Conference quark::human_relations-v1

    I love my Mother...I am/was not prepared for the responsibility
    of an elderly parent...and I resent the committment at times.
    
    But I have seen a transformation in my Mother that makes me proud
    of her.  She lives in congregate housing in Concord, tends to her
    needs well.  Two years ago she was little more than a vegetable,
    very confused and unable to make decisions.
    
    This has come about with the help of some fine social workers and
    excellent government programs.
    
    I am going to tack this reply up where I can read it when Mom asks
    me to go to the store for the third time in a week.  ;-)

    Friendly, warm loveful. We are close to both my husband's 
    and my parents. They are active, alert, busy people in their
    mid seventies. We feel blessed to be able to be their friends.

    My parents are the greatest in the whole world...no doubt.  We have
    a great relationship, full of trust and friendship.  We all three
    work at Digital and at times have to work very closely...problem
    free.  I don't think this would be possible if we did not have the
    kind of relationship that we do.
    
    Dad is still my hero and his hugs still make me feel like I was
    three years old and my mom is and will always be my "bud".  They
    also treat my husband just like he was their own son and this is
    also very important.
    
    What will I do when I am one day faced with having to live without
    them?
                                 Thanking God for both of them,
                                                         Sue

    You'll never really be without them!

    
    Unfortunately, my relationship with my parents is growing increasingly
    distant.  I do not particularly resent them for it, but my life
    experiences have left me with a set of values I know they find
    basically unacceptable, and I can feel the gap widening.  My father
    always understood me better than my mother, but now he and I seem
    to have as little to talk about.
    
    I don't see anything particularly hostile in this, which is good,
    but it is still something beyond the normal seperation of the child
    and the parents, and it seems a little sad, somehow.
    
    DFW

    Perhaps we see in each other the family flaws - perhaps we are
    too different.  We have gotten along much better since I moved
    a distance away.  We talk on the phone quite a bit, and visit
    sometimes.  But I would not say that our relationship is as
    warm and loving as some have described.  I admire many traits
    in both my parents, and have sworn to avoid many others.  They
    do not agree with many of my decisions and values.  Such is
    life.

I don't know how my parents put up with me during my black-sheep-of-the-
family years, but somehow they did and they still love me, and I still
love them. They bought a new motor home last year and they're off galavanting
around the country at will, with not a care in the world. I couldn't be
happier seeing them having such a swell time. I just hope Ma didn't get
crazy at the Mardi Gras again this year. And I hope Pa doesn't come
home with one of those funky haircuts like he did last year.

Bahama Kid

    
        My parents are unbelievable. Despite all of the disagreements,
    lack of understanding, distance between and complete difference
    of lifestyle  - in times of trouble they are always there being fully
    supportive and loving. I dont deserve them really. Despite all of
    the above negative instances I have enjoyed some of my life's best
    experiences with them.

        One day, I must make the effort to tell them.

    Steve
    

My relation with my parents is great.  In college (Syracuse U.), I always
looked forward to going home (Newton, Ma.) for vacation.

SO many other students said "yecch, vacation.  I love my parents, but
three days is about all we can take of each other".

I'm not sure what the difference between them and me was.  I just always
had a good time going home.  And all us four kids friends always said
my parents were great, and they love coming over.

And now ?  (I'm 34 now)  I still get along with them, and visit for
dinner about once every other week.  I don't feel intimate with them.
We just get along well.  Maybe that's why we always got along.
Maybe those students that DIDN'T get along with their parents were actually
more intimate with their parents than I was (and am) with mine ?

To Steve:  You said "one of these days I need to tell them I love them".

Steve, what are you waiting for ?  That's a serious question.  What are
you waiting for ?  I get tears just thinking about that.  What are we
all waiting for ?  If you love your parents, tell them.  Just tell them.

/Eric

    My mother and I have had very different adult lives so sometimes
    (often) it's very difficult for her to understand what's going on
    in my life.  But, she's changed her mind about some things she didn't
    understand 20 yrs. ago (like people living together unmarried, for
    example).  We have disagreements, but we get over them fast.  I
    know we love each other and it scares me to think she's 74 yrs.
    old now.  All my life she's always been there to talk to if I needed
    her (even though she didn't always understand).  The thought that
    someday I won't be able to pick up a phone and talk to her whenever
    I want really scares me.  Sometimes we have arguments, but basically
    I think we feel good about each other.
    
    My father died 10 years ago and I still miss him.  Sometimes more
    than others.  He was a very interesting person to know and talk
    to.  Although we fought terribly when I was a teenager (he thought
    I was too wild I guess), we later became very good friends.  What
    I miss the most about him is that I can never sit down and have
    a long conversation with him about life, politics, beliefs again.
    
    Lorna
     

    I would like to echo Lorna's comment on not knowing what
    I will do when I can no longer just call up my parents, 
    especially my mother and talk to them.  My grandmother turned
    100 this Christmas and up until two years ago I could call her
    and talk. Now her hearing is gonso badly that she can't
    understand me on the phone. I write to her but it isn't the same.
    Yet at least she is still there to write to, and that is far
    better than if she wasn't around at all. As my parents, in laws
    and grandmother keep getting older I know it is only a matter of
    time until one day they won't be ere to answer the phone.
    
