Conference quark::human_relations-v1

    
    A very thought provolking topic, Pat!!  For me, personally, it is
    one I have thought about many times over the years and even more
    since my marriage ended in the hope of preventing the same "drifting
    apart" syndrome from happening again in some future relationship.
    
    I, personally, feel that for a relationship to survive the test
    of time, both people in the relationship need to be "independent"
    and "choose" to "give of themselves"  rather than "needing" each
    other.
    
    Given that the above is the case, when either comes to some crossroad
    in their lives, they can evaluate the various options they have
    for changing in terms of what is/isn't acceptable to them personally.
    I find this most often leaves more than one possiblility for how
    to change.  The next criteria I believe to be applied is what the
    impact of each of the remaining options has on the relationship,
    and then choose the personally acceptable option that has the least
    negative effect on the relationship.  (This evaluation of the impact
    on your "SO" can be clearer if it is possible to discuss it with
    him/her.)
    
    For this approach to work, both people in the relationship need
    to apply it.  Just one evaluating personal changes in light of their
    effect on the relationship doesn't work, as life has taught me
    (the hard way).  It still takes "Two to Tango!!"
    
    					Joe

    
    If you can talk about everything and anything with your partner,
    without causing an arguement, than it will probably survive. 
    I feel comunication is the most important aspect.  If you feel there
    is something wrong with your mate, you should be able to come out
    and say it ... wether or not it will hurt them.  By keeping in your
    feelings and problems you will grow apart from the other person.
    The only way is to take the chance and say whats on your mind, be
    blunt and honest, if you do then your partner will probably tell
    you whats wrong with you, once these things are out then you can
    both work on correcting them.
    
    Paul

    
    This has some connection with .1, it takes two to tango.  I have
    recently realized that there are some people who are really not
    *interested* in having a relationship last a lifetime - even if
    it is happy.  There are some people who actually *like* the idea
    of a long string of short term relationships.  These people will
    never *work* at making a relationship last since they don't care
    if it does.  Once the "honeymoon" phase of the relationship is over
    these people would rather be on there own until the next "honeymoon"
    comes along than put any effort into making the current relationship
    work.  Unfortunately, if you ever find yourself involved with people
    who feel this way there is nothing one person can do to make the
    relationship last over time.  I had never realized until recently
    that there are people who actually don't *want* love to last forever.
     I guess I figured there were "died in the wool bachelors" (both
    male and female) and then there were people who wanted relationships.
     I didn't realize there were people who are not interested in lifetime
    commitments, but who do enjoy falling in love and hanging out until
    the initial thrill wears off.  I'm not suggesting people who are
    miserable together, feeling trapped and stuck, should remain together
    (far from it).  But, I thought most people wanted relationships
    to last until they did get actually miserable, but some people seem
    to be incapable of staying in love for any length of time at all,
    yet they keep falling in love - with different people.  For those
    who are really look for a long term meaningful relationship it can
    be dangerous to fall for these people.
    
    On the other hand, when I was married, I started out madly in love
    and by the time 7 years rolled by I had no interest in him at all.
     I don't know how to prevent that type of gradual growing apart
    even though you both want a long term relationship you just don't
    cut it for each other anymore.  We stuck around until it got really
    miserable, both apparently unwilling to admit we'd gotten sick of
    each other.
    
    Lorna
    

    Communication is a very important aspect of the relationship and
    its survival.  Yet, the people I know with the "successful, longterm" 
    relationships have made it a priority to be *involved* in each others 
    life.  This is not saying they have given up their independence, but 
    they have found areas in which they both share common fulfillment...other
    than in the bedroom.  It is through these bonds which enable a couple 
    to "grow" in the same direction.  Thus, it is important not to separate
    your "life" from your "relationship."

    
    John N

    I'm not sure one can direct the growth to be more compatible rather
    than less.  I think it's luck and I base that on my marriage.  Looking
    back I can understand why my parents tried to talk me out of marriage.
    I was just too young and was still growing emotionally.  I've changed
    a lot in our 9 years of marriage and I think it's lucky for me that
    my husband still loves the woman I've grown into.  I don't feel
    he's changed a lot as he's 8 years older than I and was pretty much
    "set in his ways" by the time we married.
    
    There's been mention in  several notes that communication is important
    and that you should be able to be totally honest in telling your��
    mate,SO or whatever if you don't  like something about him/her without
    it hurting  their feeling.  I agree communication is very important.
    I also agree to telling  your mate if something bothers you, but
    it's *how* you say it that counts.  But more important in my opinion
    is respect.  I respect Art and I admire him (and, of course, love
    him).  I feel he feels the same of me.  Because I respect him it's
    easy for me to be considerate, to talk to him openly, and treat
    him kindly.  This is *not* to say we haven't had our tests and trials,
    but even those helped us grow together instead of apart.  
    
    I hope I conveyed at least part of what I was thinking.  I think
    I've proven to myself that I can think faster than I can type  :-)

    I think there are three main ingredients to success.
    
    1 Communication.
    2 Ability to accept short commings.
    3 Desire to make it work, by both parties.
    

re .6:

> 1 Communication.
> 2 Ability to accept short commings.
> 3 Desire to make it work, by both parties.

Gee, that sounds like three things my former marriage was lacking.
I agree with most of what's been said so far, especially about communication.

re talking about "shortcomings":

My fiance and I had a discussion about this the other night, after I suffered a
bout of "impatience" at the mall (can you blame me? :-)).  We decided that when
we discovered "problems", we should (together) come up with ways to avoid the
problem occurring, or, if it's already occurred, dealing with the occurrence or
stopping it, from both of our viewpoints (e.g. I should realize my impatience
and calm down, and he should not let my impatience bother him).  This way we
turn the criticism into something constructive for both of us.

Sure hope it works when we get down to doing it. :-)

Jill

    re .7 
    Jill I bet the one place where people lose patience more than anywhere
    else is in lines at stores, etc....
    
    when i approach what seems to be an endless line i do a coupla things.
    
    I get my money out in the approximate amount to pay for purchase.
    I arrange the things in a way they can safely be bagged i.e. eggs
    last so they sit on top....
    I always smile and have a good word for the clerk since if they like
    me a little they will deliver better service....besides it never
    hurts to be curteous to someone that deals with a bunch of surly
    John/Jane Q. Publiks all day....for minimum wage no less.
    I was a salesman at Sears for a long time and I found that about
    1 out of every 100 people act nicely to clerks and that 1 got the
    best i had to offer.
    
    And above all I don't dawdle, agrieve the cashier, or find ways
    to take any extra time at the head of the line with the philosophy
    of "well I had to wait so now I'm gonna take my sweet time"
    People all over the world could take lessons from New Yorkers.
    They have to wait in line for everything. So they are all masters
    at it.
    Nowhere but in New York do the lines move so fast with the least
    amount of hassle. 
    It takes one spec of consideration for the folks behind you to make
    it work.
    
    

    
    An additional way to make a relationship work is to make it fun.
    Do things to show your appreciation of him/her, ie. love notes,
    little gifts, or other ways that you can be considerate and loving.
    Take the work out of 'working at a relationship' by remembering
    to take the time to show love and affection.  I know this approach
    works on me.
    
    Janice B.