| T.R | Title | User | Personal
Name | Date | Lines |
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| 13.1 | More Dave Barry humor available | MRMFG1::D_BROUILLET | the_underscore_isn't_my_idea | Fri May 16 1986 14:36 | 26 |
| That was good. For anyone not familiar with the Dave Barry notes file,
there are several more articles related to homeowners, and DIY
projects.
Here's a list of a few of them. Press SELECT (or KP7) to add this
conference to your notebook, if you don't already have it...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dave Barry - Noted humorist
Created: 22-JAN-1986 15:39 231 topics Updated: 16-MAY-1986 10:35
-< >-
Topic Author Date Repl Title
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
1 VAXWRK::STILES 4-FEB-1983 2 How to Make a Board
12 VAXWRK::STILES 4-FEB-1983 1 Insulation Problems
16 VAXWRK::STILES 4-FEB-1983 0 Ask Dave: What is Electricity?
19 VAXWRK::STILES 4-FEB-1983 0 Kitchen Remodeling
27 HYDRA::EKBERG 1-JUN-1983 0 Natural Cooling
28 OBLIO::MCWILLIAMS 22-AUG-1983 0 Swimming Pools
30 OBLIO::MCWILLIAMS 22-AUG-1983 0 Natural Heating
32 OBLIO::MCWILLIAMS 27-OCT-1983 0 Plumbing
48 BISON::TEDONE 1-MAY-1984 0 Do it yourself project
128 LYRA::BACON 26-MAR-1985 0 Buying a home.
192 LYMPH::INGRAHAM 27-NOV-1985 0 Some thoughts on the Toilet
230 AMUSED::GRUBER 14-MAY-1986 3 Selling Your House
|
| 13.3 | Homeowner Humor... | BEING::PETROVIC | Just a willow in the wind... | Wed Aug 27 1986 11:31 | 26 |
| I just had to share this with you all...In another conference there's
been a raging discussion (or better yet...the love/hate relationship we
have with Sears, Roebuck and Co.) I've had no problems with them, but I
did run across something that I found quite amusing...
I purchased Sears' 'Better' aluminum screen/storm door thru the catalog.
Nice door...does everything I want it to do...opens, closes, keeps bugs
out, etc...
Well, I go to install it...I open the carton and can't immediately
find the instructions...I look around and see that it's between the
glass and screen inserts which are held in place by shipping clips...
I pry off the one closest to the instructions and sneak out the
booklet...as I do this, a sheet of paper about 6"X9" printed in red
falls onto the floor from between the pages of the booklet...it says...
C A U T I O N ! ! !
Read this before attempting to remove the shipping clips!
Oh well, such is life...at any rate, the door went in smoothly and I'm
very satisfied with it.
|
| 13.2 | More pointers | HPSMEG::LUKOWSKI | I need an 'AUX' for my stereo | Thu Jun 25 1987 16:53 | 2 |
| 73 TONTO::COLLINS 11-SEP-1984 0 A Perfectly Stupid Shed
120 MILRAT::FORSBERG 20-FEB-1985 0 Walls (and covering thereof)
|
| 13.10 | Dave Barry - 'The new, improved remodel' | PUNDIT::PAGLIARULO | | Thu Jul 09 1987 13:40 | 92 |
| <<< HYDRA::DISK$NOTES$LIBRARY:[NOTES$LIBRARY]DAVE_BARRY.NOTE;1 >>>
================================================================================
Note 318.0 The New, Improved Remodel No replies
CLT::MALER 85 lines 6-JUL-1987 09:27
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The new, improved remodel
by Dave Barry
[ lifted from "West Magazine", supplement to the San Jose Mercury News,
Sunday July 5, 1987, without even a hint at permission ]
All of our worldly goods have been stacked out on our patio for over a
month now. It looks like they'll be there for the rest of our lives. The
way this came about is, we hired an interior decorator. We wanted, just
once before we died, to have a house that looked as though it was occupied
by tasteful grown-ups, rather than ourselves. Currently the only real
quality furnishings we have in our home belong to our son and can be
converted into robots.
The interior decorator is a very nice man who informed us in a very nice
way that we would need an entirely new interior before he could even start
decorating it. So we're having "work" done on our house. When you have
"work" done on your house, the first thing that happens is, workmen come in
pickup trucks and put all your worldly goods out on your patio, and then
they go away. They tell you they will come back on "Thursday," but of
course they do not. Sometimes they never come back at all. There is
nothing you can do about this. You can read the United States
Constititution from top to bottom with a fine-toothed comb, or whatever
phrase I am searching for here, and you will find a lot of worthless
information in there about how to elect the vice president in a time of war,
but you will find nothing about getting workmen to come back to your house.
This is a good question for the scientific research community to try to
answer: Where do workmen go? Did you ever ask yourself that? Every day,
all over the country, all over the world, thousands of workmen pile
millions of worldly goods onto patios, then off they drive and *nobody ever
sees them again*. They do not go to other jobs. There are no "other
jobs." If there were, then somewhere, sometime, some homeowner would get
his house worked on, and it would be on the front page of *The New York
Times*, headlined: WORKMEN WORK ON HOME.
Huge crowds of worshipful homeowners would come a marvel at this home,
similar to the way the religious faithful sometimes flock to rural
communities when somebody has discovered a bale of peat moss shaped like
the Lord.
At least they didn't shut off our plumbing. This had to be an oversight.
"Always shut off the plumbing, even if you are merely supposed to install a
window screen!" is a rule constantly shrieked by the instructors at Workman
School. Any minute now our workmen will return, thoroughly ashamed of
themselves, to render our home uninhabitable. "Sorry!" they'll say, "We
forgot! See you Thursday!" And then, before we can grab them, they will
actually *dematerialize*, as they return through the Workman Space-Time
Warp to the Parallel Workman Universe.