    Bonnie

    My birth mother died when I was 8, my dad remarried.  It took a
    long time for me to quit resenting my stepmother but when 
    I *grew* up, I realized what a neat lady she is!!  We do alot of
    different things together, we call each other daily, share reactions
    during comercials on favorite television shows, and the family gets
    together every Sunday for dinner.  I love the lady, and the thought
    of her not being around would be devestating.
    My dad was an alcoholic for most of his life, and 3 years ago
    quit drinking.  Now, after all these years of having an abusive
    destructive obnoxious father, I have this gentle loving, funny man
    around.  I keep asking mom if he is "clone-dad" and where the heck
    is the obnoxious one.  It took a long time before I could hug him
    without flinching, but now hugs and kisses go round the family.
    I love him so much now, but sometimes if he takes a drink of wine
    I start to back up.  One day I told him that it scares me that the
    "old" dad would return.  He hugged me and said "never".
    
    Because our family is all in Colorado Springs, (with the exception
    of my trucker brother) all of us *kids* are very close to our parents.
    
    I know I would be lost without either one of them.

    vivian
    

    re .10, .11
    
        I said one day I should tell my parents how much I loved them.
    
        During a telephone conversation last night I talked to my mother
    about this  topic and related what I had said in the conference. I
    told her that I loved them both... she laughed and said that they had 
    both known that for years. As I am not one to show my feelings so
    openly I think she was somewhat surprised to hear me say it so directly
    but I feel it gave us both a great amount of pleasure.
    
        Steve
    

    My parents are divorced, and my mom lives with my half-sister (8
    years old).  She is a very lonely person, and feels pretty much
    like her life is miserable.  I call and visit, but she can be very
    depressing.
    
    My dad remarried and had custody of me and my brothers.  He also
    had a little girl after the divorce.  While my stepmother is a neat
    person, my dad is still overly quick to give me unwanted advice.
     While I call and visit that side of my family a lot too, I try
    not to tell him very much about my life as he is always sure to
    form an opinion and I will have to lsten to his advice on one topic
    for many years.  He has finally stopped razzing my SO of 5 years
    ago, is still writing nasty letters to the college I went to for
    the way they permit 18 year olds to select their own housing, and
    has now decided that I am unhealthily addicted to the Cambridge
    lifestyle and should leave _Newton_ (where I live.  not quite
    Cambridge, now, is it?), and move to Worcester.
    
    While I love both of my parents, I still find it difficult to spend
    large amounts of time with either of them.
    
    Lee

    
    	Hmmm.  Interesting topic.  
    
    		My mother and I have a wonderful relationship. 
    
    		However, my relationship with my father is another
    	story.  I moved away from home when I was 19 and went 1000
    	miles away just so he would quit trying to run my life.  It
    	didn't help!  He *still* tries to run my life!  I have found
    	the best way to deal with it is to be myself and let him know
    	that I live my life for me, not him.  He is slowly beginning
    	to realize that I'm not going to live my life the way he would
    	have me live it!  
    	
    		I don't spend much time with him (now that he is living
    	closer to me again!) and my mother says I'll regret it someday.
    	But I don't agree.  How can I regret not spending time with
    	someone I only argue with when we are together!??  I will probably
    	wish things had been different but they cannot be without his
    	cooperation as well as mine!
    
    		Myra
    

    Indeed, an interesting topic.
    
    I love my parents but find that getting along with them is not very
    easy.  I don't think my parents (particularly my mom) ever realized
    that her kids grew up and aren't kids anymore ... it gets annoying
    at times to be treated like an eight year old!  (When was the last
    time your mother told you what to wear to you'll be warm enough?)
    
    One thing that makes me respect my parents is that they were VERY
    unselfish with their five kids.  For a long time, they made sacrifices
    in their life in order to try and improve our lives (for example, they
    never took vacations so they could save for our college). Not
    necessarily the healthiest way to be, but pretty respectable none the
    less.  I don't think I would have done that (perhaps it's different
    when you're a parent, though).

�(When was the last time your mother told you what to wear to you'll be
�warm enough?)
    
    	Probably in about 30 minutes.. I'm heading off to Mom's now
    and she always tells me that.. I suspect I'll be telling my kids
    (whenever THAT happens.. :-)) the same thing.. What can I say, 
    we're Irish, we INVENTED worrying!!
    
    	Let'm worry.. It gives them something to look forward too..
    
    
    						mike
    

    Whaddya MEAN YOU invented Worrying!?

    

    
    
    	Ok, it's a toss up.. But have you ever seen an Irish mother
    and a Jewish mother get together? I know better, I stay clear..
    
    	BTW, Mom said I wasn't dressed warm enough.. I told you she'd
    say that.
    
    							mike

    
    
    Hello everyone,
    
    I just found this notesfile today...funny that this should be the
    note I was attracted to.  My relationship with my parents was
    difficult to say the least.  We were a family of 6; 4 kids - 3
    girls and 1 boy.  I was the third born.  It always felt to me that
    my mother just didn't love me.  She never seemed to have the time
    or the energy to pay any attention to me.  My father was an
    alcoholic - you know, the type that has a good heart when he's
    sober but turns into a raging maniac when he's drunk.  And of
    course he was always sorry for what he did.
    
