permed too.  Everyone (excluding two)
    like it and says it really looks good.  There I am with the buts
    again as soon as they compliment me.  But I'm not sure if its me,
    but its too curly, but it didn't come out right this morning, but
    its lost is curl from the rain, but....... the list is endless.
    
    After compliments, for whatever reason, and I have my *buts* a lot
    of people have told me that I am too hard on myself.  The more I
    think about it the more I find it to be true.

    Putting my self down...!?  Maybe never satisfied and pushing myself
    to much.
    
    Jude  \___^.
          /\ /\  
    
        

    
    
    	Re: .13
    
    	Unfortunately I'm not ever near the top of the mountain.
    	My family is only 60 miles away.  Each time I visit them 
    	it sets me back a little.  I used to visit them (parents)
    	once a month,  now it's about once every three months.   
        
	Before anyone suggest that I tried talking to them, I did.
	        

    Boy, does the situation in .11 and .15 ring bells for me -- my mother
    doesn't even have to say anything to wreck my self-esteem for a
    month, she just gives me that look and doesn't answer, and I shrivel.
    
    My family never denied that I'm good at what I do -- I'm a good writer,
    I was bright in school, they're proud that I went to graduate school
    and have a good job with a major corporation, they can even handle my
    leaving work to write novels.  What they did was deny that any of these
    skills are useful in the real world. I'm not good at fixing cars or
    growing gardens or putting in wiring and putting up sheetrock to finish
    the basement. If left to myself, I would obviously drown in seas of
    unwashed laundry and untrashed newspapers.  I think my father is
    finally coming to approve of my way a little bit, but the more I
    make my way work, the more my mother puts me down because she thinks
    that my choice implicitly criticizes the way she lived her life.
    She can't accept that some people are good at gardening and some
    are good at writing books, and both are equally valid and valuable
    things to do. If one of us is right, the other one has to be wrong.
    
    I can't even talk to them about it because one of our strongest family
    rules is "if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say it."
    
    Since I now live some 2400 miles away from them, I can forget about
    the gaping holes in my self-esteem and live my life most of the
    time, but all that does is put more time between bouts of
    worthlessness.  But the distance doesn't help me deal with the
    underlying problem. 
    
    --bonnie

    
    
    For what it's worth, when I went to a hypnotist to quit smoking
    as we were chatting I offhandedly made a remark about myself (intended
    to be funny), but he said that the subconscious has no sense of
    humor and that if you put yourself down your subconscious will believe
    it and you will become more like the things you say about yourself
    -- power of suggestion??  So, since then whenever I catch myself
    making fun of myself - I stop and tell myself "I really didn't mean
    it - I'm not dumb, I'm smart, etc"  -- silently, since some would
    think I was losing it if I was carrying on a conversation with myself
    .... the point is be positive with yourself and it will have a
    beneficial effect on your psyche.

    If you don't believe in yourself how can you expect others to believe
    in you!
    
    I am a contractor, which means that every few months or so I have to go
    out and get a new assignment, unless the current one gets an extension.
    This means going to a potential client, listening to their description
    of their problem, the job that needs doing etc. Then they say, 
    "Well looking at your CV (Am. Resume) it looks like you have done some
    things similar to this before, do you think you can handle the job?" 
    
    THis puts me in the situation where I have to be honest with myself, I
    must not say yes if clearly the job is impossible for me to do, but if
    it is possible and I say no I am cheating myself out of work. Perhaps
    because of this I have little difficulty in accepting a personal
    complement if it is genuinely meant (and I can usually tell if it is!)
    and I just say thanks.  If I get a professional complement from my
    boss, I usually say, "
    Hey write that down and sign it before I do something that makes you
    not think that anymore" then I call it a reference! 
    
    No, I don't think I put myself down, but I don't boast (much) either
    and never with a client, because if I once say I can do a job that
    I can't I would feel bad about it, and probably not et another job
    either.
    
    Andy.

    Re: .15 & .16

    I think the biggest battle in trying to improve our lives is seeing
    what the problems are.  We can wander around for years totally blind
    to the ditches we are digging for ourselves.  But once you discover
    the ditch (such as being mentally beaten down by someone else), all 
    you have to do is figure out how to fill it in!  That may seem hard 
    or even impossible, but at least you have some sense of positive 
    direction...which you didn't have when you didn't see the ditch at 
    all.  Not seeing it at all seems more like an impossible situation.

    If we allow ourselves to feel like less because of other people's
    opinions, we are, of course, valuing their opinions more than our 
    own.  Since what they have to say to us is only THEIR opinion and is 
    based on their own limited perceptions, we should be able to help 
    ourselves see that although we love them, they are not perfect at 
    perceiving and judging.  So, when they say something to us, we can 
    say to ourselves, "Hmmm, that's an interesting view and I'll think 
    about it, but I won't totally accept it as the correct judgement."  

    We all have a lot of wounds that can be reopened by particular people
    and events in our lives...but once we recognize the pattern and want
    to change it, we can choose to patiently retrain ourselves in those 
    areas.  A little time, a lot of love, and some patience for ourselves...
    and we'll get there.

    For what it's worth...

    Jerri    

    P.S.  I still have problems with my Mother judging me...but I'm much
    better able now to distinguish "her opinions" from reality.