Conference quark::human_relations-v1

    An acceptable "social life" is one that makes you happy.

    Well, I'll have to tell you what prompted me to add that note on
    NOTE FILE ADDICTION...
    
    If any of you noticed, the note was written around 7pm on friday
    evening.  I had plans to go skiing with a friend and we were supposed
    to leave early Saturday morning.  In order to load up on the carbs,
    he was making a big pot of spaghetti.
    
    I was pretty busy that day (and most of the week) and didn't get
    a chance to read any notes files (nope, not even the work-related
    ones) that week.  So, I logged on around 5pm, got caught up in them,
    and got a call around 7pm saying "where are you?  I thought we were
    eating at 6?".  Since I was planning on packing my things before
    I went to eat (since I don't function well late at night or early
    in the morning) by the time I got home, packed, and got over there,
    it was about 9pm.  All because I wanted to catch up on the HR notes
    file.

    Basically, I felt like my curiousity about reading about what other
    people felt about human interaction was preventing me from actually
    interacting with another human!
                                
    Social Life?
    
    I've got a great relationship with my family (there are seven children
    a few brothers-in-law, a sister-in-law, and ten neices and nephews)
    and although most of them are on the west coast, and I'm on the
    east coast, I've gotten back 3-4 times a year, and keep in close
    contact via Ma-Bell.  I've also got good friends, and friendly
    coworkers that I've met in my two years here.  I guess maybe after
    being in such a large family, I even enjoy just being by myself.
    And yes, I do enjoy reading these notes files.
    
    However, I have a really hard time accepting the fact that someone
    can consider contact with family and reading notes files a full
    social life.  I'm sure it is enough for some people, but I'd feel
    like I was missing something if I didn't occasionally really get
    to know someone new, see how they tick, and have some face-to-face
    contact.  Doing this via notes files reminds me of the little kid
    who learned how to read via 'SESAME STREET' instead of some personal
    contact with a caring adult.
    
    Peggy

I'll modify the definition in [.3] a bit: an acceptable social life is
one that does not make me unhappy.

I find it quite common to be not unhappy while, at the same time, not
being really happy either.  From one perspective, it's knowing there
is something missing and not being able to decide whether I care enough
to do anything about it.

	- Jerry

    
    This topic brings up a subject that has often been a source of
    bafflement for me.  In a nutshell, I can honestly say that between
    my family, i.e., mother, father, siblings, and my husband (who is
    absolutely my best friend) I don't need anyone else.  This has been
    a source of problems for me in the past.  I form associations, even
    friendships, with those around me who then *expect* some of my 
    spare time to pursue that friendship.  I've been called selfish
    and even snobby because my spare time is for family and spouse.
    There are no other people I'd rather be with or with whom I care
    to form close ties.  Yes, I've had both male and female friends
    but no one takes the place of family and my husband seems to fill
    the place of friends.  I've been told that this is a "warped" viewpoint
    but I'm happy.  I'd rather be with my husband than anyone else I
    know and until that changes, he is the person with whom I will
    spend the vast majority of my spare time. This is my "social life"
    if you will and I'm very happy with it.

    re .6
    
    Glad to know I'm not alone.  In high school, I had friends (but
    not the "joined at the hips" kind many other girls had).  In college,
    I had friends (but not the "who's house do we spend this weekend
    at" kind).  As an adult, my friends are really acquaintances.  
    
    I just prefer a smaller circle.  The extended family is about it
    for me.  BTW, this holds true for the rest of my family as well.
    None of us (two brothers, sister, mother) have lots of friends,
    maybe one who is "another brother/sister" to the rest of us.
    
    G

RE: .6, .7

So why are you reading HUMAN_RELATIONS if your family really satisfies you???

RE: .7

When someone meets you, and seems like they'd like to take the time to get
to know you (and your family) better, why don't you just tell them that you
"have no spare time for friends"?

