| T.R | Title | User | Personal
Name | Date | Lines |
|---|
| 116.1 | Sometimes being honest really hurts...... | MTV::FOLEY | Boom shacka-lacka | Mon Oct 27 1986 07:54 | 20 |
|
I think I cut the same class.. :-)
Breaking up a relationship has to be one of the hardest things
to do. I mean, how do you say to someone you really care about and
perhaps love dearly that you don't want to be with them anymore?
It's a terrible feeling of rejection and loneliness to have to
deal with. You don't want to hurt them but you also don't want to
hurt yourself anymore. You see ahead of what is happening and know
in your heart and soul that it won't work.
I don't envy anyone in that situation. I hate being in it myself.
I have lots of trouble dealing with it but when push comes to
shove I just say what I *really* feel and hope that someday the
other person will understand. Sometimes it works and sometimes it
doesn't. That's the risk you have to take in order to be human.
mike
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| 116.2 | Solution Unknown | AIMHI::HEBERT | | Mon Oct 27 1986 08:25 | 12 |
| Well I think it's better to be honest with someone than be a "cold"
hearted fool that will play emotional "head games" with you! There
is no real solution for this problem other than to stop beating
around the bush and making each other miserable.
Sure it's not easy (for anyone) but you'll eventually learn to deal
with what is best for you and continue with your life. Just because
you say "good-bye" to someone doesn't mean you can't remain friends.
Although, I realize in some cases that may be impossible but you
just have to make the best of it.
If life was a bowl of peaches, boy it would be so boring!!!
|
| 116.3 | "honesty is the BEST policy" | PULSAR::CFIELD | | Mon Oct 27 1986 09:05 | 9 |
| Ending a relationship can be a very hurting, sometimes traumatic
experience, depending on the degree of the relationship. I feel
that honesty is the only way to deal with a situation such as this.
Time has a way of healing all things and "pretending that you would
keep in touch, knowing in your heart that what you really meant
was goodby" is only creating expectations that will never come to
pass. Isn't it better either to end it once and for all or maybe
even depart as friends?
|
| 116.4 | Cultural Basis, I think | MINAR::BISHOP | | Mon Oct 27 1986 09:42 | 19 |
| This may be (note "MAY") an American problem: two experiences I
had while in high school seem to imply this.
I went to Austria with the Experiment in International Living (you
live with a local family, then travel around a bit with the other
ten or so Americans in the program). At the end of the summer,
people exchanged addresses. I wrote one letter to one of the other
Americans. I got none back. Typical, no?
I also, at another time, went to Germany with an English program
which was almost identical. At the end, everyone said "good-bye".
No exchange of addresses.
Maybe most Americans can't be happy with the idea that a good time
is over? Maybe they don't distinguish between close friendships
which will last and companionships due to proximity which will not,
and try to turn the many companionships one has into close friendships?
-John Bishop
|
| 116.6 | Gone, but not forgotten | HOMBRE::CONLIFFE | Boston in 89!! | Mon Oct 27 1986 10:34 | 17 |
| Story 1:
When a cat first meets you (and wants to be friends), it makes a tremendous
fuss of you.. it purrs and rubs against you, and offers itself for stroking
and generally occupies all your attention.
When a cat leaves you, it walks away. No fuss, just an exit.
Story 2:
If you've ever taken off a large Band-aid (American for Elastoplast), you
know that you can either yank it off in one mighty "OUCH!" or tug away
slowly in a series of little "ouches".
Opinion:
As you might gather, I prefer just walking away (or being walked away from)
when a relationship is over. I've experienced both possibilities from both
sides, and my experience is that it hurts less in the long run just to leave.
Nigel
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| 116.7 | if ya gotta do it, do it with some honesty! | REGENT::KIMBROUGH | gailann, maynard, ma... | Mon Oct 27 1986 11:21 | 22 |
|
Like .6 I think the most humane way to handle the break-up of a
relationship is to walk away and get it over with.. but I also
think there is a certain amount of tact called for in which you
display a fair amount of honesty and express the finality of it
all so as not to leave the other party hanging...
