Conference quark::human_relations-v1

    I'll start it off with a few items of my own.
    
    I had a major relationship end and I think that the biggest problem
    was A FAILURE TO COMMUNICATE.  Keeping the lines of communication
    open is one of the "secrets" which everyone should remember.  I'm
    not talking about just "talking" at each other, but active listening.
    Sometimes what is "spoken" is not what is really being said.  Put
    your SOs shoes on and walk in them, practice empathy, listen DEEPLY!
    
    On the other hand, I've had several really special friendships over
    the years, and one of the positive characteristics which comes to
    mind is the JOY of spending time with someone special, not necessarily
    doing anything fancy, but just being with them chatting, or just
    sitting silently.  Sharing time with them is reward enough.  I'm
    not doing a very good job putting what I mean into words, but perhaps
    you get the idea.
    
    Steve

    While a small amount of this may work, it seems to me very risky to build
    a relationship based on the notion that strengths in the other person
    compensate for weaknesses in myself.  There are two major problems.
    First, I am less likely to develop my areas of weakness in this
    kind of situation.  Second, if things go poorly, then I am very
    poorly defended in the area of my weakness.

    
    The communication problem is one I encounter constantly, that is
    to say, my communication to the other person.  For some unknown
    reason, I am very difficult to read.  To put it another way, people
    have a very difficult time understanding where I'm at unless I say
    it very explicitly, and I tend to trip over my tounge a lot.
    
    My father can read me, and we get along very well.  My mother cannot,
    and we fight a lot.
    
    I don't want to sound like I'm whining here.  I realize the problem
    is almost certainly me.  Haven't found a suitable solution yet.
    
    DFW

    
    Things to avoid:
    
    	The number one item to avoid while trying to start a new
    relationship is telling that person all the heart wrenching details
    of your past break up.  The old break up may be painful to you
    and you might want to talk about it, but discuss it with friends
    not new potential romantic prospects.  After you establish a new
    relationship you can bring up 'old flames' but it will really poison
    things in the beginning.
    	You should avoid at all costs comparing present SO's with those
    from the past.  Do not say things like 'Laura would have done this
    for me'.  Each person is different and wants to be judged on their own
    merits, not how they stack up against past lovers.
  	It is tough to list positive items without reading like a Dear
    Abby column.  Be honest and willing to compromise.  
    						=Ralph=

    
       I've had some practice!
    
    Before I began my new life alone I made up a list of all the things
    I wanted in a ,as you say, SO. Lost the list!
    
    But the first thing is communication! My wife when I first met her
    was very quiet, and insecure. She was treated like a little girl
    who had no brains. Even her family didn't have much respect for
    her.  Big family where the male was the ultimate!
    
    She's my very best friend, and was way before I found out I loved
    her. I listen a lot to her, sometimes interject some advice, but
    listen.
     I respect her judgements and tell her so.
    I'm honest and open.." Ask me no questions, I'll tell you no lies"!
    We share...as much as possible, experiences, work, feelings, ambitions.
    . 
    My Friend, the one I laugh with, live for, dream with, Love!
    
    And it's been great!
    
    Cal.
    

    I can tell you one thing that I've learned since my separation,
    and that's "appreciate the differences."  My husband and I are
    very different in many ways, our viewpoints, our hobbies, the
    ways we want to enjoy life.  It's very hard sometimes not to
    fall prey to "my way is right and yours is wrong."  What we've
    tried to do is to cultivate interests we both can enjoy, while
    providing time for each to work on things we enjoy separately.
    It's been difficult at times, but the results have been worth
    it!! We're much closer now, and I can appreciate
    his viewpoints and ideas without condemning them (or necessarily
    agreeing with them all the time).               
    
    Mary-Michael

         What I was soliciting in the base note were items like
         the following.  These were hastily scribbled down from
         a live broadcast - I think I got the gist of them.  Enjoy!
         
         
         Rules (or 10 commandments) of a Super Marriage
         
         1.  Trust and respect each other. 

         2.  Sustain your commitment.
         
         3.  Be friends and lovers.
         
         4.  Strive for mature intimacy.
         
         5.  Talk and share continuously.
         
         6.  Never lose your sense of humor.
         
         7.  Grow together and not apart.
         
         8.  Be flexible and be tolerant.
         
         9.  Be selfless, not selfish.  Give 60%, expect 40%.
         
         10. Negotiate and comprise.
         
         From TALKNET radio, Dr. Harvey Rubin.