Here is how bad things have gotten: Last weekend *I attempted to do some
home repairs myself*. I got in my car and drove to the Homeowner Hell
store. You probably have a Homeowner Hell in your community: It is a
store the size of Indonesia featuring billions of homeowner objects such as
"toggle bolts," every single one of which has been painstakingly packaged
in a plastic "blister pack" that you cannot open even with advanced laser
technology. The only way to open a blister pack is with a special razor
knife, which is sold only at Homeowner Hell, inside a blister pack.
It is a comical sight indeed, to see thousands of homeowners, on a Saturday
afternoon, peering through the plastic at tiny random pieces of metal,
totally uncomprehending, like fish examining a nuclear submarine. The
workmen watch this via a special cable TV hookup from the Parallel Workmen
Universe, and they laugh until they spill 7-Eleven coffee on their
T-Shirts. It is their favorite show.
The only good thing is, I might be able to make some money out of this. In
the past several weeks I have taken a number (56) of thoughtful solitary
walks through the vast emptiness that used to be our living room, and I
have come up with a concept for a successful new business franchise, which
would be called: The Painfully Honest Home Contracting Co. The essence of
this concept is that homeowners have long since given up expecting to get
anything actually done, and have reached the point where they will pay a
lot of money just to be told the truth. The Painfully Honest Home
Contracting Co. would run large Yellow Pages advertisements like this:
FAIR PRICES
SKILLED WORKMEN
"We Never Show Up"
What do you think? I think a lot of homeowners would gladly pay for this
kind of dependability. If you're interested in starting a franchise in
your area, send me some money in a box, and I'll send you the complete
Starter Package, which you should receive on Thursday.
|
| 13.12 | How I spent my summer vacation... :-) | CRAIG::YANKES | | Mon Nov 09 1987 13:23 | 112 |
|
...and spring vacation and fall vacation and evenings and weekends.
*** Contrary to popular economic belief, you should
never ever ever consider buying your First Home. ***
Oh sure, I can just hear the thousands of economists and other brands
of fortune-tellers saying "don't listen to this guy -- Buy that Home!!! Become
a millionaire in this rising real estate market overnight!" Now, mind you,
I am not against becoming a millionaire overnight. Even if it took me a
whole week, I'd still be all for the idea. What I'm cautioning you against
is not buying property, but buying your First Home. Skip the First Home
and go directly to buying the second home.
Buying a First Home sets the unwary home-buyer up to say things
like: "don't worry, honey, I'll repaint the house and put up the two-car
garage this weekend and still have time to mow the lawn." Anyone who has
had the misfortune of owning their First Home will tell you that doing all
of this in one weekend is impossible. The lawn will have to wait for the
next weekend.
What trap is this home-buyer falling into? Deep in the collective
recesses of the American public's mind is the notion that the average
pre-home-owner that thinks that screwdrivers come in only two sizes, 6 ounce
and 8 ounce, can *Make Your Dream-House Come True*. This drives people
to look for a "handyman's special" when buying their First Home. "Don't
worry, honey, a few weekends of work and this old $23,000 heap of rotten
timbers will be a mansion worth many millions." Real estate agents love
you. Contractors that specialize in repairing First Home owners repairs
love you. But do you love you? Probably not after the first project.
My first project is a patio. Now we're not talking a little 10
feet by 10 feet patio with open space all around it that is on ground that
is conveniently as flat as a pool table. We're talking 13 feet by 29 feet
adjacent to the house and sunk down four feet to be a basement walk-out.
That means, of course, little details like retaining walls and drains in
addition to the 40+ tons of dirt that we had to dig out. And I do mean dig
out. My first major mistake was thinking that I could move this by hand.
I did. It took all summer. I've instructed my wife to not let me start
any project that needs a shovel, wheelbarrow and more than 2 hours without
renting a bobcat. Ah yes, "2 hours" brings me to the first rule in the
First Home Owners book:
Rule number 1: Time estimation
Step 1: Estimate how long it should take to do your project.
Step 2: Double your number and increase your unit by one.
For example, if you estimate that your project should take 2 hours,
double the number (2) and increase the unit (hours) by one and you'll probably
spend 4 days doing this project. If you estimate 1 week, be prepared to
spend 2 months on it. (This method of estimation also works well for software
engineering.) I estimated that digging the patio would take 6 weeks. Needless
to say, it took longer. While we're on the subject of rules of estimating,
lets look at the dollar signs of doing projects:
Rule number 2: Cost estimation
Step 1: Estimate how much this project should cost you to do.
Step 2: Ignore your estimate.
Step 3: Get a contractor's estimate.
Step 4: Plan on spending at least 50-75% of the contractors estimate.
Why these additional two steps? Simple. If the project cost as
little to do as you first estimated, do you realize how much profit the
contractors would make? If they made this much money, they would work
for one month and spend the rest of the year in Aruba. Since you can get
a contractor to do your work in the middle of the worst winter, this can
only mean one of two things: either they are saving up to *buy* Aruba or
else their profit margin isn't as great as it would seem. What did I spend
on the patio so far? I haven't put in the permanent retaining wall yet and
I'm already up to around 40% of the contractors price. Add the wall and I'll
be up to around 60%. (My original guess was around 25%.)
So, the first things to realize is that the project is going to take
a lot longer than you thought and cost a lot more. Why, then, the exortation
to not buy your First Home? By the time most people buy their second home,
they understand these rules and choose their projects more carefully. They
have learned the value of the Third Rule:
Rule number 3: Know your limits
I now know that my personal limit for digging is only slightly higher
than opening a can of beer and pointing out the backyard to the operator of
the backhoe. And "slightly higher" means that I'll even go so far as to
describe where, and how deep, that I'd like for the hole to be dug.
When these three rules are added together, they give you great wisdom
for knowing what projects to tackle yourself. The price of this knowledge
is usually breaking one, or more, of these rules while doing a project for
your First Home. Sure, to own any houses means there was one that you owned
first, but knowing what parts of projects to do yourself can save you the
First Home problem and give you back a lot of free weekends!
Now, lets see. A deck would look nice above the patio and there
*is* room for an added two-car garage with upper master bedroom... Hmmm...
