Conference quark::human_relations-v1

    I too grew up as a child of a single parent, my mother.  While I
    visited my father a couple of times a year, he was a non-influence
    in my life.
    
    I have expressed the opinion to others that it was both a blessing
    and a curse.  A blessing in that I learned responsibility early,
    especially caring for my younger brothers while my mother worked,
    and also that I learned sensitivity - something I might not have
    gotten from a traditional father.
    
    The curse was that I had no opportunity to be a kid - to experience
    the joys of childhood.  I was always being the virtual father in
    the house.  Because of this, I didn't get on well with kids at
    school (I couldn't stick around for activities anyway), and grew
    up isolated.  Yet in some ways I consider this a blessing too because
    I didn't adopt the typical male attitudes that were shared by my
    peers.
    
    I too built big walls around me.  It wasn't until very recently
    that I started knocking holes in the walls and relating to others
    around me.  How bright it is outside!
    
    					Steve

    God Phil,
    
    I hope not!  I am a single parent with 2 boys (1 1/2 and 3 years
    old)  But I have to tell you - I worry about them every day!
    
    So, can I also ask for some advice in this file as to how to prevent
    that wall from getting too thick?  
    
    I try my hardest but "you never know"!
    
    Back to you - I also was a fatherless child and yes the wall was
    built.  But I think it was different because I had a lot of family
    members of the male sex and they had a large impact on my growing
    up.  
    
    Don't we all build walls - 2 parents or 1?
    
    This is scary!
    
    
    

    I had a perfectly normal family life.  A mom and dad
    both extremely loving parents.  They were both there
    whenever I needed them.  It was a large family with 
    6 kids in all.  Yet a wall was still built within me.
    It was not just within me but within all my family.
    The wall is a protection unit.  It has nothing to do
    with the number of parents.  The wall will still be 
    there.  The question is how do you teach kids to deal
    with the wall and get through it.  My parents help me
    with that.  They showed my through the love I felt
    from them and the rest of my family.  The wall will always
    be there.  There is nothing wrong with that.  There are 
    things about me I just  do not want others to know. These
    will always stay behind the wall.  Growing up shows you how 
    tear down most of the wall.  I say show your kids how to 
    love and be loved.  Show them how to give and receive. 
    Show them how to be a friend and how to accept someone
    as a friend.  This will help them to deal with reducing
    and adjusting the wall to fit them.  People are different
    and so will be there wall.  

   Brian

    		First, let me say that I'm sorry for seeming to
    	    point the accusing finger at single parents.  It was
    	    not my intention.  Second, I just wanted to see if 
    	    any other SPC's out there felt that it might have 
    	    been different.  Sorry, just one of my wierd thoughts.
    
    					Phil
    

        This is a very tough question, in that there are a lot of single
        parents in our culture and in our conference, and even if they
        decided immediately that they wanted to change that, that just
        isn't something you change quickly, or all on your own. 
        
        My personal opinion is that a child in a traditional 2 parent
        family has an advantage in this and in many things. But it is
        merely one of many factors. A single parent can do a really
        excelent job of parenting, and a couple a really lousey one.
        It's like any tendancy or trend. Not all women are shorter than
        all men, but on the whole men are taller, and women shorter. On
        the whole, I think that there are more problems involved in 1
        parent families, but the number of parents isn't the most
        important factor.
        
        JimB. 

    
    I just wanted to add a little input.  My own experience is all I
    can share with you.  I became a single parent a few years ago, 
    with a 16 year old son and an 18 year old daughter.  My daughter
    took her father's leaving very hard as they had no indication he
    would ever leave.  She, unfortunately, now feels no trust toward
    men and is having difficulty really forming any relationship with
    any man because of this distrust - if father left (no warning or
    indication of any problem) who can she really trust not to leave?
    I hope she will be able to find someone that she can have that
    trust with as I feel that I can trust again and do not have this
    problem.
    My son, on the other hand, I feel has matured very well and in
    all honesty has probably become a better person and much more
    mature than he would have been in a 2 parent family.  He has a
    very nice girlfriend and does a lot to help me out at home.
    
    I feel sometimes that "fate" really takes so much control away
    from our lives and we have to do the best we can with whatever
    "fate" hand us.  I really enjoy life and am a basically happy
    person.
    Jeanne
    

    There is never a "good" way to say "goodbye" but I think it
    is important to be honest and to say goodbye and let it be
    known that it is forever - if that is the case.  It is much
    worse to know something is wrong and not be able to quite put
    your finger on it or really know what the other person is thinking.
    I believe in honesty and not prolonging the inevitable.  In the
    end that is the kindest way of all.  It may hurt a lot but you can
    also deal with it and get on with your life.
    