Jim. :-[

    
    Come on, Jim - you and I both know that just because I prefer my
    family to others doesn't mean that I don't have to associate with
    people on a day to day basis, ergo my interest in this topic.  I
    do very much like people and am in my present job due to my abilities
    to please people and communicate effectively. Possibly you are one
    of those who would consider me selfish?  I still maintain that in
    my personal life my "friends" come in the form of family. 

    Re: .8
    
    Jim, do you really believe that a qualification for participating
    in this conference is being unhappy?
    
    Re: others
    
    I think it's a bit unhealthy to keep one's social life narrowed
    only to immediate family.  Friends at work or outside of work,
    outside interests, etc., allow you to grow in many ways.  Certainly
    your family can be your closest friends, but do allow some others
    into your life.
    					Steve

RE: .10

I don't think that being unhappy is a qualification for being in
HUMAN_RELATIONS.  I don't know where you got that idea...

RE: 'I'll stick with my family'

Yes, I suppose that I would think that you *are* being selfish if you limit
yourself to your family, and do not allow anyone else to be friends to the
point that they can 'demand' some of your time.

Jim.

    If your social life consists exclusively of your family, friends,
    and reading 'NOTES' files - what do you expect to do when your spouse
    passes away (divorce, death, etc) and the kids move on and make
    a life of their own.  There are a lot of lonely old people out there
    who never made any attempt at making friends beyond the family...
    ever heard of the 'empty nest syndrome'?
    
    I agree that members of my family are my closest friends, and will
    still be there long after all the others fade away.  But, I've kept
    in contact with four good friends from high school for almost ten
    years now (each of us lives in a different state - two are male
    and two are female) and two other good friends (one male, one female)
    whom I used to work with back west.  Although contact frequency 
    goes up and down, I feel especially close to all of them, and don't 
    see this ending...
    
    Peggy

    Having friends just in case your husband dies and the kids move
    away seems a pretty warped reson to me!  I too limit my social life
    to my SO and one or two others - period.  I've just never been a
    social butterfly and am perfectly content at home.  Should the 
    situation change, I would simply begin seeking friends.  Doesn't 
    that simply make sense?  Actually, knowing me, I'd just go back to my
    mega money-maker, bartending, where you can meet zillions of people
    if you want to.  I'm not going to 'string anyone along' just in case
    I ever need them.  What a misuse of friendship!  The last note said
    "There are a lot of lonely old people out there who never made any
    attempt at making friends beyond the family".  Does that suggest
    that you can only make friends at certain times in your life?  If
    I find myself a "lonely old person" I can certainly do something about
    it then, no?  Especially if there are a "lot" of others like me!
    Sounds like a piece o' quiche!  What's the worry?
    
    And I certainly don't note out of unhappiness but because I'm a closet 
    writer.  I love the written word and lively conversation and this
    gives me both.  I really have no desire to meet anyone, in fact the
    relative annonymity is part of the charm!  Were there an even more
    annonymous network, I'd prefer it!

I don't have friends just in case I need them some day... I need them everyday!
And I'd like to think that they need me...

Jim.

        I consider my social, family, and professional lives to be
    separate.  There are people who exist in more than one of the lives,
    but not too many.  I also have my private life which is time that
    I spend doing things which don't benefit any other portion of my
    life (ie Noting, television, reading).
    
        Right now most of my time is taken up by my family, professional
    and private lives.  I don't have much time for socializing.  I could
    sacrafice some of my private time for socializing, but I don't. I am
    trying to change to increase my social life, but the change is coming
    slowly.
    
                                                Tony Purmal

        RE: .12
        
        The reason that .10 thought that you might believe that you have
        to be unhappy to be in this conference is that you said, "So why
        are you reading HUMAN_RELATIONS if your family really satisfies
        you???" which seems to imply that either their family isn't
        human or that dissatisfaction with human relations is the only
        reason for being here. That's certainly the inference I drew
        from your comment.
        