-craig
p.s. The concrete was poured the day before yesterday! It now, finally,
looks like a patio-in-making rather than a big hole in the ground. Two
weeks from now is the grand opening barbeque - rain, snow, sleet or hail.
I'm not going to spend all summer making the patio and not be able to use
it until Spring!!!
|
| 13.13 | Are you really Dave Barry? | MORGAN::JELENIEWSKI | | Mon Nov 09 1987 14:26 | 1 |
|
|
| 13.14 | :-) | CRAIG::YANKES | | Mon Nov 09 1987 14:42 | 4 |
|
No, but thanks for the compliment!
-craig
|
| 13.15 | | WELFAR::PGRANSEWICZ | Auhhhhh, I've been slimed! | Mon Nov 09 1987 16:13 | 3 |
| Gee, sounds a lot like my weekend, window replacement that was started
in July and will be finished, well... I'd tell you but that would
require another estimate.
|
| 13.16 | Relates to 'The Money Pit' | HPSMEG::LUKOWSKI | I lost my A$$ in the '87 CRASH! | Mon Nov 09 1987 16:56 | 0 |
| 13.17 | If it's roast lamb, set an extra place at table! | ARGUS::CURTIS | Dick 'Aristotle' Curtis | Mon Nov 09 1987 17:46 | 12 |
| .0:
> ... Two
> weeks from now is the grand opening barbeque - rain, snow, sleet or hail.
> I'm not going to spend all summer making the patio and not be able to use
> it until Spring!!!
I hope that it'll be turkey, and not goose. ;-)
Dick
|
| 13.18 | Project planning made easy. | HPSVAX::SHURSKY | Is it spring yet? | Tue Nov 10 1987 10:35 | 64 |
| There is an additional problem of First Home ownership that you
haven't mentioned. After buying the First Home and promising your
spouse that you would do some small projects (try saying "we could
put a pool over here" and see what happens) you have what is known as
an Overly Expectant Wife. Now, the OEW is NOT past due delivering
the first offspring. She has the idea that you are Superman (after
all, that is what you told her and she believes everything you tell
her, right?) and are actually going to do all those little projects
you promised. You have realized suddenly 1) you did promise those
things 2) you are not really Superman 3) it would take a dozen Supermen
to do all those projects 4) you are going to hear (repeatedly) every
weekend about doing one of these projects 5) you will need the
monetary equivalent of the gold in Fort Knox to do all those projects,
Now, you realize you have a *problem*. Necessity is the mother-in-law
of invention (you think Tom Edison would have invented all those
things if it wasn't for his mother-in-law? Tom, it is dark in here.
When the h*ll are you going to invent that damn light?).
Here is what you do.
1) Pick one project that is going to improve the look of the house
inside or outside.
2) Don't pick a very big one if possible. This is important
for ease of construction. (the "know your limits" rule)
3) Following the rules laid down in .0 estimate its cost. You
want one that is going to use up *all* the money available
for home improvements *this* season.
4) Start early in the season. Late spring is best. Personally,
I like May 1 as a start date.
5) Involve the spouse (I know this may be painful, but get the
pain over quickly) so you construct *exactly*what*she*wants*.
If you do not get it right, the pain will be akin to a very
long lingering death. This is called the design phase.
It is very important for a successful project.
6) Conspire with your (male) neighbors. Tell them that when you
are done they *must* come over and tell you *in_your_spouse's_
*hearing* what an *absolutely_marvelous_job_you_did_and_how_they*
wished_they_could_do_as_nice_a_job. Promise them you will do
the same for them in the future. This is very important.
A good project is *no_good* if it is not noticed.
7) Do the project. Do a good job. This should be easy. Since
you picked a job that is not too big or too difficult you
should be done by the end of May.
8) Milk it for all it is worth. "But dear, I just completed
the <projectname>." "But dear, we used all the money for
<project_name>, we have no more money to do more this season."
9) Grab a beer. Watch the grass grow. Watch the neighbor's
kid cut the grass.
Remember: A job well done is worth a FREE SUMMER vacation.
COROLLARY: Treat your spouse very nicely. Take her out to nice
restaurants. Buy her nice gifts for her birthday, Xmas,
etc. Buy nice things for the house. Remember, if you
accumulate enough money you are going to have to do
another project next summer!
|
| 13.19 | | CRAIG::YANKES | | Tue Nov 10 1987 11:36 | 6 |
|
re: .6
Supurb! How could I have missed such an obvious point?
-craig
|
| 13.20 | Oh this won't take long | CENSRD::SCANLAND | I'd rather be driving a ... | Tue Nov 10 1987 13:26 | 36 |
|
All so true; This was my second year in my first home which is in it's
33rd.
First project - Rebuild an outside stairway. Estimated time 2 weekends.
Time to complete - Four weekends but it looks nice.
Now I'm confident. Finishing off the enclosed front porch should be
easy. All that's lacking is paneling and trim. But wait, the 2by in the
corner looks kinda dark. I poke with the scewdriver, oh oh, a little
bit of rot. No problem, just have to replace a few 2X4s. I'll start
next weekend.
Next weekend (around the 1st of June): Wow, this is worse than I
thought. I'd better call my neighbor Gary-the-carpenter over to see what
he thinks. Gary says "no problem, just remove the siding on this part
and brace the roof up here, and start pulling out the bad till you get
to good wood." I start removing the aluminum siding damaging much in
the process. Spent the entire weekend doing this (the porch is 8' off
the ground, I don't like working on ladders, there's a bumble-bee hive
under the floor) - and it's looking worse and worse.
Over the next few weeks I have managed to turn the porch into a
neighborhood blight. Fully 60% of the underlying supports (joists and
sills) are rotten and insect damaged. The lally columns and 2X4 braces
represent an engineering marvel however, and the neighbors now come
from miles around to provide advice and encouragement. I have become
comfortable using a screaming skil-saw while balanced on an aluminum
extension ladder so high up that I almost have a clear view of the
Boston skyline - from Fitchburg.
Now it's mid-Novemeber. The porch is back together and shimmers with
it's new vinyl siding job. I plan on starting the paneling and trim
work next weekend.
