Conference quark::human_relations-v1

    Re .0
    
    "Chemistry" is composed of many things.  Scientific fact reveals
    that every human being has an individual, distinctive body chemistry.
     This particular type of chemistry is usually hidden from human
    consciousness, with the only awareness being unveiled to one's
    subconscious mind.  However, because the subconscious mind feeds
    on re-inforced beliefs (whether right or wrong), you should use
    every caution when relating what you think you beleive to actual
    (factual) reality.  "Body Chemistry" relates to body movement. 
    Have you ever studied "body language"?  If you were to have a
    conversation with someone, you could tell whether or not they were
    receptive to you by the way the held their body.  For example, if
    the other person is sitting and places his/her hands on their knees
    and leans forward while you are speaking, then that person is receptive
    to what you are saying and listening closely (whether they agree
    with you or not).  However, if that person crosses their arms and
    legs, they are in a defensive position and either doesn't agree
    with you, or is bored and doesn't care about what you are saying.
    
    Chemistry in the sense of "the chemistry just wasn't there', relates
    to both physical attraction and similar interests, with emphasis
    on similar interests, since you rarely hear soemone saying that
    "the chemistry wasn't there" unless they have already made an effort
    to get to know that person better.  By this time, they have already
    accepted the person's physical attractiveness to be satisfactory
    to their own standards.
    
    As far as "changing this complex factor in relationships", you should
    not attempt to !!  Changing this factor is like trying to change
    the other person.  Changing a person usually means that you want
    that person to become more like yourself, to like the things you
    like, think the way you think, etc.  You would have to change the
    attitudes that have been instilled into that person from their
    childhood.  I can change myself, but I "must want to change" and
    I must work to change.  Trying to change another person's perspectives
    is a waste of time and energy.  In relationships, either accept
    the person for what they are and compromise on the things you disagree
    with, or forget the person and look for someone else that is more
    "compatible".
    
    						- Darrell -
                                                                     

    To me, "chemistry" is a convenient word for a bunch of unrelated
    factors that one cannot pin down.  It may just be bad luck in timing
    in many cases.
    			Steve

    Until the last year, I wouldn't have had much of an opinion on this
    topic.  However, I'm starting to believe more and more that there
    is some "chemistry" that occurs between people.  I've always had
    some things in common / others no so similar with most of the men
    that I've met.  I've got my "mental list" of things that I like/dislike
    and it has always tended to come very close to how I eventually felt
    about the other person.
    
    Recently, I met two men who affected me very opposite.  The first
    met maybe 30% or less of the qualifications of my "mental list".
    There was nothing dramatic about his looks or personality that should
    cause my reactions, but I was 'drawn' to him for some unknown reason.
    I enjoy being in his company and feel nice to be near him. I find I am 
    even willing to more openly accept opinions that he has, which may
    be contrary to my own, more than I might from someone else.  
    
    The second man met about 95% of my "mental list".  In addition,
    he was nice looking, and very considerate.  However, although I
    enjoy spending time with him, I tend to filter things that he
    says, and avoid any sort of physical contact (even small touchs
    which might occur when we sit next to each other in a theater).
    
    I can't really explain either of these - since such attraction and 
    resistance has never happened to this degree with me before.
    
    Could_it_be_the_chemistry?
    
    Peggy

Chemistry: I know it's important yet it hurts too.

When I have broken off a relationship because of a lack of 
chemistry, it seems like an ok term.  I know that something 
meaningful and important is missing.

But when that same reason is given to me by a woman that I care for,
it really hurts -- maybe more than any other reason.  Somehow I want
to know what could be done to fix the relationship, or even myself;
and "missing chemistry" leaves no answer.

Yet if that reason is not fair to get, then it's not fair to give.

Is "the chemistry's not right" a cop-out for something more tangable?
Or is it really an honest answer in itself?

	~Mike~

    For me, I feel that 'Chemistry' is an attraction based on physical
    appearance and intuitive factors that I pick up about the other person.
    If I were to break it down into elements, I think that it might be a
    combination of their physical appearance, Ego, emotional nature,
    their styles of giving love, of accepting love, and their style
    of physical action.
    
    For me, if the chemistry is wrong, I won't try to make any major
    changes in myself to try to coerce a relationship work.  To keep
    perspective, I try to remember that is only an attraction, and there
    are plenty of other potential candidates about.  There's certainly
    someone out there for whom my chemistry is a better match. And, if that
    thought doesn't snap me out, then the pain of thinking about being
    persued by somebody with 'the wrong chemistry' usually does. 
    
    For me, negative chemistry (from their point of view) seems to manifest
    in things not going smoothly and easily.  And, if these signals are
    ignored ('cause the head's not thinking clearly) then they tend to get
    stronger until the person says something like 'excuse me, but I don't
    like you a-tall and would greatly appreciate it if you'd be kind enough
    to get your weenie a** out of my life'. 

    Dave

        I, too, feel that chemistry is many factors. I wouldn't say that
        for me common interests are that important an ingrediant. Much
        more important is attitude or mind-set. If the chemistry is
        right you (or at least I) enjoy doing things together even if it
        is something that interests them but not you. 
        
        The aspects of mind set that are important to me are things like
        optimism, cheerfulness, zest, curiosity, conviction, passion,
        playfulness, determination, thoughtfulness, insight, strength of
        will, openness, generosity, sensitivity, trust and courage.
        These are basically the things I value in myself, even though I
        might very well not always exhibit them. Perhaps then chemistry
        is recognizing a kindred spirit, someone who was or values the
        qualities that we have or wish to have.
        
        If that is the case, then the only way you can change the
        chemistry is to change yourself. If you become more like the
        people you are attracted to they are more likely to recognize
        the chemistry in you. If you are attracted to the people with
        whom you share values, then becoming like them is living up to
        your own values, isn't it? Thus, I would say you can only
        improve this aspect of chemistry is to be true to your ideals.
        
        JimB.

    Chemistry is a sub-conscious feeling that the two of you are cut from 
    the same cloth and it doesn't only apply to romantic relationships,
    either.  We've all met people we like instantly and people we dislike 
    instantly and it's all what we've come to call chemistry.  I don't
    think it has anything to do with our actual chemical compositions but 
    much more to do with body language.  Subtle facial movements, the way 
    someone walks, how the eyes move when they are talking to you - we 
    respond to all these things without even knowing it, (read a Desmond 
    Morris book to delve into this subject completely), and we make 
    judgements about the person sometimes contrary to what they are
    actually saying or doing.
    
    Can you or should you try and 'alter' this factor?  You can't. 
    Ever meet anyone you felt was a 'phony'?  That's someone who is
    trying to do that.  You don't know why you think they're phony but
    your subconcsious knows that the body language is not this person's
    own. 
    
    I can easily avoid a dangerous person or a loser with great chemistry 
    for me but I feel I would be doing myself a great disservice to try
    and force a relationship with a 'good' guy if the chemistry wasn't
    there.  I have no qualms about admitting it either, no pain when
    it's admitted to me and don't see why anyone should.  It's something 
    we have absolutely no control over and therefore are blameless if we just
    don't 'click' with someone!  And because the right chemistry is
    just so good, why settle for less?
    
    So chemistry has and always will be filter #1 for me in romantic
    relationships because I have learned to trust my instincts and I know 
    I am safe from letting chemistry rule me beyond reason.
    
    "I like-a-way you walk, Suzy Q"!!