Even when we know it is for the best it is not easy... I think
it fair to tell it like it is though and not drag out a person's
hopes for a reconcile. The most devastating ill, I think, is to
be lied to... don't tell a person that you are leaving them because
you need your space, don't have a formula for your life, have the
need to have some personal time, etc etc... when the truth is you
plan on running right into someone else's arms.. if that is the
truth than tell it that way.. after the initial shock is over the
truth is much easier to deal with then a lie.. a lie grows and
festers and gets uglier when the truth does not.
later, gailann
|
| 116.8 | a few thoughts | STUBBI::B_REINKE | | Mon Oct 27 1986 12:09 | 19 |
| Before I met my husband I experienced a couple of love affairs where
my (ex) partner just walked out and didn't let me know things were
over. (I figured it out when expected calls and letters didn't come.)
I don't know if I could have taken things any better if I had been
*told* in so many words that it was over, but I *think* I would
have.
When my oldest son had his first romance last year I did tell him
that I felt that endings were an important part of a relationship,
and that when and if it got to that point he should be sure to tell
the girl what he was thinking. As a result he did tell her that
he wanted to stop dating and "just be friends". Unfortunately she
took this to mean it wasn't really over.
I can understand a little better now why people find it easier to
just walk. But I still think it is kinder to at least try and let
the other party know that things are over.
Bonnie
|
| 116.10 | When Friendship Ends!!! | EUCLID::LEVASSEUR | What Goes Around Comes Around | Mon Oct 27 1986 12:35 | 28 |
| This topic has always bothered me. I don't know how many times
that I have had very dear friends say they'de keep in touch, only
to never hear from them again. When I moved out of Boston in January
I had what I thought were a handfull of close friends. Now that
I'm up in New Hampshire, they never keep in touch (I make all the
calls) and always seem to be busy, which was not the case while
living in Boston.
The only friendship that broke up that was very painful was
with a married couple that I've been very close with for 34 years.
We grew up toghether and have always been there for each other.
he was the best man at my wedding and I was their son's godfather.
When I moved to Boston they became quite remote and always had an
excuse not to visit. I visited them on new year's day after moving
and they were shocked that I dropped in, beforehand it was always
an open door. This Summer I learned that my all time closest
friend has taken it upon himself to tell the world I have AIDS.
I DO NOT IN ANY WAY HAVE AIDS! I have tried getting in touch
with them and the son screens all calls. Why did my ex-friend make
his hypothesis? Well when I dropped in new years day, I had just
finished unloading a moving truck as well as nursing an excedrin
hangover, basicly I looked like hell and he assumes that I have
this dreaded disease rather than just asking if I'm feeling ok.
I've come to a point where, deep friendships are not worth
nurturing, at least not for me. There is a lot of good material
in Al Tofflers' "Future Shock" which deals with friendships ending.
Ray
|
| 116.11 | Dealing with ....... | AIMHI::HEBERT | | Mon Oct 27 1986 13:05 | 44 |
| Re: .5
Steve, I'll try to answer your question.
By remain friends, I mean that you act civilized towards each other,
like say hi when you see each other (rather than run the other
direction). Things in that line. I hate to hurt anyone or see
anyone else hurt so I try not to force the issues if they choose
to blame me for the insecurities they felt. Its much better for
me to walk away and accept the failure rather than to try to prove
to them that it was just as much their fault as mine.
All I can say about stress is that if you don't learn to deal with
it, then you have a problem. I can't ease that stress, your friends
can't ease that stress. It's high time that you or whomever is
feeling such stress examine the space you live in. If it feels too
cramp, make room. YOU and only you can control this space.
Insecurity/jealousy are just as burdensome as stress. I can't change
the way you or the other "SO" feels. I learned the hard way (believe
me) that you can't change anyone. Just give them the space to grow
if that is what they need. If, for some reason, the "SO" feels
the need to lay a guilt trip on the other, that is not a friend.
I have special friends out there that each one has to be dealt with
differently. I'm not saying all friends act/live/think the same
that is why you have to communicate you thoughts with them. If
they foresee you as a burden, forget them. There are other people
out there who will appreciate you for the wonderful person you are,
can be. No one says "everyone" has to like you, like what you are,
etc.