Chuck
|
| 13.21 | To DO or NOT To DO it yourself? | LDP::BURKHART | | Tue Nov 10 1987 15:44 | 130 |
|
A few more miscellaneous ramblings on DIY and the art of home ownership.
The following is based on 2 homes of my own, 3 homes of my father's, 2 rental
properties of my father's and numerous help to friends and other unnamed
relatives.
Rule #1: DO-IT-YOURSELF projects are NOT done to SAVE MONEY.
You will spend more on food & drink because you get twice as hungry
doing all that physical labor and drink four times as much. When ever I do
a project my beer bill at least triples. And if you are doing a kitchen
remodel forget it! Any thing you saved in DIY is gone and then some because
it takes you twice as long as a 'PRO' and during that time you are eating
out.
Even if by doing it yourself you think you have saved money because
you have extra cash in the bank it will cost you more in the long run. You
will have to spend more on vacations because you are going stir crazy working
on this project and require twice as many vacations for twice as long.
The biggest unforeseen expense of all is something you can't put
a dollar value on; YOUR HEALTH and WELL BEING. I figure for every weekend
I've spent working on one of those '2 hour' projects I've taken 2 weekends
off the end of my life. So the total cost is 3 weekends, one weekend doing
the work + 2 weekends for stress and aggravation.
Rule #2: DO-IT-YOURSELF projects are NOT done to SAVE TIME.
For reasons mentioned in previous replies and the last argument
stated above.
The only possibility of saving time is if it takes the 'PRO'
3 times as long to schedule you as it does for the DIYer to do the project.
Rule #3: NEVER do any project ALONE.
No matter how simple a project you will always need help. This rule
is constantly broken by the DIYer. And is the reason that rule #2 is true.
I can't count the number of times I've needed a board held while
nailed or cut and had no help. You end up doing all kinds of Mickey Mouse
clamping and bracing just to hold it and it still comes out wrong.
As a teen-ager my father use to drag me around to help out on all
kinds of DIYer projects and I always hated him for it. Now that I'm a DIYer
I understand why. It's unbelievable the amount of time a GOFER saves you.
Even if the helper knows nothing it's great not to have to stop your
work climb down the ladder and run into the basement to get some nails.
And if your gofer is a teen-ager with a license its even better, because
you don't have to stop what your doing, clean-up, drive to the hardware
store, find what your looking for, drive back, get setup again, and then
decide it's to late to finish or that what you got won't work.
Rule #3a: NEVER work with RELATIVES or FELLOW DIYers
This is a sub set of rule 3 and may very well be a contradiction
but is meant more as a warning.
That old saying about to many cooks spoiling the broth is never
more true than when 2 or more DIYers get together. And a DIYer relative
is magnified 10 fold. My wife has refused to help on any more projects
unless I'm injured or otherwise incapacitated so I can't give orders.
My wife also has recordings she made of my father and I having
a 'DETAILED DISCUSSION' on construction techniques while building a deck.
Needless to say most of my neighbors learned how to build a deck that
day also.
The best advice to consider when ignoring this rule is to make
sure at least one of you know WHO'S THE PROJECT FOREMAN.
Rule #4: NEVER think up new projects
This one is self explanatory but to rephrase it:
Don't go looking for work it'll find you.
Rule #5: ALWAYS prepare for the worst
If you start to replace a leaky faucet washer plan on replacing
every pipe, valve and fixture between that washer and your water supply
(town supply or private well). This way by planning for the worst you'll
be pleasantly surprised when all you have to replace is all the plumbing
in the house.
Rule #6: THINK like a 'PRO'
This rule I've just begun to develop myself after living next door
to a builder for 2 years.
The 'pro's attitude is that if it doesn't show no one will notice
and time is money. Their priority is getting it done fast. The only thing
they will take any time or concern on is finish work where someone will
notice the quality of their work but in all case save time.
Now how does one apply this to DO-IT-YOURSELF?
Simply put ask yourself how the 'pros' would do this and then do something
between that way and the IDEAL (homeowners) way.
I equate IDEAL with homeowner because that's what the 'pros' think.
All builders think homeowners are too picky and too fussy and idealist
who will never be satisfied.
By following this rule you can save a lot of time and aggravation.
Try to do like the 'pros' SAVE TIME. By being a homeowner you'll still
be striving for perfection but less so. Because you're not a 'pro'
you won't be able to do it as fast; and in most cases where a certain skill
is need as well, But because your thinking like a 'pro' if it doesn't
come out perfect you won't mind as much. After all no one will notice.
And if they do notice tell them a 'PRO' did it, they'll belive that.
This brings me to my final comment (finally).
The reason anyone would do it themselves.
I personally find it self gratifying.
It's that sense of accomplishment, of having done something which takes
a moderate amount of skill and knowledge yourself. It's seeing that project
completed and being able to say I did that myself. Showing off to friends
& relatives, showing them how good a job you did compared to the 'PROs'
Forget what every one else says about saving money or it's easy why not
do it yourself. If you don't like to do it don't do it, hire someone.
My 5� worth... (increased cost estimate)
...Dave
|
| 13.22 | Oh, one more thing... | HPSVAX::SHURSKY | Is it spring yet? | Tue Nov 10 1987 16:37 | 8 |
| re: .9
Excellent lesson Dave. I noticed only one deficiency. It is a
corollary to "think like a pro". BUY/RENT/BORROW/STEAL *ALL* the
right tools. You would be surprised what a *big* difference this
makes!
Stan
|
| 13.23 | Rule #7 | LDP::BURKHART | | Tue Nov 10 1987 16:56 | 24 |
| RE .10
It's funny you should mention that, because after I had entered
my reply I remembered that one myself.
RULE #7: The right tool for the job.
Back when I bought my first house I owned only a hammer and
a permanently borrowed saw. In the 6 years sence I have massed a
reasonable collection. If you're into tools and gadgets owning
a home is the thing for you. I have a standing agreament with my
wife which she doen't completely understand but knows it gets me
to do the projects.
