Conference bookie::movies

632.0. "Youngblood" by 65320::RIVERS (Even better than the real thing) Tue Sep 06 1994 12:13

    (it's always the movies you don't like that take up the most space to
    review.  Be forewarned. :)
    
    This movie was the second half of Keanu-Fest, even though his role was
    very, very minor.  It did have Patrick Swayze and Rob Lowe in it
    though, with Lowe getting top billing.  I figured that since Lowe was
    cute and there was hockey involved and you can't usually go wrong with 
    Swayze the worst that can happen is you get a so-so movie with some
    good sports scenes and some beefcake factor.  And we could play, "spot
    Keanu Reeves".  
    
    Well, I was wrong.  The worst that can happen is "Youngblood" 
    proves that you can not only go wrong with Patrick Swayze, but that you 
    can have a hockey movie were the hockey scenes are positive boring.  The 
    movie also proved that either my current tastes are a lot different than 
    they were in 1986 or that Rob Lowe has vastly improved with age (my
    current barometer of Lowe-cuteness: "Wayne's World").  And lastly, it 
    proved that Keanu shouldn't affect accents.  Honest. More on that later.
    
    Anyway, the film:  
    
    "Youngblood" is about one aspiring hockey player named, uh, somebody
    Youngblood.  (As a side note, when I realized I'd forgotten the
    character's name, I asked my coworker, who'd rented the movie, what
    "the Rob Lowe character's name was".  We pondered and hypothesized a
    few names ("Mike? Steve? Bob?") but alas, the character has proved as
    forgettable to her as to me.)  Mr. Youngblood works on some really ugly
    farm somewhere, probably in one of them thar hockey states, like
    Minnesota.  He has a Dad, an Uncle Skywalker clone who doesn't think
    Youngblood should be chasing these silly notions of becoming a pro
    hockey player and stick to being a farmer, and a somewhat cute brother,
    who subtely encourages Rob Lowe's hockey dreams with such statements
    like, "Don't worry, Dad.  He'll be back here in two weeks with his tail
    between his legs."  (Brother later he admits he was just joshing, and
    by then, we do now he wants his younger brother To Succeed Where He Has
    Failed, but that's several cliches down the road).
    
    Youngblood gets called up to Canada, land of the semi-pros or Junior
    Hockey.  This is apparantly his springboard to the big time, if Only He
    Can Prove Himself.   Now we get to meet the crusty coach (Ed Lauter)
    who has apparantly gone to the same sort of encouragement school that
    Youngblood's older brother went to.  He spends all this time berating
    the team, but apparantly (off screen, since we never seen them win),
    the teams is fairly hot stuff.  This is also where we meet Patrick
    Swayze as (somebody) Sutton, the resident hot shot, team captain and
    Rob Lowe's insta-rival for the top seat. 
    
    At the big try out, Lowe presents himself in a stunningly boring
    skating example as the next Wayne Gretzsky or something because he
    makes the team.  We also get to meet the real movie villian, Racqui,
    some Guy Who Has a Beard and therefore, is one of them thar really
    nasty hockey player sorts, eh?  (insert faux-Canadian accent).  Racqui
    is a regular  hockey brute, which is provied by several examples of him
    knocking people down or checking folks into the boards. Boo hiss.
    
    (Now, I've seen hockey players get checked in just regular game play,
    and let me tell you, bumping people rather lightly into the boards
    isn't what I'd consider a prime example of hockey ferocity, nor did I
    think seasoned skaters were so inept on their skates that a mediocre
    shove would sent them sprawling.)
    
    Racqui doesn't get to make the team because he's really mean, see, and
    that sort of thing just don't cut it with our coach.  Racqui swears
    revenge (or something. I guess he really wanted to be on THIS team) and
    stalks off, but not before having a Confrontation with our Fresh Faced
    Youngblood.  Youngblood proves that gravity works and falls down.  
    
    More general hockey merriment and cliche ensue. We have all the
    stereotypical locker room intitiation rights antics, we have boarding
    house antics were Younglbood gets to have "tea" with the lady running
    the house, we meet the spunky young girl who we know will be the love
    interest (and of course, the coach's daughter), and we get to see Rob
    Lowe's butt.  And of course, we get to have the New Guy on the Team
    bonding moment were they all go out and get drunk, which gives us our
    highlight of the movie, a (thankfully) brief line spouted by Keanu
    Reeves (as a goalie) about the Great and Terrible Racqui.  "That
    Racqui! He is a (censored but came out sounding like it rhymed with
    "bookin") An-Nee-Mal!"  
    
    Now, I know this isn't funny here in this note, but imagine it
    spoken, with a sudden "This is my line!" energy, with much waving of
    hands and spilling of drink, and in a really, really, really BAD French-
    Canadian accent.  Yep, that was Keanu's shining moment in the film.  
    There are times when you see things in movies that you feel embarrassed
    for the actor.  This was one of them.  Poor Keanu. To borrow a line
    from another of my friends, "This isn't a movie he puts on his resume,
    I'll bet."   
    
    Well, he was young and in need of work.  I'm sure.  :)
    
    I wouldn't want to spoil the rest of the movie for you all, but I will
    suggest that you simply imagine every cliche that can come out of a movie 
    like this and insert the appropriate actor (Rob, Pat, the guy who played 
    Racqui, Cynthia Gibb as the Coach's Spunky Daughter, the Coach, etc., etc.)
    When you're done, you will have basically played out the story of 
    Youngblood in your head and saved yourself $3.00 or so.  No gratitude
    is necessary, the good karma I get from this is enough. Oh, and I
    almost forgot.  Put in truly boring hockey sequences were one can shoot
    goals without ever having anybody else nearby, or from halfway across
    the rink and where fancy, blazing skating talent is shown by having the
    actors kinda skate around in a semi circle.  If hockey was played at
    the sleep-walking speed we saw in this movie, I'm not convinced we'd be
    through the first game in the playoffs yet.  Gee and I thought "The
    Mighty Ducks" was a bad hockey movie.  It positively glimmered next to
    this. 
    
    So, yep, in case you haven't guessed it, "Youngblood" is a bad movie. 
    Worse than a bad movie.  It's a dumb movie, full of absolutely nothing
    and even the presence of Rob Lowe's butt and Patrick Swayze (who, alas,
    does not how show anything but his chest) can't save it.  It's not
    MST3K-bad, but it's pretty close.  The kind of movie where, when you
    can play "name that Plot Twist" in the comfort of your own home. In
    that sense, it was kinda fun.  I think it was rated R.  There was a
    brief bout of bare breasts.  :)  And the f-word was spouted, more or
    less, a couple times.
    
    *.75 (.75 for Patrick Swayze factor. Rob wasn't cute in this, and Keanu
    wasn't around enough.  Besides, I was still giggling over his "speech".)   
    
    Cheers,
    
    kim