    The environment was very depressive and isolating, and I've carried
    a lot of anger and resentment toward my parents for many years.
    Thank God that as we grow older and mature and experience our own
    humanness that we can come to realize that our parents were only
    human too.  I have been on the long road of learning to forgive
    my parents and myself, and to also allow myself to feel the anger
    that has been buried for so long and to let it out in constructive
    ways.  The young child that experienced all of that still exists
    within me, however, I can take her in my arms, tell her I love
    her and in the process help to heal the past.
    
    My parents passed to spirit 12 years ago, and in my heart we have
    had an on-going relationship in which we share the truth and learn
    to forgive.  Out of this process, what is coming up to the surface
    are the good times we shared that I was refusing to acknowledge.
    
    Carole
      

>> 
< Note 230.23 by AKOV68::FRETTS "are we there yet?" >

Boy can I relate to that note!!  My mom and dad were pretty much the same..
only my dad was a step and I was the oldest.. Instead of feeling unloved
and neglected because of being a middle child I felt that way because I was
used to ease Mom's burdens.  Always had the care of my younger brothers and
sister and never had any time to be a kid as I was too busy being Mom to 
so many siblings...  To this day any one of the kids will tell you who 
thier 'real' Mom is and it is me!

Mom lives off in New York now and my step dad has remarried and lives out
west somewhere..  I don't talk to him and he knows I won't until he can
look me in the face and tell me he has gotten his act together..  Mom 
hit the bottle after they broke up so now they both water their sorrows
in pretty much the same manner...  I have given up trying to understand
them and I really do work at forgiving them.. after all they must have
done *something* right as I turned out just fine! ;-)

Funny cuz for years I always talked about them so fondly and with such
warmth as I just did not want people to know how they really were..  I 
wanted so badly to have come from the "Father Knows Best" type of family
that I painted my world a rose color to make people think that is exactly
what we did all have.  It is only recently I will tell it like it really
was.. a world of confusion and fear and wondering what *I* could do to make
it better.. Like any kid that wants the perfect family, when it was not so
perfect I assumed it was me that was to blame.. 

Oh well...  all behind me now..  only thing left to do now is make sure
my kids get better!  

gailann

    My mother and I are extremely close.  However, I don't seem able
    to let her get as close to me now as I was when I was a child. 
    My parents divorced about 10 years ago.  I will never forgive my
    father for this.  I have not seen him in about 3 years, and hope
    he ends up in hell when he dies.  For this feeling, I will probably
    join him there.  Some justice, huh.
    
    

    Just as loving now as it was when I was growing up.
    
    My parents were divorced when I was 2, so I never really knew my 
    father.  This past year while living back in N.Y. I got to know 
    my father and our relationship, (while not as strong as mine with
    my mother) is very strong and loving.
    
    CC

    My parents are the best parents that anyone could ever ask for,
    and believe me I am proud to admit it.  My parents and I always
    had a very close relationship.  My mother is like a best freind
    to me, and she is always the first person and still is...that I
    tell my problems to. My father is always very understanding, and
    will still go out of his way for me. My parents are everything to
    me, they gave me everything possible,and I owe it all to them.
    
    Lets here for the inlaws too!!!!  I am very lucky that I married
    into a wonderful, close family.  My mother and father in -law are
    very warm, loving people and they treat me as one of their own.
    I am realize that I am very fortunate to have two wonderful families.

    I have just found this notesfile and feel I must add my bit.
    
    I was very lucky my parents stood by me - when I was a horrible
    person, I have grown up and realised now how lucky I have been.We
    are closer now than we have ever been, I try to see tham at least
    twice a week. I recently married a wonderful man with a faimly very
    much the same as my own, he loves his parents dearly, and like myself
    enjoying them as much as possible.  But, I feel his parents are
    over protective of him, they fuss and fumble - and now its over
    me as well.  I just cannot stand it, my parents encouraged me to
    be independant, if I have a headache I take tablet and get on with
    life.  My mother and father think my husband is great - they couldn't
    have picked a better choice themselves (so they say).  I'm pleased
    and they let us live our life together giving advice when asked,
    and keeping stum when not.  My husbands mother does not, she tells
    me how lucky I am to have married him, and that I should work very
    hard at making him happy.  O.K. I do want to make him happy, but
    its give and take.
    
    Any advice you can give me on how to be nice to my mother in law,
    so I don't end up telling her to mind her own business.  I will
    upset my husband if I do this, but visiting is becoming hard work.
    
    

    You could remind her that he's the one thats lucky and he wouldn't have
    married you if you didnt make him happy. 'And mom if YOU want to do
    something that you know makes him happy....feel free to.'
    Polite reminding that your happiness as a couple is your business as
    a couple and If your interested in any 'advise ' you'll be sure to 
    ask her.