Any time I start a new project I buy a new tool to make that
project easyer.
And when she complains show her how fast a belt sander sands
and ask her if she wants to sand all the woodwork in the house by hand.
There is no substatute for power tools.
...Dave
|
| 13.24 | Another one for the list... | WELFAR::PGRANSEWICZ | Auhhhhh, I've been slimed! | Wed Nov 11 1987 11:16 | 18 |
| This note should be required reading before reading *ANY* other
note in this file! I think it's even more important than the rules.
I'll add one that's nailed me (along with *ALL* of the others
previously mentioned). It's "While-We're-At-It Syndrome". Forget
about asbestos fibers! This is even more deadly because its affects
are felt almost immediately. I believe it's transmitted by hammer
and shovel handles. Before starting *ANY* project, publicly
declare where you will draw the line. Many of the other previously
mentioned are the after affects of WWAIS (over estimate/time).
You *MUST* be able to tell when you've stepped over that single
project-multiple project line. This also leads to what I've identified
as the "Endless-Project".
I want to know why the government isn't spending more money on determining
the cause of WWAIS and finding a cure!
Phil
|
| 13.25 | My price for DYIing | HPSVAX::SHURSKY | Is it spring yet? | Wed Nov 11 1987 12:05 | 61 |
| re: 12
Phil, don't look to the government to help you on this one. The
government *defines* the term Endless Project. I know, I have
contributed a small piece to a large number of projects that to
this day are still *going*on*. On second thought, they would do
a study that would turn into, you guessed it, another Endless
Project.
Here is a little subject that we haven't adequately discussed.
I call it Primary Decision Making. How do we make that (unfortunate)
decision to start a DIY project. I have several reasons for doing
a DIYer:
1) I want to do it. Enjoyment, pride, etc. come in to play
here.
2) I (think I) can't afford to pay someone else to do it.
3) It is an easy/quick job. This can be a real trap, careful.
4) I want it done the right (my) way.
5) I want it done now (soon).
I have learned that these reasons are not enough to get me to do
a job any longer. I *have* to be paid to do it. What is an acceptable
pay scale. I will do manual labor for a minimum of $20/hr for myself.
Double that for anyone else. So here is what I do:
1) I get several *free* estimates to do the job.
2) I get the Ortho book on how to do the job. (cheap at $6.95)
3) I go and price all the materials/tools I will need.
4) I estimate how many hours I expect to work on the job.
5) I take 1) subtract 3) and divide by 4). If the result is
greater than $25/hr I start the project. (obviously, I have
margin for error built in here)
Example:
This spring I used this technique to determine whether I wanted
to put in a brick walk. (I actually *had* to do it myself
since I couldn't afford to pay someone. I like to humor myself.)
Estimates ranged from $2100 to about $3000. If I wanted them
to do it the right (my) way it would have cost more. They were
going to use PT 1x4 along the edge of the bricks. I wanted
the edge made of bricks sunk in 8" on their ends. More bricks,
more labor, more bucks! Well, I priced the materials/tools
and they came in at $750-800. I did my calculation using a
price of about $3000 (it would be more *my* way) and time some
where on the order of 75 hours and got a result of $29.
Well I spent about $900 on the materials and worked more like
90-100 hours on the project. I still beat my $20/hr figure and
have a beautiful walk to boot!
Stan
|
| 13.26 | | AUTHOR::WELLCOME | Steve Wellcome (Maynard) | Fri Nov 13 1987 08:38 | 11 |
| Somewhat in opposition to "knowing when to stop" is knowing how
far to go, and doing it right - the first time. When I began
this do-yourself-in stuff in a serious way (i.e. when I bought
my first house) I tended to try to do more patching of existing
work than I do now. For example, when I redid a room I'd spend
hours trying to keep one plaster wall intact, instead of just
gutting the room and being done with it.
Plumbing is an area where it's tempting, but often to foolish,
to reuse old parts. Go spend the $10 for all new parts, and
even counting the trip to the hardware store you'll finish the
job faster. The results will be better too.
|
| 13.27 | When will I start that next project? | HPSVAX::SHURSKY | It's better in the Bahamas. | Fri Nov 13 1987 13:29 | 11 |
| I have no trouble knowing when to stop. (lunch, dinner, rain, clouds,
a cold one, a hot one, etc.) I have more trouble defining when
to start. Some of my favorite starting times are: tomorrow, next
week, next month, next year, when I have the money, when I have
the time, when I have the help, when I have the tools, when I have
the materials, after the ballgame, when it's warmer, when it's cooler,
when it's sunnier, in the summer, in the winter, later, next weekend,
etc. With all these different times to chose from I just never
do seem to get started. Wonder why?
Stan
|
| 13.28 | A late entry | 30738::SAUNDERMI | | Thu Jan 07 1988 13:34 | 44 |
| A late entry to a thoroughly enjoyable and informative note.
Second homes can be worst than the first, which makes me think that
maybe I'll rent next time.
My first home was small on a small lot. Everything I did came out
fine, within budget and looking good (came from being the only teen
age son of a father who invented the never*ending*project that he
liked to manage, but if I wanted to use the car....).
My second home is about 2.5 times the size of the first with a lot
about 4 times the size. The same type projects, decks, gardens,
sprinklers, interior mods, etc.
My assumption was that I could use a linear scale for estimating
the job. Like the deck that I put in the first home was 10 x 16,
with lattice awning, took two weekends. The ceck I put in my second
home is about 3 times the size, with some multiple levels, but still
(I thought) pretty simple. 3 x size = 3 x cost/time/effort/etc
+ a little fudge. Not true, which leads to:
Mike's Axiom #176:
The cost/effort/time/frustration/satisfaction differential between
like projects differing only in size is not a linear function but
logorithmic; e.g.-a project twice as big does not cost twice as
much but closer to ten times as much (maybe not in dollars but in
everything else).
Which brings me to:
Mike's Axiom #177:
Assuming Mike's Axiom #176 to be true, before continuing projects
in second home, or purchasing third home, raise teen-age son.
