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| Title: | What's all this fuss about 'sax and violins'? |
| Notice: | Archived V1 - Current conference is QUARK::HUMAN_RELATIONS |
| Moderator: | ELESYS::JASNIEWSKI |
|
| Created: | Fri May 09 1986 |
| Last Modified: | Wed Jun 26 1996 |
| Last Successful Update: | Fri Jun 06 1997 |
| Number of topics: | 1327 |
| Total number of notes: | 28298 |
194.0. "Pinch - Crunch" by RDGENG::MACKAY (Kit Kye) Fri Jan 23 1987 23:01
I shall let the following text speak for itself - it is a precis of
something I read recently.
How Does A Relationship Work And What Happens When It Goes Wrong?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The flow-chart (at the end of this text) is looking at the
relationship of a couple asking to marry (but it can apply to a lot of
other personal relationships). It begins with their meeting and looks
at their interaction which has brought them to their present stage of
commitment.
The relationship is described by the following consecutive steps:
1. A couple with different backgrounds and different personalities
meet. Each carries with them a set of abilities and a jumble of
unsorted past experiences and emotions - these may not be
obvious - indeed, might even be concealed.
2. The couple find out things about each other. The discover the
kind of behaviour that the other takes for granted, they see
whether their assumptions coincide to a greater or lessor
degree.
3. If they wish they enter into a relationship, working out what
they may expect of each other, what each is willing to do for
the other. they undertake to fulfil these expectations - they
have a common purpose.
4. They may now wish to enter into a period where they actually
fulfil the other's expectations - everything seems fine.
5. A period of stability is followed by a Pinch - one feels
unhappy, annoyed, depressed, or feels some strong emotion
that forcibly shows that something is going wrong in the
relationship - the other partner cannot see what all the fuss is
about.
6. Three outcomes are possible (is described by the ``Pinch''
chart) - ``the Pinched one'' may :
a. ignore, pretend everything is fine - so they return to
stability - but for how long?
b. voice a recognition that things are not working out from
their point of view and then :
* either not being able to talk about it, chooses
to manoeuvre things in a roundabout way to
renegotiate the problem indirectly,
* or settles down with the other to openly talk
over it and then search for a remedy.
The last two methods carry the risk of breaking the relationship
- but Pinches properly negotiated are growing points - their
successful resolution strengthens the relationship.
7. If Pinches are ignored, they never go away - so both enter into
a state of increasing unhappiness:
What on earth are you playing at?
What do you want from me?
I can't forgive and forget?
So along comes a CRUNCH! Each blames the other and causes the
other unhappiness:
* He comes home late because she nags while she nags
because he comes home late.
* She is unfaithful because he drinks while he drinks
because she is unfaithful.
8. A crunch has four outcomes (and is is described by the
``Crunch'' chart) :
* starting again without facing up to the underlying
problem and ... so there they go again.
* Unresolved they head for the divorce courts with great
bitterness
* they stay together (for the children's sake, to avoid
hurting mum and dad ...) but the relationship is
emotionally dead
* they go through a painful, honest and time consuming
renegotiation, taking in skilled help because they need
it.
Conclusions:
~~~~~~~~~~~~
* Pinches are inevitable - Crunches are not.
* An objective in the relationship is to maintain ``stability''
with each partner in the relationship fulfilling their own needs
and expectations.
* Satisfactory exit from a ``Pinch'' or ``Crunch'' requires both
partners to recognise that the relationship has entered into
that state and that they both want to move back into stability.
* Compromising is acceptable - just giving in / way leaves the
problem unresolved. Negotiating an acceptable solution for both
parties is an important aspect. This is done by each showing a
measure of respect for the others position and opinion.
* Changing your mind in the light of the current knowledge of
recent successes or failures is acceptable.
* There are either two winners or two losers - never a winner and
a loser.
* Being able to return to stability is a sign of continuing
growth, development and strengthening of the relationship.
*********
* *
* Pinch *
* *
*********
J ----- Assumptions ----- J
u | | Needs | | u
m | HIM +-- Fears --+ HER | m
b | | | Talents | | | b
l ----- | | ----- l
e | | e
+--v--------------------v--+
| Sharing information |
| Negotiating expectations <---<--
+------------+-------------+ |
| |
+--------v---------+ |
| Clarifying roles | |
| COMMITMENT | |
+--------+---------+ Renegotiate
| directly
+------v------+ or
-->--------> "Stability" | indirectly
| +------+------+ |
Ignore | |
| -----------v----------- |
| | PINCH | |
| | Choice point | |
--<---+ (experienced by one) +----->--
| HIM or HER |
-----------+-----------
**********
* *
* Crunch *
* *
**********
J ----- Assumptions ----- J
u | | Needs | | u
m | HIM +-- Fears --+ HER | m
b | | | Talents | | | b
l ----- | | ----- l
e | | e
+--v--------------------v--+
Breaking off | Sharing information |
<---------------+ Negotiating expectations <---<--+------<---
+------------+-------------+ | |
| | |
+--------v---------+ | |
----->--------> Clarifying roles | | |
| | COMMITMENT | | |
Return to +--------+---------+ Renegotiate |
original | directly |
commitment +------v------+ or |
| -->--------> "Stability" | indirectly |
| | +------+------+ | |
| Ignore | | |
| | -----------v----------- | |
| | | PINCH | | |
| | | Choice point | | |
| --<---+ (experienced by one) +----->-- |
| | HIM or HER | |
| -----------+----------- |
| | |
| Ambiguity - Uncertainty |
| Resentment - Anger |
| | |
| -----------v----------- |
| | <--------------- | |
-----<-----+ CRUNCH | |
| Choice point | |
Resentful Divorce <----+ (experienced by one) +--------------->---
| |
Emotional <------------+ HIM or HER |
Disengagement | ----------------> |
-----------------------
| T.R | Title | User | Personal
Name | Date | Lines |
|---|
| 194.1 | Very good in practice and theory... | CAMLOT::DAVIS | Eat dessert first;life is uncertain. | Sat Jan 24 1987 09:26 | 16 |
| This pinch/crunch theory is also taught in management schools...
it can apply to any human relation...parent/child...supervisor/
employee...you name it!
The whole "One Minute Manager/Parent/Sales Representative/etc."
series is based on the theory that you don't let something
go... you nip it in the bud or it only festers... I appreciate
immediate feedback (good/bad) from my manager and try to apply it
in my other human relationships...
In the bottom of the flowchart you could just as well substitute
"resentful resignation" for "resentful divorce"...
grins,
Marge
|