        RE: .9
        
        You say that you believe that unhappiness is a qualification for
        membership in this conference and then go on to say that "Bored
        folks just _read_ this conference !!!". This seems to imply that
        the world is composed solely of the unhappy and the bored. I
        suspect that there are also the happy. 
        
        RE: the whole issue of happiness as a qualification
        
        Personally, I am quite happy with the world and with my human
        relations. As you may have noticed, I think that the world is
        basically a wonderful place, and enjoy people a lot. I have a
        marvelous family, some very dear loved ones and a bunch of
        friends. All-in-all, I suspect that the happiness leads as much
        to the good relationships as the other way around.
        
        Both happiness and sadness are positive feedback cycles. If you
        are happy you attract people and form lots of good relationships
        which help to make you happy. If you're always in a fould mood,
        people will tend to shy away from you, probably leaving you
        glum.
        
        RE: The actual issue of a social life.
        
        My family is a lot of my social life. Beyond that there's my
        weekly role-playing game, work, occasional group dinners, 3 or 4
        times a year a murder mystery game, a similar number of survival
        games, one friend I spend a lot of phone time with and another
        whom I interact mostly over the E-net with. In many ways it
        isn't a very large social life. I spend a fair amount of time
        with myself.
        
        I really like myself, my family and my friends. I'm happy to be
        with any of them, but driven to be with none, really. Time seems
        to pass quickly when you're having fun, and I find I have a
        tendancy to fall out of touch with people whom I still feel very
        close with. When things happen that we get back together I still
        feel just as close. 
        
        JimB.

    I think I may have phrased the original topic incorrectly.  Although
    I was interested in knowing the extent of other people's social
    interactions, I really was looking for some kind of indication of
    how much social "activity" goes on -- i.e. do you spend three, four
    nights a week involved with people outside your social circle. 
    Is there a lot of party time/going out time in your life?  I do
    have friends, but I *don't* spend oodles of time with them.  Most
    of our interactions are by phone/mail, and we're all busy with other
    parts of our lives.  On the other hand, I have acquaintances who
    spend at least three out of four weekends with several other couples.
    For me, this would be overkill.
    
    G

I keep pretty busy, both because I like to be with people, and because I
am interested in a lot of different things...

Obviously I can't do everything all the time, but there is allways something
going on.  I try not to plan anything for weekends...

A sample reminder calender follows:


*********************  REMINDERS  *********************

Course in Miracles                       7:30 Mon
Concord Contra Dance                     8 pm Mon
Nasoba Corale                            ? pm Mon
SCA                                      7 pm Tue
Cambridge Contra dance (Helen)           8 pm Tue
Ballet class                           6-7:30 Wed
Cambridge Yoga                           6 pm Wed
TRAVELLER                                6 pm Thu
Bible                                    8 pm Thu 1/2
Family Tree night                        6:30 Fri
Twig meetings                            8 pm Fri

Family Tree night                        6:30 Jan    30
Family Tree Rocky Horror Picture Show   11:30 Jan    31
VMS System management course                * Feb   2-6

    Definition (mine) - social life - all time spent interacting with
    other{people, excluding business.
    
    "Acceptable" social life - when the greater part of social life
    is positive, enhancing ones' life.

    Most of my social life is with my family. On my mothers side I have
    22 aunts and uncles, and 65+ first cousins. Believe me there is
    no chance of running out of friends.  I only socialize with 6 or
    8 regularly. There are large family get togethers frequently throughout
    the year, mostly in the summer.  I happen to belong to a very close
    and supportive family. I have had many friends over the years, but
    none can compare to my family.  My parents are both deceased, I
    am divorced, and my children are grown, but I don't have empty nest
    syndrome because of my family.  
    
    I interact with people at work and in the community in which I live,
    but when I want to socialize, I look to the family.  They have never
    let me down in the 40+ years that I have been on earth and I don't
    expect them to now. My sister is my best friend. I have never been
    betrayed by my family, I can't say that about some non family friends.