Home-owner then becomes "NEVER*ENDING*PROJECT*MANAGER.
My son is just turning 14.
Mike S.
|
| 13.29 | Murphy's DIY Manual | GLIVET::RECKARD | I'll get you, Frank Gatulis! | Wed Jan 20 1988 13:38 | 72 |
| BOOB'S LAW:
You'll always find a tool in the last place you look
RAP'S INANIMATE REPRODUCTION LAW:
If you take something apart and put it back together again enough times,
you will eventually have two of them.
GOLUB'S 2nd LAW OF HOMEBUILDING:
A carelessly planned homebuilding project takes three times longer than
expected to complete; a carefully planned one takes only twice as long.
HORNER'S FIVE THUMB POSTULATE:
Experience varies directly with material ruined.
BRAUCH'S OBSERVATION:
If all you have is a hammer, then everything looks like a nail.
BROMBERGS LAW OF TOOL USE:
When the need arises, the tool or object closest to you becomes a hammer.
THE ROMAN RULE:
The one who say's that it can't be done, should not interrupt the one who is
doing it.
THE 90-90 RULE:
The first 90% of a project takes 10% of the time, and tha last 10% takes
90% of the time.
ENG'S PRINCIPLE:
The easier it is to do, the harder it is to change.
SCHMIDT'S LW;
If you fiddle with a thing long enough, it will break.
BUNGEY'S 1st LAW:
The nut won't go on until you utter the magic word.
BUNGEY'S 2nd LAW:
When your about to use the magic word, there will be children present.
LAW OF THE SEARCH:
The first place to look for a droped part is the last place you expect to find
it.
RINGWALD'S LAW OF WORKBENCH GEOMETRY:
A horrizontal surface will soon be piled up.
NAESER'S LAW:
You can make it foolproof, but you cannot make it dxxx foolproof.
WETHERN'S LAW OF SUSPENDED JUDGEMENT:
Assumption is the mother of all screw-ups.
FEMO'S LAW OF HOMEBUILDING:
If you drop something, it will never hit the ground.
PRISSY'S RULE:
If you don't know what you're doing, do it neatly.
TELECO'S 2nd LAW:
There are two kinds of tape, the one that won't stay on, and the one that
won't come off.
JAFFE'S PRECEPT:
There are some things that are impossible to do, but it is impossible to know
what they are.
BEACHES LAW:
No two identical parts are alike.
THE FIRST RULE OF INTELLIGENT TINKERING:
Save all parts.
|
| 13.30 | There's a reason why that's true... | PSTJTT::TABER | Transfixed in Reality's headlights | Wed Jan 20 1988 15:14 | 5 |
| > BOOB'S LAW:
> You'll always find a tool in the last place you look
Someone once pointed out that you'd be pretty silly if you kept on
looking for it after you found it....
|
| 13.31 | Not a law, but..... | CHEFS::WILSON | | Thu Jan 21 1988 11:42 | 8 |
| Not really a law...just an explanation of why some people appear
to hate you........
Never assume malice when an explanation of stupidity will suffice.
David (Reading UK)
|
| 13.32 | | AUTHOR::WELLCOME | Steve Wellcome (Maynard) | Thu Jan 21 1988 13:04 | 5 |
| re: .17
I've heard the 90-90 rule as,
"The first 90% of a project will take 90% of the time, and
the last 10% of the project will take the other 90% of the time."
|
| 13.33 | plagiarist! | 3D::BOYACK | nothin's easy | Thu Feb 18 1988 13:44 | 9 |
| re:17
>BRAUCH'S OBSERVATION:
>If all you have is a hammer, then everything looks like a nail.
tsk,tsk... the Word Police gonna' getcha!...this belongs to Mark Twain
(and probably some ancient Roman, Greek, or Sumerian before him).
Joe
|
| 13.9 | Some Homeowner Humor | SALEM::PAGLIARULO | | Tue Aug 09 1988 13:36 | 101 |
| <<< HYDRA::DISK$NOTES$LIBRARY:[NOTES$LIBRARY]DAVE_BARRY.NOTE;1 >>>
-< Dave Barry - Noted humorist >-
================================================================================
Note 448.0 Getting A Box Down From A Shelf No replies
SUBSYS::DOUCETTE "Jim Doucette" 94 lines 9-AUG-1988 08:38
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Here's A Fall Guy
by Dave Barry
[ Reprinted from the Boston Sunday Globe, Aug. 7, 1988 ]
Today's homeowner topic is:
How to get a box down from a shelf.
Experts agree that the correct way to get a box down from a shelf depends on
how busy you are. For example, the other day, when my wife, Beth, asked me to
get a box down from a shelf in our garage, I was very busy, so I quickly
rejected the old-fashioned time-wasting OSHA-approved method - sometimes called
the "Weenie Method" - which is: (1) you move the car out of the way; (2) you
use a stepladder to get the box down; and (3) you don't have to go to the
nearest emergency room. This method is fine for the "average Joe" whose time
is not valuable, but it is hardly adequate for busy individuals such as Lee
Iacocca and myself.
So, the procedure I followed was the one where you (1) climb up onto your car
roof; (2) get the box; and then, rather than waste valuable seconds climbing
safely back down, you (3) fall.
Even in midair, I continued to make shrewd decisions. Realizing I was about to
resume a book-publicity tour involving many public appearances, including TV
programs, I elected to land face-first on the other car, after which I bounced
calmly to the floor, where, still in total command of the situation, I elected
to bleed from the efficient new hole my teeth had efficiently punched through
my upper lip. Mission accomplished!
Lying there, I was tempted to bask in the satisfaction of "a job well done,"
but I had other items on my busy agenda, with No. 1 being: to pass out. I was
about to do this when my faithful dog Earnest, who always stays close by in
case an emergency might arise wherein she can render vital lifesaving
Lassie-style assistance, arrived on the scene, saw me, and without a second's
hesitation (Don't try to tell me that dogs aren't highly intelligent!) started
cheerfully licking up the blood. Thus assisted, I lurched to my feet and made
the following statement to Beth: "AH DEEDA DODDA," which is how we timesaving
homeowners announce that we need a doctor.
