Conference quark::human_relations-v1

    
    	Listen to the song "True Colors" - then blow them off...
    
    	No One deserves to be used and walked all over - even by complete
    
    	strangers - let alone "friends".
    
    
    	Joe Jas
    

    
    Call me dense, Gale, but I'm not quite sure what you're saying...
    
    Are these people only acknowledging your existence when they need
    something from you?  That's pretty nasty, but I wouldn't call them
    'fair weather friends.'  I'd call them leeches, particularly if
    they aren't willing to reciprocate at all.  Notice I did not say
    capable, I said willing.  We all run into situations where we would
    like to help but we can't.
    
    To me, 'fair weather friend' has always suggested a person who is
    willing to be with you as long as things are going well for you,
    but as soon as things get rocky they're gone with the morning breeze.
    This sort of person is just as contemptible.
    
    I understand your feeling very well.  This is a crossroad I have found
    myself at many times.  If one has something people want (some skill, a
    good ear, whatever) it is inevitable that you should confront this.
    While it seems very practical to simply suggest that you look out for
    yourself, it opens you up to the feeling that 'well, if you're going to
    blow them off, aren't you being a fair weather friend, too?
    
    Your note suggests to me that some recent event has brought these
    feelings to the surface.  If this is the case, I think you should
    take a little time to examine what has suddenly made you feel this
    way.  In either case, I think you ought to make your feeling known
    to these people.  If your friendship is worth salvaging, it should
    come out then.  Be prepared, however.  It may only make you more
    angry, and dropping them by the wayside and getting on with what
    you have to do may become necessary.
    
    DFW

    
    My husband is always getting on my case about letting *friends*
    walk all over me.  I happen to be one who always see's the good
    and avoids looking at the bad in people.
    I'm talking about friends who expect you to be there when they 
    need something, but where are they if you need them.
    One instance I'll remember always was with a friend I work with.
    It seem's she was always walking on me but when she ended up working
    for me it got out of hand.  Talk about taking advantage of someone.
    I'm sorry to say I could not resolve this problem (I tried talking
    to her about it, but it was to a deaf ear) and I had to end the
    friendship.  To this day we work together but we do not socialize
    outside of work.
    I hope you can resolve your problem without having to lose the
    friendships.  But keep in mind "Do you really want to consider 
    people like that your friends? In that case, who needs enemies."
    
    Good Luck... JoLynn  

    I wouldn't even consider calling these kind of people "friends".
    To me a friend is someone with whom I share a mutual respect and
    understanding. Someone who will be there for me in time of need,
    and who I will be there for when they need me. All others come
    under the classification of "acquaintances". 
    
    I also had been used and abused by so called "friends" in the past.
    But, this girl has learned a lot, and is quite selective when it
    comes to friendship. 
    
    In my case, I've found that my longest and most enduring friendships
    have been with men. I've found them more loyal and true than women.
    This could be because I had two brothers and no sisters, and so
    can relate better and share confidences with men easier than with
    women. Also found that men respect confidences, whereas some so-
    called woman friends had a tendancy to talk about confidences with
    others. I'm not saying all women are like this, just in my personal
    life I've found men to be my truest and dearest friends.
    
    kathie
          

	This is a tough thing.  I know I try very hard to give as much as I
receive from any friendship, but of course there are those who don't ( I tend
to think there's not too many though, as I've only known one like that ).


	It's funny, but I had a "friend" in high school exactly like that.  He
would call me only after exhausting all other possibilities.  I didn't know
this for awhile, and even when I did find out I still kept on with it.  My
problem is I like people a lot, and I find it difficult to break off any
type of friendship completely.  Eventually, though, I decided that I had wasted
enough time on this person, there were plenty of others out there more worthy
of my time, and stopped calling him.  That was years ago and I've never regret-
ted that decision.


	I can sympathize with how you're feeling, Gale; it's a rude awakening
to find out that someone you like and trust only considers you their "friend"
when no one else is around.  Ask yourself if you wish to have "friends" like
that.  Ralph Waldo Emerson wrote an excellent essay on friendship; you'd have
no trouble deciding after reading that!


	Good luck.


Brian

    Gale, it sounds like you're the real friend (i.e. "that I should
    be there for them") but are questioning them.  The ideal friend-
    ship should have no strings attached and should allow for the
    exchange of feelings like you have expressed.  Perhaps it is time
    to test the friendship(s) with such an exchange to see if (1) it
    is real and strong or (2) it is one-sided.  Do you really want to
    find out?
    
    Good luck with a tough issue.
    
    -John-

    On a scale of one to ten....
    
    
    Are they:
    
    	10	SO/Best Friend
    	 9      Close friend/Girl Friend/Boy Friend
         8      Good friend
         7      Talkable friend
         6      Friend
         5      "Hello" person
         4      Acquaintance
         3      Stranger
         2      Someone you don't like at all
	 1      Someone you hate

    As they go down the scale, they should pass the point where you
    might feel obligated to be nice to them.
    
    I like to assume everyone I meet is nice; I create a "reserve" of
    niceness for every new acquaintance.  Everytime that person does
    something "not-so-nice", they use up part of that reserve.  Once
    they use up that reserve I might still be nice to them but I don't
    feel guilty if I'm not.
    
    
    The Mad Chinaman
    

    Sometimes a word needs definition.  What is a friend and what are
    your expectations of a friendship?  

          I think I know what Gale  is  referring  to,  but  then
     maybe  I'm  wrong.   Haven't had a good guess lately so here
     goes.  It's kind of like when friends ask you out  to  share
     an evening you're always available or if not you reply "I'ld
     really love to but I've  got  to  go  visit  my  mother  (or
     something  to that effect).  When you have something special
     in mind and want company, you end up calling  all  over  and
     get  the  usual  "Sorry  kid,  I've got other plans for that
     evening."

          I may not be referring to the exact same situation, but
     a lot of feelings are based on how we interpret what someone
     says to us and how they say it.  When you start getting  too
     many  "Sorry  kid" answers from too many friends rather then
     "Really wish I could/  Gee  I'ld  love  to",  how  can  help
     interpret  it  as "TIME TO GET NEW FRIENDS" and kiss the old
     ones goodbye.

     Seems as of late, everyone is too busy.

     Waiting for the spring SUN,

     Lee

    Update:
    
    What I *really* meant was a boy/girl couple on the net that whenever
    they broke up, I am supposed to be around to talk to, to send 90
    mail messages an evening to, etc, but whenever they are back together,
    they can not answer a mail message I send to them. They break
    up again, and boom, I get a mail message from both of them, and
    I'm supposed to be readily available to go out with either of them,
    etc...
    
    What did I do?  I finally decided that *I* was being used... totally
    deleted them from my mail account, took their name off of my distribution
    list, and mailed them mail telling them what I did... not only did
    I do that to them, I also did it to several other *net* friends
    that I felt were using me...  The funny thing was not one responded
    to the mail I sent them... their life is going too well for them
    at the moment...  The real test (shock?) will come when I get a
    mail message from them, and I return it with a copy of the one I
    JUST sent them...
    
    Fair?  I really don't know, but I am getting tired of being a Dear
    Abby for someone who didn't really need a friend, they needed a
    pacifier.
    
    Gale
    
    (P.S.  Where in the HECK is that Spring Sun????????? :-).......)

    old saw: "Home is where, when you have to go there, they have
    to take you in."
    
     
    resharpened: "A friend is one, when you have to have someone to talk
    to, they have to listen."
          
    
    	Rick
    	Merrill
    

    re .12 That's not really an 'old saw' it is the heart of a poem
    by Rober Frost - The Death of the Hired Man :-)