    Jeanne

    We seem to have slid off onto the subject of a parent leaving
    a child, due to divorce, which is certainly relevant to the
    base topic.  I just DO NOT UNDERSTAND how a parent (usually the
    father) can just walk out of their child's life when a divorce
    occurs.  (I'll use "father" in the rest of the note, but understand
    that I include mothers in similar situations too.)
    
    All too often, when presented with a divorce, the father will
    abandon his children to the mother.  Yes, that's the traditional
    thing to do, but that doesn't make it right!  No matter what the
    relations are like between the divorced parents, you don't divorce
    your kids!  Even if a father doesn't feel capable of full or
    shared physical custody, he should keep in as close touch with his
    children as he can.  The children should continue to have both
    parents around in their lives, even if they aren't always together.
    
    In my recent divorce, I insisted on shared custody for my son. 
    I have fully participated in being a parent to him before, and I'm
    not going to quit now.  He lives with me half of the time on a
    three-week cycle.  I recognize the problems inherent in this, but
    it's the best we could come up with.  It also would not work if
    the divorce was not "amicable".  But I could not possibly imagine
    losing my son completely, as my father lost me.
    
    So - why say goodbye at all, if you can possibly avoid it?  Admittedly
    my situation, with my son not yet 3, is a lot better than if he
    were several years older.  He has adapted to living in two homes,
    without too much strain that I can see.
    
    Yet, I also believe in being honest with children (and anyone else
    for that matter).  If you must say goodbye, say it, and directly.
    Yes, it hurts, but you'll hurt the child even more if you lie or
    delegate.
    
    					Steve

    Being a single parent, I have had to make rules to follow
    for myself and my daughter.  

        1) If daddy promises to do something, and forgets, doesn't
    show etc, I have my daughter call and ask him why.  If I try to
    rationalize, it comes out like a lie.  If I call, he wonders if
    I am mixing up her hurt feelings with how I think she feels.
    damed if ya do, damed if ya don't
    
    2) I don't talk "trash" about daddy, he was someone I loved
    and it's not fair to jepordize the reality of her need for
    his love.   

        3) My daughter and I talk!  Alot.  If her feelings get hurt
    she has a right to express that hurt.  So I encourage her
    to talk to me, or Grandma and Grandpa.  
    
    4) I make every effort for her to have a strong male figure
    in her life, in our case it's my dad.  He loves her unreservedly.
    
    It's hard to decide the right and wrong of a given situation.
    Ya gotta go with the flow.  If she is in need of special
    attention, I am there.  My daughter is only 8, we've been on
    our own since she was 6 months old.  When her dad wanted to 
    see her, there were no rules except: please don't smoke drugs
    in front of her.  She knows what it is and is offended by it.
    When he refused to respect her wishes and actually flamed at her, 
    she told me about it.  How do you explain that  to an 8 yr old?
    I encourage her to talk to my friends so that she has a broader
    horizon on which to base her feelings about men.  I do the 
    best I can, that's about as much as anyone can do.
    
    Vivian
    
    

    You have a real good attitude Vivian.
    
    I did not enjoy being single parent.  On one hand I did enjoy the
    freedom to raise them how I saw fit without him.  While married,
    I feared my kids were going to be badly influenced by him and his
    friends.  I felt I had absolutely no control in my life whatsoever.
     I divorced with alot of hatred towards him.  A divorce was the
    last thing I wanted.  I hated him for leaving me with that as my
    only way out.  At least, that's how I felt.  
    
    Single parenting is hard.  The kids have rely on themselves much
    more.  Bad or good I don't know.  My daughter has taken on a "little
    mommy" role, which I don't want her to, but it seems to have developed
    out of neccessity.  My son is so wonderful, very sweet and helpful.
     As a little boy, I think he expressed his hostility towards his
    dad being gone through hitting other children and other things.
     My daughter's true feelings may not come through until later.
    
    I'm a product of a single parent home off and on.  My dad and mom
    divorced, never saw him again until 17 years later.  He couldn't accept
    his kids without the mom or his wife, I guess.  It was easier that
    way for him.  I hate him for it.  I don't trust men, that much.
     It's hard to believe how much my kids' dad says he loves them,
    when I think that men will leave them behind if they lose their
    mother.         
    
    My ex and I are now together after 5 years divorced.  I'll tell
    you what, should we seperate, he gets them this time.  I love my
    kids to death, but working like a dog to make ends meet alone and
    going to college to get better job is tough.  I will not feel guilty
    for letting him have them for most of the time.  Can you hear my
    resentfulness.   Or maybe this time, if we both have learned anything,
    we'll make it work.