And so, wasting no time, Beth whisked me to the emergency room, where a
cheerful doctor named Charlie, a firm believer in the Hippocratic Oath
(Article I: "Make them whimper in a pool of sweat") announced that he was
going to "sew me up." I was hoping this would turn out to be merely a figure
of speech with no basis in reality, like "a frog in your throat" or "President
Reagan." But the next thing I knew, Dr. Charlie was cheerfully approaching
with a needle he must have purchased at the Medical Joke Shop, a needle the
size of an Olympic vaulting pole, where he proceeded to ...
NOTICE: In the interest of not making members of our reading audience cringe
violently and spit partially-chewed English muffin all over their clothing, we
are going to eliminate the part of this narrative where the doctor deliberately
sticks the enormous needle *directly into the author's upper lip*.
By now I was considering making a break from the emergency room and learning to
live with a blood-spewing lip wound via such minor lifestyle adjustments as
always wearing burgundy shirts. But, before I could move, Dr. Charlie was
advancing with *another* needle and, what is worse, some thread, which he
proceeded to ...
NOTICE: You may rest assured that we will not even begin to discuss what it
feels like when the doctor makes a stitch and then, to get it nice and snug,
pulls several feet of thread through your *upper* lip.
Finally, Dr. Charlie ran out of thread and quit, and I lurched to a mirror,
and I saw that I had been transformed into: The Hunchlip of Notre Dame. It
wasn't just the fetching jagged scar accessorized with the attractive designer
surgical thread. It was the *size* of this lip. It completely eliminated any
need I might have had for an automotive air bag. I am pretty sure that it
showed up on the satellite weather photograph.
The worst part is that people kept telling me it didn't look so bad. "It's
not so bad!" they'd say brightly, staring at it the way you'd look at an
exhibit of rare African Slime Leeches. Helpful strangers, standing hundreds
of feet away, would shout: "I hardly even notice your lip!"
Also, this kind of lip wound affects your driving, because you have to turn the
rear view mirror toward yourself so you can check every eight seconds to see if
your lip is still ugly.
Also, it hurts to drink beer.
Let alone kiss.
But the good news is that my lip is healing, and within a few years I expect to
be leading a completely normal life except for this new involuntary reflex I've
developed where I put my hand over my mouth when I talk. Also, I expect to
save a lot of time in the future, because I imagine Beth will never ever again
ask me to get a box down from a shelf.
Next week's homeowner topic: five chainsaw shortcuts.
|
| 13.4 | How not to pick up a date... | BINKLY::WINSTON | Jeff Winston (Hudson, MA) | Sat Jan 07 1989 11:35 | 12 |
| A few years ago - there was an off-beat sitcom on called "Its Your
Move". One of the running gags was that the star's current flame was
haunted by the ads of her past flame. Seems he owned a building
supply store (ala Grossman's). We never saw the ads, but often heard
the tag line:
"Remember, a woman is just a woman, but you can BUILD things with wood.
(Somehow, my better half didn't see the humor, though)
|
| 13.5 | I wish I thought of that Line! | ISWS::VHAMBURGER | Woodcarvers are sharp people! | Fri Apr 14 1989 10:40 | 20 |
|
This note seemed the most appropriate place to put in a joke I heard
the other day......
A man walks into a bar and sits down, orders a beer and immediately
notices a lovely young lady who is just walking into the bar. He can't keep
his eyes off her, she is absolutely georgeous. She walks right up to him
and as he is about to apologize for being so rude as to stare, she says;
"I noticed you looking at me and I want to tell you, I will do ANYTHING you
want me to do for you for $100 cash. The only stipulation is, you have to
tell me waht you want in only three words." The man thought a minute,
pulled out his wallet, carefully counted out 5 $20 bills, handed them to
her, and said.....
PAINT MY HOUSE!
|
| 13.11 | | SALEM::PAGLIARULO_G | | Wed May 16 1990 13:27 | 88 |
| <<< HYDRA::DISK$USERPACK02:[NOTES$LIBRARY]DAVE_BARRY.NOTE;1 >>>
-< Dave Barry - Noted humorist >-
================================================================================
Note 596.0 GUYS AND MECHANICAL INTUITION No replies
CIMNET::RENNIE 81 lines 15-APR-1990 12:03
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
MEN AND THE GREAT MECHANICAL BLUFF
by Dave Barry, Pulitzer Prize Winning Columnist
copied from The Boston Sunday Globe, April 15, 1990
Most guys believe that they're supposed to know how to fix
things. this is a responsibility that guys have historically
taken upon themselves to compensate for the fact that they never
clean the bathroom. A guy can walk into a bathroom containing a
colony of commode fungus so advanced that it is registered to
vote, but the guy would never dream of cleaning it because he has
to keep himself rested in case a Mechanical Emergency breaks out.
For example, let's say that one day his wife informs him that
the commode has started making a loud groaning noise, like it's
about to have a baby commode. This is when the guy swings into
action. He strides in, removes the tank cover, peers down into
the area that contains the mystery commode parts, and then,
drawing on tens of thousands of years of guy mechanical under-
standing, announces that *there is nothing wrong with the commode*.
At least that's how I handle these things. I never actually
fix anything. I blame this on tonsillitis. I had tonsillitis in
the ninth grade, and I missed some school. Apparently on one of
the days I missed, they herded the guys into the auditorium and
explained to them about things like carburetors, valves, splines,
gaskets, ratchets, grommets, "dado joints", etc. because some guys
actually seem to understand this stuff. One time in college my room-
mate, Rob, went into his room all alone with a Volvo transmission,
opened his toolbox, disassembled the transmission to the point
where he appeared to be working on individual transmission mole-
cules, then put it all back together, and it *worked*. I would still
be fumbling with the latch on the toolbox.