Life a bowl of peaches, no I am not saying men and women should
be friends because stress is better than being bored! Far from
it! You CAN have friends without stress. What I meant by that
comment is that live can be exciting, boring, ruthless, painfull;
the list could go on an on! The key to your success lies in
"HOW YOU DEAL WITH IT!"
Carole
BTW, the above is just my feeling and hope that this is not taken
personally amongst anyone.
|
| 116.13 | My two cents... | MEDUSA::FIGUEROA | | Mon Oct 27 1986 17:24 | 17 |
| If a relationship is enjoyable but has to end because of some reason
not having to do with the quality of the relationship, a quick,
clean, and honest break is best. Why run the risk of turning a
good experience into an bad experience by delaying the inevitable
or by telling stories?
If the relationship that is ending is not enjoyable, why would you
want to stick around? Concern for the other person's feelings is
understandable, but you are not doing the other person any favors
by dragging it out. They have to get on with their lives just as
you do.
As far as the interaction of SO's and friends/previous SO's is
concerned, does an SO have the right to demand/expect that you will
give up previous associations for them? I take the attitude of,
"I was not her first relationship and I may not be her last, so
why expect her lifestyle to begin and end with this relationship".
|
| 116.15 | Ouch, that hurts, friend! | MMO01::RESENDE | Life and love are all a dream | Tue Oct 28 1986 02:58 | 51 |
| Gee, Bob you sure set off a busy topic!
RE: .* The pain of friendship
I have a plaque in my office which I find sums up this topic
for me succinctly ...
"Some people come into our lives and quickly
go ... some stay for awhile and leave footprints
on our hearts, and we are never, ever the same ..."
- Anonymous
Recognizing that with the joy of friendship, we have to accept
the risk, and the reality of the pain of losing or ending that
friendship is a large portion of the "how to deal with it" question.
While I'd prefer to go through life "painless", I'd rather suffer
this pain than go without the moments of joy which having that
friendship brings.
I don't think there's any "easy" way to end a friendship. In fact,
it just about kills me when a very close friendship ends, which is
fortunately not a common event for me, so I guess that I'll never
get used to it. It's a significant loss, in many ways like a divorce
or death in the family; in fact on reflection it is indeed very much
like those events.
As for ending "it" by leaving without a word, my (very strong) opinion
is that it is the cruelest, inhumane way to end it. The leaver (as
well as the leavee) has to live the rest of his or her life with a lot
of "loose ends" and unanswered questions. That's an unfair and
unnecessary burden to lay on someone. But who said life was fair,
right? It may be hard to be honest enough to sit down and have that
final talk, but you may regret not having it later.
Re: .9 on the apparent lack of long-term friendships ...
Bob, I share your feelings. They are there, but so very rare. And as
the "Eagle" has spoken a few replies back, perhaps we just can't handle
"too many" SOs simultaneously.
Re: .10 >I've come to a point where, deep friendships are not worth
>nurturing, at least not for me.
Ray, that makes me so sad! Maybe I'm a glutton for punishment, but I
can't imagine going through life without any, even with the
disappointment which often comes with them. Makes me feel most alive.
I hope you don't always feel that way. But that's my value system,
right ...?
Steve
|
| 116.16 | walking is ok, but... | HOMBRE::HOWER | | Tue Oct 28 1986 09:54 | 9 |
| I think I'd agree with the opinion that the best way to end a
"close" relationship is by leaving cleanly; however, both parties
should agree (or at least know) that the relationship is going
to end then - one party should not just "walk out" unexpectedly.
One of the saddest experiences is to come home expecting to find
someone who is still special to you, only to find the house empty....
HH
|
| 116.17 | Not only submarines go under water! | NFL::GIRARD | | Tue Oct 28 1986 14:11 | 9 |
| RE: .16
Even sadder, come home and find out that the person who you
thought was close to you, isn't.
And come home every day to that.
Not all relationships are physical splits. Some never end.
|
| 116.18 | Sadder still | CURIUM::JACKSON | | Sat Nov 01 1986 19:04 | 7 |
| Re: .17
Yes, that would sure be sad. What would be even sadder is continuing
to accept and live with that situation, not realizing that you have
the power to change it.
--
Seth
|