So I'm intimidated by mechanical guys. When we got our boat
trailer, the salesman told me, one guy to another, that I should
"repack" the "bearings" every so many miles. He said this as
though all guys come out of the womb with this instinctive ability
to repack a bearing. So I nodded my head knowingly, as if to
suggest that, sure, I generally repack a couple dozen bearings
every morning before breakfast just to keep my testosterone level
from raging completely out of control. The truth is that I've
never been 100 percent sure what a bearing is. But I wasn't about
to admit this for fear that the salesman would laugh at em and
give me a noogie.
The main technique I use for disguising my mechanical tonsilli-
tis is to deny that there's ever anything wrong with anything.
We'll be driving somewhere, and my wife, Beth, who does not feel
that mechanical problems represent a threat to her manhood, will
say, "Do you hear that grinding sound in the engine?" I'll cock
my head for a second and make a sincere-looking frowny face, then
say, "No, I don't hear any grinding sound." I'll say this even if
I have to shout so Beth can hear me over the grinding sound; even
if a hole has appeared in the hood and a large important-looking
engine part is sticking out and waving a sign that says HELP.
"That's a grommet bearing," I'll say. "It's supposed to do
that."
Or, at home, Beth will say, "I think there's something wrong
with the hall light switch." So I'll strive manfully into the
hall, where volleyball-sized sparks are caroming off the bodies of
recently electrocuted houseguests, and I'll say, "It seems to be
working fine now!"
Actually, I think this goes beyond mechanics. I think guys
have a natural tendency to act as though they're in control of the
situation even when they're not. I bet that seconds before the
Titanic slipped beneath the waves, there was a guy still in his
cabin, patiently explaining to his wife that it was *perfectly
normal* for all the furniture to be sliding up the walls. And I
bet there was a guy on the Hindenburg telling *his* wife that, oh,
sure, you're going to get a certain amount of flames in a dirigi-
ble. Our federal leadership is basically a group of guys telling
us, hey, *no problem* with this budget deficit thing, because
what's happening is the fixed-based long-term sliding-scale diff-
erential appropriation forecast has this projected revenue growth
equalization sprocket, see, which is connected via this Gramm-Rud-
man grommet oscillation module to.....
|
| 13.6 | gotta luv it | SNAX::HURWITZ | | Fri May 01 1992 19:41 | 17 |
| This must be the right note...
Well got it in todays mail! That shining 2"x3.5" glisining marvel.
That sunset-setting with that skillsaw blasting its way through a 2X8.
Sawdust gracefully flying like Norm could never think of producing....
The epidome of masculinity!! ..........
My very own....
CRAFTSMAN Club Membership Card !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(Insert **LOUDEST** and **BEST** Tim Allen pig GRUNT here!!!!!!!)
AAAARRRGGGGHHHHHHH OOOOOOHHHHHH OOOOOOHHHHHHHHHH !!!!!!!
|
| 13.7 | Epitome of masculinty? | MCIS5::CORMIER | | Fri May 08 1992 12:44 | 3 |
| Gee, I got one, too. But I considered it the epitome of buying too
many things at Sears : )
Sarah
|
| 13.8 | Tool Time! | SCHOOL::RIEU | Read his lips...Know new taxes | Mon May 11 1992 10:38 | 2 |
| Yeah, me too. I must be spending way too much money there!
Denny
|
| 13.34 | | MOLAR::DELBALSO | I (spade) my (dogface) | Fri Jul 14 1995 00:23 | 4 |
| re: <<< Note 5624.1 by STRATA::CASSIDY "Tim Cassidy, #365" >>>
I'm sorry to interrupt, but what's the significance of "#365" in your pn?
|
| 13.35 | Shhhh | STRATA::CASSIDY | Tim Cassidy, #365 | Fri Jul 14 1995 03:06 | 10 |
| >I'm sorry to interrupt, but what's the significance of "#365" in your pn?
It's a secret.
Just kidding! It's a pager number for the in house paging system.
Tim
|
| 13.36 | | UPSAR::WALLACE | Vince Wallace | Fri Jul 14 1995 12:59 | 10 |
| Re .2 - Sorry to continue this diversion, but what since we're on
the topic of personal names - what the heck does
"I (spade) my (dogface)"
mean? Seems I've been seeing it for years and I still haven't
figured it out.
Vince
|
| 13.37 | | SHRMSG::BUSKY | | Fri Jul 14 1995 13:21 | 11 |
| > "I (spade) my (dogface)"
I think that he's promoting birth control for dogs and when you
think about it that way, wouldn't that render his personal name
inapproprite in most conferences! ;-)
It's actually a take off of the bumper stickers you see with the
word "I", a picture of a heart, the word "my" and then a picture
of a dog, collie, cocker spaniel, mutt, whatever.
|
| 13.38 | | WRKSYS::RAMANUJAN | | Fri Jul 14 1995 14:03 | 5 |
|
Another curious pn sayas "always mount a scratch monkey".. Anyone
knows what this is supposed to mean?
|
| 13.39 | | REFINE::MCDONALD | shh! | Fri Jul 14 1995 14:53 | 7 |
|
It's an old piece of Digital history. My facts may be a bit skewed
these days but as I recall it concerned a DEC field service guy who
rebooted a lab system that was wired into a lab monkey's brain...
basically killing the monkey and the research. Hence the saying "Always
mount a scratch monkey".
|
| 13.40 | Bzzzzzztttt !!! | FOUNDR::DODIER | Single Income, Clan'o Kids | Fri Jul 14 1995 14:54 | 13 |
| Well, since we're already well into this rathole ;-) -
The way I heard it, some university (Princeton I think) was doing
computer controlled experiments where they hooked up electrodes to a
live monkeys head (brain ?). A preventative maintenance was scheduled
and the field service person started running diagnostics on the system
without knowing that the monkey was still connected to it in another
room. You can probably guess the rest.
Didn't they also write a song about this called "Shock the monkey" ?
It was put out by a group called Italian tiles I think ;-)
Ray
|
| 13.41 | See MILORD::WAR_STORY 47.* for the scratch monkey story. | SSDEVO::JACKSON | Jim Jackson | Fri Jul 14 1995 15:36 | 0
|